What Death has Taught Me About Life

Why we just don't like Mitt.

2012-02-09T08:36:00.000-08:00

I know. I am a hospice nurse. I probably don't have the qualifications to be writing about politics on my blog. But I am a 'people' observer. And people vote. As do I. So, in that regard, I am never-the-less going to tell you my spin on why we don't like Mitt Romney.

First off, how do we decide if we like people anyway. First impressions, right? Sometimes we are wrong and judge people superficially, but many times our first gut reaction is accurate. We can usually tell instantly whether or not we click with someone. Sometimes, further down the road, we realize our mistake; but many times we are 100% on.

So, what do people think when they see Mitt. They see this well coiffed, expensively dressed, fit man with a beautiful wife by his side. They know he has been a Governor. They know he is really, really rich. They know he has a son named Tagg. (really, Tagg?) There are 4 other sons with normal names, but Tagg is the one we know. And they know he put his dog on the roof of his car for a family vacation in Canada.

Okay, let's see. What do we know about his political policies. Well, there's a problem there. We don't. When he was Governor, he was a moderate. Now he is trying to be a conservative. So what will he be next? Stay tuned.

And then there are the stupid gaffes. The one about a ten thousand dollar bet. The one where he says he doesn't care about the poor. The stupid pic of him putting Tide into a washer. Not good.

So, what is it we like about other guys who became president? Like George Bush for example. Well, he was a C student, we knew his mom, he wasn't that great looking and he talked kind of dumb. And we bought it. He was elected. He wasn't the best president, but hindsight is 20/20, plus people felt they could have a beer with him.

And therein lies the problem.

No one is going to have a beer with Mitt. No one would even want to. What would you talk about? Sports? Stanford? Prep schools? His six houses? Why, we don't even know if he plays a sport, an instrument or has a hobby. He just seems like a stiff guy who has no buddies to hang out with on a Saturday night.

Obama is cool. He sings. He is articulate. He is not perfect and perhaps many do not agree with his policies, but overall, he seems like a really nice guy.

And Mitt does not. So, what can Mitt do to turn the tide, to make us like him. Hmmm, not sure. But I think it could start by him just being himself. Admitting that, yes, he is rich. That he grew up rather privileged. That he did indeed put his beloved dog on the roof and that he is sorry for that. Maybe he should create a special fund for homeless dogs dedicated to Seamus. Maybe he should share some stories about when his life faltered. When he felt alone or sad or disappointed.

He should put his wife out there more, she is much more likable. Perhaps share stories about how Tagg was teased because of his peculiar name. You know he was. And perhaps Mitt should stay true to his beliefs and not let the polls determine how he feels and what he should say.

Then there is the 800 pound gorilla in the room. Mitt is a Mormon. We don't like to talk about it, but we all know it. Now, I have met many Mormons and they are all really nice. But in America, we really are most comfortable with three religions; Catholic, Protestant and Jewish. Any other religion or belief just seems odd to us and makes us uncomfortable. And that is just the truth. I am not saying it is right. It just is.

So, perhaps Mitt should just rip the lid on that as well. Talk about what it is like to belong to a minority religion, one that people seem to think is cult-like. Maybe talk about what it was like as a missionary when he was young and idealistic.

Perhaps he should also share the things that really make him happiest. People like to be around happy people. And Mitt just doesn't seem genuinely happy to me. Not at all.

There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.
~Buddha

Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it's dark.
~Zen Proverb

But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?
~Albert Camus

Think Pink? The great Komen debate.

2012-02-04T06:30:00.000-08:00

We see them all of the time, almost everywhere we go. They have become part of the normal landscape. They are emblazoned on hats, tee shirts, mugs, water bottles, even my golf bag has one. Every time we see one we are humbled; it reminds us of cancer and those fighting cancer. We wear them with pride to show our support against breast cancer. We walk. And we donate money. Lots of it.

But where is our money really going? As this week has pointed out, none of us really know. The Komen Foundation, started in the early 80's by the sister of a young cancer patient, has grown into one huge corporation. That sister that wanted to stop breast cancer now oversees a company that has made billions of dollars. And she treats herself to an annual salary of 500K per year, plus perks.

I won't go into details nor get into a discussion of whether the Komen Foundation made a bad decision to stop funding for Planned Parenthood to conduct breast exams for low-income women or not. The media has all that information and you can read the back and forth fighting about this on your own.

The good news about this is that it has people thinking. It has them thinking about where the money goes when they make contributions to organizations that claim to be fighting for a cure of a horrible disease.

True, this organization funds breast cancer research. But you have to apply for these grants and not everyone gets one. It becomes political. And then the Komen Foundation decided that it would brand the word cure and no other organization that raised money to help cancer patients could use that in their name. Small organizations that wanted to help people directly were sued by Komen. Power does that. It makes you big enough to crush the little guy. And they did.

I am not against pink ribbons. I think however that it has become a marketing brand instead of an altruistic nod to helping. And that is why so many of us in the medical field would never wear pink.

If you really want to help those women with breast cancer or help prevent it, make your donations to small organizations in your own community. The ones that offer support directly to the patient. Or help people in your own neighborhood by offering help directly. Most patients feel isolated and alone and would never ask for help. You can find a list of people who need help from your local parishes, schools, senior centers. But many know simply by word of mouth.

One of the best stories I heard was of a women diagnosed with late stage breast cancer who was an avid gardener. But she became quite ill during her treatment and was unable to maintain her garden. So word got out and one mom got a girl scout troop and a bunch of moms together and they went over and weeded her garden and planted annuals. They just did it on Saturday morning. The moms took turns watering the garden every week. Over time, people added even more plants. One donated a bench so that the patient could sit outside. This once isolated, lonely, sick patient now had a stream of people caring for the one thing she loved the most and that brought her joy. The garden bloomed and so did so many hearts.

It doesn't take billions of dollars to help cancer patients. It just takes a bit of time and effort. It is nice to write a check or walk for a cause, it does feel good to think you are helping. But doing is so much better.

I highly recommend it.

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.
~Anne Frank

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.
~William James

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.
~Dr. Seuss

If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one.
~Mother Teresa

OMG.... Shut Up Already: Part 2

2012-01-15T14:28:00.000-08:00

A few years back I was sitting in a hair salon waiting to have my hair blown dry. As I was sitting there waiting, I overheard two women having a very loud conversation about their moms. One was complaining bitterly how she had to call her mom every other day because otherwise her mom would hound her about why she had not called. The other woman rolled her eyes and said, "I know. Isn't it annoying that they continue to treat us like we were still kids. I am having lunch with my mother tomorrow and I am so dreading it. Next thing you know she will be asking me to go shopping with her as well."

They continued on and on but I did not hear them anymore. My thoughts had turned inward and I found myself in tears. You see, my mom had just passed away about a month prior to that conversation and I would have done anything to have her hound me or invite me to lunch. Those women just didn't know how lucky they were to have someone who loved them and wanted to be with them. And they also did not realize the impact their loud complaints could have on others.

People complain too much. They complain about things that are plain silly. I think that some of them would not have a single thing to say if it were not for constant complaining. And they complain loudly and for all to hear. They impose their morose sense of the world onto others who cannot avoid the onslaught.

The weather's too cold; it is too hot. I wish summer were here; I cannot stand these kids home anymore. I cannot wait for fall; God I hate raking leaves. I wish it would snow; Boy, I hate shoveling. Let's go to a movie; can you believe how much popcorn costs? I wish I could go to a party; My God it is so noisy here and I have a headache and the food stinks. I love going to weddings; did you see what she registered for? I cannot wait to get away to the beach; can you believe all the traffic and crowds? The sun is too bright....WHAT!

We go on and on and on. We take a pleasure and turn it into a joyless event by our or someone else's endless complaining. We all do it. And we all need to learn to simply just shut up.

And I am not saying that many do not have good reasons to complain. But come on. No one wants to hear your endless banter. My hospice patients have complained less. And they have real problems. Seriously.

What ever happened to being polite? Or to being gracious? Why must we always have to tell everyone our feelings every single moment we are feeling them? Is it the "me generation" that started all of this? You know, the generation that never knew a world where duty came before self? The ones that believe that the needs of the individual come first?

We seem to live in a time when high self-esteem is encouraged from childhood, when people have more freedom and independence than ever before, but are also far more depressed, anxious, cynical, and lonely. And who do they blame for this sad state of affairs? Well, they blame a lot of people, but not themselves. Goodness no. So they complain loudly and bitterly and for all of us to hear.

And I just don't want to hear it anymore.

So please. Just. Stop.

And where does all of this complaining take us anyway? Does it really make us feel better to unload it onto others? Does it help us to see things more clearly and to better ourselves? I think we all know the answer to that. It doesn't. And as a matter of fact, I think it makes us all the more miserable and isolated at best.

We have become a nation of complainers. We complain about the bad foods available, but still purchase and eat them. We complain about too much sex and violence on TV, but watch the shows anyway. We complain we are too lonely, but complain about the people we might be close to. We complain about our politicians, but vote them in anyway. We complain that we are too fat, too bored, too busy or too stressed, but we stop there, like somehow simply complaining about it will make it all either go away or be alright. And neither turns out to be the case.

We need to start doing more and complaining less. We need to learn once again the fine art of conversation that includes talking about things that are of relevance instead of simply airing our dirty laundry. We need to learn to steer a conversation away from the negative and onto the positive. And we need to set better examples of good behavior for our kids.

So next time you are talking with a group of friends, co-workers or family, pay attention to how much complaining goes on. And try to stop yourself from doing it. See if you can be the one to rise above the fray.

It will make everyone's day just a little bit brighter.

There are two ways of spreading light; to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.
~~Edith Wharton

When you consistently maintain a positive frame of mind, you’ll become known as a problem-solver rather than a complainer. People avoid complainers. They seek out problem-solvers.
~~ Joseph Sommerville

The people who live in a golden age usually go around complaining how yellow everything looks.
~~Randall Jarrell

In the past few years, I have come to believe that you truly manifest your own reality. Positive energy breeds positive energy and if we continue to recruit positive we can outnumber and overtake the negative. Everyday I continue to strive to grow and learn as a person and struggle to keep my ego in check. Along the way it's important to remember to deeply love and forgive yourself, stay humble and take responsibility for your own life and live it, love it... passionately and furiously."

~~ Aimee Moss

Welcome 2012

2012-01-07T10:58:00.000-08:00

New Beginnings
by Gertrude B. McClain

It's only the beginning now

...a pathway yet unknown

At times the sound of other steps

...sometimes we walk alone

The best beginnings of our lives

May sometimes end in sorrow

But even on our darkest days

The sun will shine tomorrow.

So we must do our very best

Whatever life may bring

And look beyond the winter chill

To smell the breath of spring.

Into each life will always come

A time to start anew

A new beginning for each heart

As fresh as morning dew.

Although the cares of life are great

And hands are bowed so low

The storms of life will leave behind

The wonder of a rainbow.

The years will never take away

Our chance to start anew

It's only the beginning now

So dreams can still come true.

Let your heart be light.

2011-12-21T05:06:00.000-08:00

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light.
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.

And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

Reflections

2011-12-13T08:30:00.000-08:00

Slowly
she celebrated the sacrament of letting go.
First she surrendered her green,
then the orange, yellow, and red
finally she let go of her brown.
Shedding her last leaf
she stood empty and silent, stripped bare.
Leaning against the winter sky
she began her vigil of trust.

Shedding her last leaf
she watched its journey to the ground.
She stood in silence
wearing the color of emptiness,
her branches wondering;
How do you give shade with so much gone?

And then,
the sacrament of waiting began.
The sunrise and sunset watched with tenderness.
Clothing her with silhouettes
they kept her hope alive.
They helped her understand that
her vulnerability,
her dependence and need,
her emptiness,
her readiness to receive
were giving her a new kind of beauty.

Every morning and every evening they stood in silence
and celebrated together
the sacrament of waiting.

~~ Macrina Wiederkehr

Where's the real stuff in life... to cling to?

2011-12-11T17:55:00.000-08:00

http://youtu.be/nBLmMZfUx5s

It's so important, to make someone happy.

Make just one someone happy;

Make just one heart the heart..... you sing to.

One smile that cheers you,

One face that lights when it nears you,

One girl you're ev'rything to.

Fame, if you win it,

Comes and goes in a minute.

Where's the real stuff in life to cling to?

Love is the answer,

Someone to love is the answer.

Once you've found her, build your world around her.

Make someone happy,

Make just one someone happy,

And you will be happy, too.

OMG...shut up already.

2011-12-01T17:31:00.000-08:00

The other day I was in the elevator at a major Boston hospital heading to the 16th floor. The elevator was full of people; visitors carrying balloons, nurses, doctors, a social worker, me and an EKG tech with her cart. We were all jammed in. On floor 3, the doors opened and two older ladies stepped into the already over-crowded elevator, oblivious to everyone around them. Once they pushed in, they continued to have a very loud and very lively conversation about a recently hospitalized friend.

This went on for several floors. They did not move nor quiet down at all when we stopped at different floors; people had to squeeze past them to get out. They just continued their animated and, what should have been a very private conversation, as though no one else existed.

Finally they departed the elevator once we reached the eighth floor. When the doors finally closed, we all just looked at each other and smiled. One brave women said to all of us, "Oh. My. God. Shut up already!" We all broke out into laughter and continued our now quiet ride lost in our own thoughts.

When I got off on the 16th floor, I hurried to the nurse's station to start a chart review for a patient referred to our hospice service. Once seated, I became aware of a conversation between two nurses. They were talking about their mothers. On and on they went, complaining about one thing and then another. I could hear them from where I sat, about 20 feet away. I am sure that many patients heard them as well. Part of me wanted to scream, "OMG, shut up already." But I sat silent and just did my work. Later, I went to talk with the patient and family about hospice; a very painful subject for them. The patient's room was near to where the nurses were having their spirited conversation. Once in the room, and even with the door shut, I could still hear them laughing and talking loudly. I am sure the patient and her family could hear them as well. It was not only unprofessional, it was down right rude.

This scene plays out thousands of times every single hour in every corner of the world. People having loud conversations about private matters for all to hear no matter the setting. They do it into their cellphones, face to face and into little cameras perched atop computers oblivious to anyone around them.

They do it in elevators, public restrooms, hallways, trains, buses, stores and restaurants. They feel entitled to have these conversations regardless of who can hear them or who they are interrupting or annoying. They become angry if you tell them to be quiet during public performances like the ballet, the theater or the movies.

I just don't get this new kind of brashness. When did it start? And is it me, or is it becoming worse?

I cannot stand it anymore. I mean, I cannot go anywhere it seems without people talking out loud about very private matters. Without people acting as though this is perfectly normal and that they are entitled to do what they want, where they want and when they want.

So when did this all become the new norm? With the proliferation of cellphone use? With the idea that we can be reached anywhere, anytime, anyplace? Or did it start decades ago when TV talk show hosts started talking about private matters to a national audience. Should I be blaming Phil Donahue? Or perhaps Oprah?

I am not sure. I can remember, and perhaps I am dating myself, but I recall people going into a private phone booth and shutting the doors so no one could hear their conversation when in public. I recall people whispering to one another. I recall being quiet at the library. I recall people not wanting everyone to hear everything they were saying. I recall being quiet during performances.

So when did all of that change. And why? Will it ever end? And, more importantly, is the worse yet to come.

I don't know. But what I do know is that I am jumping onto the "OMG... Just Shut Up" bandwagon. I won't say it out loud all of the time, of course I won't. I don't want to be rude. But I will be thinking it. And I will remind people that perhaps they should take their conversation elsewhere when I feel it is appropriate. Like those nurses. I should have said something.

I also want to scream it at the TV news anchors and the political pundits as well. We just don't want to hear every personal private issue of everyone on the planet.

Or do we?

Perhaps that is why reality TV is so popular. Who knows.

Anyway, I think it time we start to call people out on their bad behavior in public. Start asking people to just stop. Tell them they are invading our privacy by forcing us to hear private, intimate details of their lives that we just don't care to hear about. And stopping ourselves from doing the same.

We object to smokers and ask them to step outside. I think it is high time we start requiring the blabbers to do the same.

I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like "shut up, shut up, shut up...blah blah blah blah blaaaaah.~~~Ellen DeGeneres

Never miss a chance to shut up ~~~Will Rogers

It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it.~~~Maurice Switzer

Embrace the tradition, even if you don't feel thankful this year.

2011-11-22T18:28:00.000-08:00

Well, it is almost Thanksgiving. And I know a lot of people who have really nothing to feel thankful about this year. I think about them, and it makes me sad. Some have lost a loved one. Some have been diagnosed with cancer. Some have lost their job. One family has lost a child. I know that not one of them is looking forward to the holidays.

And I don't blame them. The holidays are tough enough without those awful things.

So what can they do? What can any of us do?

The only thing we can do. Get through the day as best we can. Some will bow out this year and just stay home for a quiet meal. Others will still attend family get togethers steeling themselves for the inevitable question, "So, how are you doing?' Most dread that question. It is funny, most people only ask that question to folks they know have had a rough year. If you have won a million dollars in the lottery, no one really wants to know about that. And many people, once you start to tell them your woes, chime in with their own, as though it is some sort of contest to see who is worse off. No wonder most clam up. I don't blame them.

So, what is the thing to do? Drop out for the year? Still participate but sit quietly and leave early? Get drunk?

I guess the best thing to do is what feels right. For you. Not for your mother or sister or friends. So what if they will be disappointed. They will surely get over it. But don't expect them to understand. They won't.

Everyone experiences their own reality. Some can just shrug things off and pretend that there is nothing wrong. They seem to be enjoying themselves. Others sit and act morose the whole time. And others will simply disengage. And it is all alright. Allow yourself to indulge in your own whims and tell others that this is how you best cope with the bad events of the year. Ask them to forgive your selfishness, but explain this is how you are protecting your heart. Perhaps they will best understand if you put it that way.

We all want happy holidays. We want them for ourselves, our loved ones, our kids. We have a picture in our minds of how they should look and feel. Of how everyone should act. But they rarely turn out that way and many times we find ourselves sadly disappointed. So, especially if you have had a bad year, allow yourself to expect less. Embrace the tradition, but let go of the expectations. Or create a new tradition. One that allows you to include a relative that is no longer here. Or one that celebrates new beginnings. Let go of the expectations of others and create something that has your own unique mark.

The holidays are fraught with so much emotion. So many memories. So much weight on our shoulders. So much work and preparation. Much of it can be joyful, but it doesn't come easy. And there is oftentimes a lot of sadness. Sadness for things that have passed and sadness for things that will never be again.

So, if you feel sad, embrace the sadness. Don't try to pretend it doesn't exist. And if people do ask the inevitable question, "How are you doing," love yourself enough to answer honestly. Don't get angry, it is a dumb question, especially if you have lost a loved one. But take a deep breath and say that "This has not been the best year and to celebrate a holiday without a loved one doesn't really need an explanation, now does it."

And let it go at that.

Grief can't be shared. Everyone carries it alone, his own burden, his own way. ~~~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness. ~~~Erich Fromm

I still miss those I loved who are no longer with me but I find I am grateful for having loved them. The gratitude has finally conquered the loss. ~~~Rita Mae Brown

Moving forward.

2011-10-29T06:22:00.000-07:00

"When there is no place to go, I guess we still have to move forward."

A patient with end stage ovarian cancer said that to me yesterday as I was organizing her discharge home onto our hospice service. She is young and pretty and kind and smart, and she is right. Moving forward is her only option. And ours, too.

Sometimes we don't want to move forward. We like things the way the are. The status quo. We want to stay put.

We may have a good thing going right now. A great job, neighborhood, family. And we love it. Life feels good and we want it to stay like that. But then something alters it. A death in the family. A friend who moves, kids who grow up and change. And even though we see the change and know that we need to keep moving along with the change, it is hard. And some of us dig our heels in deep and try to remain with things just as they were, ignoring the changes all around us.

Some would call that denial. And that may be true. But life keeps going forward even if we don't want it to, denial or not. And I think that is difficult for so many of us to embrace.

Facing death is certainly difficult. But we die a thousand tiny deaths all of the time. And we mourn them without realizing it.

Holidays without loved ones who shared those good times with us for decades. Kids who grow up and leave and don't want to do the things we always did when they were younger. Friends who get divorced or move out of town or simply vanish. Neighborhoods with for sale signs, new teachers at school, co-workers who retire.

All of these are life altering in their own way. We think that they are not that important, but they are. And what many of us do is to hold tight and pretend that things are the same without thinking about it much. We say, oh well, these things happen. We try to pretend all is well, even though we know deep down they are not.

And we don't really move forward. We stay stuck in the past, or try to hold onto a present that no longer exists. We try to make things the same. And they are not.

"We will try to keep things as normal as we can for the kids." This is what my patient's husband said to me when we talked about him bringing his wife home on hospice. And by that he meant that they would keep schedules the same, have them go for playdates and keep their routine as close to "normal" as it had been when mom was in charge.

But his wife, who was lying in the bed listening, did not agree.

"Life is changing for them, whether you want to believe it or not. I don't want them in their normal routine, there is nothing normal about what is happening. I want to be with them as much as I can. Do special things with them. They have to move forward and I want to point them in the right direction. We will move forward for as long as we can together, and then you will all move forward without me. It will be hard, but that is the best we can do."

As she said this, her stoic husband slowly sat down on the chair next to her bed, covered his face with his hands and wept. He said he didn't want to move forward. Couldn't face a life without her. He lamented how mind-blowing this all was and that he thought if they just kept things as "normal as possible" then they could just stay put.

I think we all want to think like that. But it simply cannot be done.

Life moves forward even when we don't want it to. Changes happen each and every day. We really have no control, although we think we do and hold on like hell. And short of staying in bed with the covers on over our heads, we have to eventually deal with them.

And that is the problem. We don't know how to do that. We don't always know how best to move forward, especially when we don't want to.

I pray for the best for this family. The one thing that they will have is a lot of support. The wife is wise and gets it. Most people refuse to think this way. And that takes it toll after all is said and done. So, these kids are lucky in that sense.

But most of us don't get it, or don't want to. Our lives feel off, but we are not sure why. And the reason may be that we are just not allowing ourselves and those around us to move forward. We may be grudingly holding on to a life that has simply moved beyond us, even though we are holding fast. And that in itself can make us sick or depressed or anxious.

So, what is the trick.? How do we move forward? How will this family move forward? Wish that I knew for sure. But if you asked my patient, she would tell you, just like she told me and her husband, that to move forward you simply have to just let go, just be. Accept the changes and as much as you hate them, find something that feels good and head there one step at a time.

Wise words and a good lesson for all. Death is a great teacher. If only we would listen while we all still have so much time.

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

If you're in a bad situation, don't worry it'll change. If you're in a good situation, don't worry it'll change. ~John A. Simone, Sr.

Our only security is our ability to change. ~John Lilly

How to (really) deal with stress.

2011-09-23T04:55:00.000-07:00

Stress. We all suffer from stress at one time or another. There are books and medications and web-sites and even Dr. Phil on tv and all of this is meant to help us cope better with the stress of our lives. And how has it really helped us? Well, we are more stressed than ever before.

We are stressed by just about every turn in life. Our jobs. Our kid's performance in school. Our financial portfolio. The mess in our house. The endless to do list.

We don't have enough money. We aren't thin enough. We feel bad about our co-workers or boss. A loved one is sick. We have been diagnosed with something awful. We lost our job. Our dog died. We cannot pay our bills.

The list goes on and on. And you cannot really rate stress. You cannot say that one stress is worse than another. It is all in the eyes of the beholder. And it all feels the same. Stress is, well, stress.

And we all feel it. No one is immune. Sometimes it is like a low electrical current that is just something we live with day to day. Or maybe we have calm days and then explosive days. Or sometimes we are under a cloud so thick we feel like we cannot breath. And we shut down. We wear our responsibilities like a noose around our necks. And it is hard to breath.

Stress is universal. I am not sure we could be living human beings without it. And many have pounced on this fact and there are books and CDs and professional counselors and gym memberships and massage therapy and anti-stress creams and what not all designed to eliminate the stress of our lives. Somewhere, someone is making a fortune from our stress. Mainly the pharmaceutical giants.

But we stay stressed anyway.

So, what is the answer? I wish I knew. I feel stressed at times as well. And I have tried all the things they say to do; walking, deep breathing, writing things down, yoga, putting things into perspective. I have really done it all. And you know what works best?

Xanax.

But in the morning, there it is. Stress. Rearing it's ugly head once again.

To be honest, I have learned a lot about coping with stress from the people I work with who have a lot of it. My patients. They make most of my stress go away. Many times my stress just disappears because I am just happy I am not them. I am happy that I have a healthy child. That I am still healthy. That my husband is still healthy. That I can still go and do ordinary things.

And therein lies the answer to stress.

Embracing the ordinary. Embracing yourself.

All these books and such that say to do this or that to control the stress of your lives is just, well, bullshit. You have to go into survival mode. You have to embrace what is truly important to you, what is your true essence. Then you have to build a wall to protect it, because everywhere you turn someone is trying to rip it away.

Becoming real is the best protection. Facades in your life that you are trying to hold up becomes exhausting. Why can't we be just who we are?

I think that is why people who are really sick and dying have little stress. They have fear, but not stress. Why? All that has been stripped away from them. They have discovered what was important all along. And some people, if they get better, live by this new rule. But others don't and they return to their regular lives and everyday stress.

I think it is because most people are afraid of change. They would rather live their stressed out lives than to face the fear of changing it. I understand that. But it is a shame. Because stress makes your life shorter. It makes you sick, literally. It makes those around you want to run. So there you are, stressed, sick and alone. Not a pretty picture at all.

So, what to do? Well, you could do like most people, just simply live with it. Muster on. Perhaps take a slew of drugs to control your high blood pressure, your depression, your anxiety, your stomach ailments and your headaches. You can lose yourself each night to crappy TV. You can sleep a lot. You can drink. Or you can be one of those crazed people who never sit still because sitting still makes you think and thinking makes you even more stressed.

Or you can do this; make a list of the things that describe the true essence of who you are. Not your family or your kids, just you. Who are you? What makes you tick? What makes your heart sing? Figure that out and write it down. Now write down your real life on a list next to it. All the external things that keep you apart from your true essence. Then make a choice. Decide how you can return to the real you. Or at least part of the real you. Even a little you is better than none.

And that is it. Start living for yourself. Stop trying to impress others. No one is really keeping score, and if they are, so what. Start being real and tell others what you really think. (Well, in a nice way.) Start by saying no to the things you don't want to do and occasionally say yes to the things you need to do.

Fix yourself up. Feel good about how you look on the outside. Self image is really important. It arms you. It protects you a bit.

And protect your body, the inside, while you are dealing with all the turmoil in your life. Take a vitamin pill daily. Drink water. Get some sleep. Stretch. Walk. Take deep breaths. I call them stress breaks. They don't eliminate stress, but they help you cope. And they are good for your heart. And if you mess up your heart you are in big trouble.

And go out into nature. Most people do not do this. Not really. Remember when you were a kid and you delighted in playing outside? Do you really think because we are adults we don't need that anymore?

So start liking yourself again. You are all you have. Take care of that and everything else may become a bit easier. And a bit easier really does make you smile. And smiling makes your heart sing. And isn't that the essence of life anyway?

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
~e.e. cummings, 1955

Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available.
~Jim Beggs

Everything great in the world is done by neurotics; they alone founded our religions and created our masterpieces.
~Marcel Proust

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
~Mark Twain

A nurse's nightmare.

2011-09-10T05:08:00.000-07:00

You see us at MD offices, on hospital floors, in your home. We can be chatty and kind, intense and focused, sometimes chided for being abrupt like a nurse Ratched. We are moms and sisters and aunts and grandmothers. We seem like nice people. Many are amazed that we can do what we do every day. And we always seem nonplussed by it all. Like we are going off for just another day of work and coming home and getting on with our daily chores and lives.

It looks that way, it does.

But you cannot always tell a book by its cover.

We don't talk much about our days, especially those of us who work with the critically ill and dying. And why would we? Who wants to hear about that? We don't even like to hear about that.

We bury it way down, or at least try to. But occasionally, it comes back up. We feel stressed and sad. Sometimes despair creeps in. Life seems unfair and we are powerless to help. It can all become too much to bear.

A nine year old that dies. A mother with two kids, 44 years old, sent home on hospice to die. A woman who needed emergency heart surgery dead of a simple complication. A man who was cut off on the highway while riding his motorcycle (with a helmet) dead of a head injury, extubated with his 15 year old son standing next to his bed. An ALS patient who cannot breath at 3pm on a beautiful Monday afternoon. A man who came in with a cough, leaving with a death sentence of small cell lung cancer after a routine CAT scan.

I could fill pages with the patients I have seen. And this abbreviated list was compiled in just my prior working week.

I am not complaining or looking for any sympathy. I don't need or deserve it. My patients and their families do however.

I am not an angel, special or a saint. I have been called all, as so many others in the medical field have been called. But we don't see it that way. We try to be helpful, compassionate and competent. We try to make people healthy and well; and when that fails we try to make them comfortable. It is all we can do. Many times, it falls short of the mark. Feels like it is never enough. And many times it isn't.

It would seem as though this is the stuff of nightmares; of what could keep me up at night fretting about the tragedy of life and our own unknown futures. But it isn't. This is not what my nightmares are made of.

So what is it? I will tell you. It is seeing healthy people blindly leading their lives who just don't get it. It is watching people continue to smoke knowing that it will shorten their lives eventually and reduce the quality of it dramatically. It is watching someone not paying enough attention to their kids or being cruel to them under the umbrella of  "discipline." It is hearing people talk about the petty nonsense of their lives looking for sympathy and being angry when it doesn't come their way, lamenting that "no one understands me." It is dealing with people who have never seen tragedy in their lives and who are selfish and never lend a hand to anyone else.

I know that sounds a bit angry, and perhaps it is. And perhaps I have been guilty of some of it myself. But the truth is, most of us don't really want to get it. We like protecting ourselves with our day to day lives and our trivial complaints, it is safe there. We hope we never have to deal with tragedy. We hope to be blessed with the mundane.

And that is why we nurses and doctors don't talk about our days. No one wants to hear about the bad we see. If they don't hear it, they don't have to acknowledge that it exists. They don't have to learn from it. They don't have to feel it.

I can certainly understand that. But it is a shame because death has so much to teach us about life.

We don't have to think about death or disease to know about life. We can go through each and every day without giving it a thought until it is presented to us. But what we miss by thinking that way and shielding ourselves is huge.

Honestly, the happiest people I know are those who stop trying to harden themselves to the truths of life.  The happiest people I know are those who have softened themselves and let life and love in, with all of it's scary, messy feelings.

Being strong enough to let down your guard and actually love someone without abandon, that is true freedom. And freedom is happiness.  But most people don't do this until they face a sure end, when they finally feel they have nothing left to lose. But what they failed to realize, as most of us do, is that they never had anything to lose to begin with. Not really. And by the time most come to this conclusion, it is too late. And they die with much regret, leaving regret in their wake for future generations, the ones they had sought to protect.

Not living life fully, that is my nightmare. It is not the patients I have seen and tried to help. They were my teachers. I am forever in their debt. I don't want their lessons to go unheard. That would be the true tragedy. The scariest nightmare of all.

Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life.
~~~Bertolt Brecht

Until you divest yourself of the notion that you are a collection of needs, an empty vessel that someone else must fill up, there will be no safe place to harbor yourself, no safe shore to reach. As long as you think mostly of getting, you will have nothing real to give.
~~~Merle Shain

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
~~~Steve Jobs

Our Push Button Society.

2011-09-03T05:18:00.000-07:00

The other day an interesting thing happened. We had a storm pass through from Hurricane Irene and the power went out. This is a common occurrence in our town when a storm passes through and we are usually inconvenienced by darkness for perhaps an hour or more.

But not this time. This was a major storm and we, like so many others, lost power for several days.

Nothing that we use on a day to day basis worked anymore. I could not simply push a button and use my lights, my microwave, my stove, my air conditioner, my ipod or my computer. I couldn't use my blow dryer. I didn't have hot water. I could not open the garage door by pushing the little bar on the remote in my car. Woe is me, right?

Well, as I was begrudgingly lifting the garage door manually to take my daughter to school, it suddenly felt familiar. We never had a garage door opener growing up, we always had to get out of the car to open it. And I never felt it was a big deal. It was just part of our lives then. But now it seemed like an inconvenience for me to have to do it because I had to actually get out of the car and walk over and manually perform a function I normally could just push a button to achieve.

And that is just it. We have become a push button society. We like to push a button and make things work. We don't ever want to have to get up to change a channel, open a garage door, go to the library and thumb through books to do any research or write things by hand. We never want to actually wash dishes or take a towel to dry them. We have drive through's and computers and instant heat. In the summer we have cool air blowing through our homes automatically. Our clothes get dried easily. We can heat up a meal in minutes. Why, we even have robotic vacuum cleaners.

We may think that all these conveniences are just dandy and make our life so much easier than our ancestors who had to cut wood or shovel coal for heat, who hung laundry out to dry, sometimes after washing it by hand; who washed and dried dishes after each meal and who cooked things slowly, sometimes all day long for just one glorious meal.

We may laugh at the way they hand shoveled snow all day, or raked a lawn or swept debris with a broom. We snicker at the thought of how they chopped wood or canned foods, made homemade bread or wrote long letters to loved ones. We don't have to do any of those things anymore. We don't even have to read a book made out of paper. We can download it instantly and read it on a screen. We can send email or text. We are a technologically advanced society.

But we are bored while we sit on the couch scrolling through the 200 channels we get on our large screen TV's all the while complaining that there is nothing to watch. If we want information, we google it instantly while sitting at our computers or smartphones no matter where we are and we complain that the information is taking too long to download.. If we want music, we put ear buds into our ears, push a button and settle in. No more manually placing records on a turnstile and having the sweet melody fill up a room.

And are we really happier for it? Does it really make our lives so much easier, so much better? Do we really have so much more time now?

I don't think so. And we certainly are not healthier for it. We are fatter and sicker than ever before.

We never used to have an obesity problem in the United States. We moved more. We walked. We rode bikes. TV was less of a distraction because we had fewer choices.

Now we sit more. We drive everywhere. We join gyms to exercise all the while having someone else clean our homes and do our yard work.

And don't even get me started on how isolated we have become looking at our little screens all day long.

So, while it really was an inconvenience to not have power for 4 days and a reminder to be thankful for all the things we do take for granted, like hot showers and lights, it also reminded me that all the conveniences we have come to rely upon are really not that essential to our well being. Perhaps just the opposite. And that doing things ourselves, by using our own brawn and our own effort, is a very healthy, satisfying experience that we need to think about returning to.

Toughen up and start liking yourself.

2011-08-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

Life is tough. I hear that all of the time. And sometimes it is. But most times it is not life that is so tough, it that we have become so weak.

And why is that? From what I observe, it is because most of us do not really like ourselves that much. We compare ourselves to others. We take to heart a meaningless, thoughtless comment made by someone in our past. We allow small things we did in the past to haunt us, years later, after everyone else has forgotten. We beat ourselves up on a daily basis. We are just never good enough. No wonder everything seems so hard. We have beaten ourselves down and many have little left to give after that.

And the answer cannot be found in a therapy session or a pill. We need to toughen up. We need to be tough enough to like ourselves regardless of what someone else has or says or does.

Liking ourselves is hard work. It really is. But I think that not loving ourselves enough is the basis for much of our sadness with life.

When is the last time you really gave yourself a break? When you said, I really like myself. When you forgave yourself for doing something foolish in the past. When you looked in the mirror and didn't only see the flaws, the weight gain, the wrinkles, the bad hair. When you smiled.

I can remember years ago when my daughter was about 3. I took her for a haircut at the salon I go to on Newbury Street in Boston. The stylist washed and cut her blonde hair and gave her a very stylish blow-dry. She looked beautiful. My daughter could not take her eyes off of herself. She preened in that mirror. Everyone complimented her. She beamed.

But she does not do that anymore, even at age 12. It is sad to see her criticize herself, to not preen over herself anymore, to have outgrown some of that wonder about herself. Perhaps that is part of growing up. But I think it stinks. And leads to too much misery, self doubt and self loathing.

And that, in my opinion, is a real problem. And we need to stop it. We do. Because it is simply just bullshit.

So start having a love affair with yourself. Muster up the strength somehow and just do it.

Today, just for one day, do not criticize yourself. Think of something you really like about yourself. Make a "me" space and put something there you like to see. Something that sings to you, and only to you.

Stop trying to impress others and just impress yourself. When you walk into a room, do not worry if they will like you, wonder insead if you will like them, if they are worthy of your time.

If someone says something negative to you, hug yourself. They are mean and they hurt your feelings and it is okay to sooth yourself or even to get mad----at them. Don't turn your anger onto yourself. Protect yourself with love for yourself.

Make the most of your looks. Quit beating yourself up over the weight you gained or the wrinkles you see. That is just the way our bodies age. They gain weight and they wrinkle. But that doesn't mean you aren't beautiful. That doesn't mean you should feel diminished. That doesn't mean you shouldn't love yourself.

Show your love for yourself in small ways. Take better care of yourself. Make small changes that add up, like walking more or having a glass of water instead of soda. Take a multivitamin every day. Buy yourself some flowers at the grocery store. Get a book about something that you enjoy at the library. And quit telling yourself that you don't have the time. Set a timer for 5 minutes and see what you can do in that time. You will be surprised. Let go of the all or nothing thinking. You owe yourself just even 5 minutes of something that makes your heart sing. The other stuff can wait.

The truth is this; You, just YOU, are really all you have and all you will ever have. Sure, you can surround yourself with family and friends and pets and co-workers and that is lovely; but in the end it is just you and yourself . So don't waste your life not loving yourself. Be a good companion to yourself. Keep yourself always in good company wherever you may go.

You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.
~~~Louise L. Hay

There is only one you for all time. Fearlessly be yourself.
~~~Anthony Rapp

Never explain--your friends do not need it, and your enemies will not believe you anyway.
~~~Elbert Hubbard

When the life you live isn't the life you want.

2011-08-07T15:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life really stinks. It is unfair, unjust, cruel and demanding. There are few smiles, warm feelings, nice people. There is too much suffering, too much illness, too much death. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer and the people in-between aren't moving anywhere fast. Sometimes you just want to run away.

The problem is, you can't.

You have a job, a house, some kids, a spouse, a dog. They all depend on you. And you depend on them. They have jobs, friends and schools they go to. Family may live nearby. It all seems like it should seem nice, but you feel stuck. This isn't what you want even though everyone tells you how lucky you are.

You see friends and family members get divorced, lose close friends, lose jobs, become ill and even die. You see their children in trouble. You hear their woes each time you talk with them and you are sympathetic, but there is nothing you can do to make it better. You suppose you should go home and count your blessings and appreciate things more.

But you don't. Because you can't.

I think we all get to this place at one time or another in our lives. Or perhaps we have been this way for so long we don't remember feeling any other way. We are just not happy. We are disappointed. We are mad. And we wonder, how did we get here in the first place?

We all have had big dreams at some point in our lives. Perhaps they started in grade school or in high school or college. We saw that there was so much more out there than we ever thought possible. And perhaps some of us went on to pursue our dream and made it big. But many who had big dreams had baggage that perhaps held them back. Naysayers. People saying, "You can never achieve that, don't even try." So they didn't. Or maybe they just held themselves back or started on their way to a life they thought they wanted but then out grew.

And now they find themselves feeling sad and stuck.

Many people try to find solace in a myriad of ways. Some may actually up and leave. Others may become so very empty that they have nothing to give and go through each day like a robot with little feeling. Still others try to find the answers in exercise, drugs, alcohol, shopping, travel or religion. But they all still find themselves back in the same place after all is said and done. And nothing seems better. Nothing at all.

I wish I had the answer. Of course I don't. I sometimes feel stuck myself. But I will tell you what gets me through each day and puts a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

It is death.

I know, that sounds so silly. But it is true. Death has opened my eyes to life. I have seen so much death, so much sadness, so much misery. Nothing really scares me anymore. So every day that I am breathing and not in physical pain is a good day to try something new. To get unstuck. To be happy.

We are all going to die. Each and every one of us. And everyone we know as well. You may say that that is depressing. But it isn't. It is life affirming. Death sits on our shoulder and speaks to us. But we hardly ever listen.

It says that the days are already counted. That you need to keep moving forward. It pushes you. But of course, you resist. Change is scary. Taking risks? Even worse. Easier just to do nothing. Just hold tight and wait.

But wait for what? Another miserable day? Saving up for that long thought of dream that probably never will come to fruition? Telling yourself that now is not the right time? So, when exactly is the right time. Death would tell you that the time is now.

I see so many people who thought they had time to change the direction and focus of their life. I also have seen some who were right smack in the middle of a great thing and said that they had no regrets. But those patients are few and far between. Most did have regrets and wondered why they never really lived the life they should have, could have; but now, most certainly won't.

So, next time you are feeling bad about your life, make a plan to escape. A real plan. Then figure out a way to make it happen. It doesn't have to involve moving or winning the lottery or a magic spell. Sometimes it just means pushing aside your fears and getting out of your own way. And starting small with changes that matter.

You may not get everything you have ever dreamed of, but perhaps you can take some of the sharp edges off of your life and start to reshape it into what you had one day dreamed it could be. So be brave and go. Push yourself. You really have nothing to lose.

Just ask my patients.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
~~~Mark Twain

The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.
~~~Paul Valery

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.
~~~Maria Robinson

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.
~~~Romana L. Anderson

Death whispers to me and says,"live." And so I do.
~~~J. Nelson

Be nice.

2011-08-01T05:25:00.000-07:00

Ever had one of those days? You know, the kind of day when no one seems to be in a good mood?

The clerk at the store was surly. Your kids grumbled at you in the morning. The guy driving behind you honked and gave you the finger. Your friends seem to be complaining all of the time and the news you hear on TV just seems to be exceedingly bad.

So what is the best remedy for all of this madness?

Just be nice.

I know it is hard. You don't want to be nice. People don't deserve it. It takes effort. People don't respond in kind.

But it is so worth it. Because nice matters. It really does.

Nice is rather boring, I know. All the new "celebrities" popping up on TV tell us that nice is for losers, because they are anything but. Many of the new TV shows that our kids are growing up on celebrate a culture of mean. The popular shows showcase the sarcastic, the wise-cracking and the foul mouthed. We do live in a rather mean culture. And our kids are growing up thinking this is the norm.

Sad, but true.

So, we have to step up. We need to be the model of nice, not just for our kids, but for everyone that we encounter.

Many of us isolate ourselves with a wall of anger or indifference. We think that we are somehow protected that way. But I think that just leads to loneliness. And sadness. And often even despair.

So instead, protect yourself by being nice. Smile at people. Hold the door. Act respectful when someone has a different point of view. Ask people how they are and actually listen when they respond. Hug your kids and tell them you love them when they growl and roll their eyes at you. Speak softly instead of yelling.

Being nice to people disarms them. Makes them pause. I know it never fails to impress me.

So, go ahead, try it. Take one 24 hour day and make nice. See how it makes other's feel. But more importantly, see how it makes you feel.

You may not be able to change the world, but you can change your world. And isn't that really all that matters anyway?

Don't be yourself - be someone a little nicer. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people. ~Abraham Joshua Heschel

Don't wait for people to be friendly, show them how. ~Author Unknown

A bit of fragrance always clings to the hand that gives roses. ~Chinese Proverb

Tuning out.

2011-07-18T07:36:00.000-07:00

Have you ever watched a dog running away and hear the owner calling wildly while the dog just seems to ignore him or her? The dog just seems to be tuning them out and running free without a care in the world..

Gosh I wish that I could sometimes do the same thing.

So much bad news lately. Over and over we hear about a 2 year old probably murdered by her now freed mom. We hear about a boy snatched and murdered in a cloistered community in New York City. We hear about how the politicians that are supposed to be helping us are doing anything but. And we hear about bad weather patterns, crop failures, unemployment and a constant stream of sad stories from the seemingly never-ending war on terror.

We know more about Casey Anthony's tattoo than we need to know. Why, we know more about her than most of the people who live nearby in our own neighborhood. It is maddening and crazy.

TMI. Too much information. Enough already. I want to be like the dog running free who just doesn't listen anymore. Don't you?

We have always had bad news. It just wasn't broadcast 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week, non-stop on 300 channels.

No wonder we are all stressed out. Hearing things over and over again like this makes it seem personal to us. That it needs to be our personal concern somehow. But it doesn't and it shouldn't.

Boundaries and limits. How many times have we heard that by setting certain boundaries and limits we can lead a less stressful life? But the news media knows no boundary and knows no limit. They fill us in on every single detail of things that they shouldn't even know and fill our heads with details that are none of our business. They talk about things that should never be spoken about in public. They speculate. They do things to sensationalize their story, even if that means lying, cheating or fabricating.

So, I think it is high time we set our own limits and boundaries and simply tune them out.

It is late July now, the dog days of summer. Time to relax, chill out, take in a sunset on a beach or a walk through the mountains. Time to sit outside after working all day to a calm breeze, some light chit-chat or perhaps some gardening. Walking the dog seems a pleasure now. A bike ride feels lovely. These are the things that we should be enjoying now. Tuning into ourselves, our family and the absolute wonder of a summer night.

I am not saying that we shouldn't be interested in the nation, the world or our fellow citizens. We should. But we can know what is going on without stepping into the mud. Because that just simply weighs us down and makes us feel awful.

So, tune out. Turn off the news. Go outside. Don't be tempted by the tabloids, the internet or magazine headlines that tell you what they say you need to know. You don't need to know it. You simply don't.

So, be like the dog running free. At least occasionally. By doing so you may find that you can finally tune into yourself. And that is all the news you need to know anyway.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two. Consequently every big story gets the same play and comes across to the viewer as a really big, scary one.

~Art Buchwald, 1969

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Summer is the time when one sheds one's tensions with one's clothes, and the right kind of day is jeweled balm for the battered spirit. A few of those days and you can become drunk with the belief that all's right with the world.
~Ada Louise Huxtable

The route to unhappiness.

2011-07-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

I think the main cause of unhappiness, for most of us, lies in one word.

Disappointment.

Disappointment is rampant. We are all disappointed at one time or another in ourselves, our spouses, our kids, our parents, friends, co-workers, bosses and even random people who we do not even know well.

We are disappointed in how our hair looks, our current weight, our clothes, our cars, our health, our wealth or lack thereof. The movie we could not wait to see was not as great as thought. It rained on our vacation and the kids fought the whole time. The recipe we could not wait to try didn't work. The new restaurant was awful. The list goes on and and occurs daily, if not more frequently. There are just so many things that you could probably point to that you are dissatisfied in that you would lose count. And therein lies the problem.

We think we are used to being disappointed. We even expect it most times. But yet it still has the power to overwhelm us, especially when our trust is violated by someone we relied upon to be honest. We just don't always recognize its power.

Some people think they are sad or depressed or even angry. But I think if you boiled it all down, most people are simply disappointed.

We may try to numb it away with drugs or alcohol. We may take some prescription medications hoping that it is simply a hormonal or chemical imbalance that keeps us on edge. Or we may exercise a lot, sleep more, eat more, go shopping or get lost watching TV or reading.

But the feelings still linger. And that is because disappointment cannot be readily fixed. It is just there. Hanging around. Lingering like a heavy cloud. And we can't seem to shake it.

Someone let you down. You let yourself down. Things did not turn out the way you planned. You got ripped off. The treatment they offered didn't help. Things just never seem to go your way.

And all of these things cause you to feel awful. And feeling awful just sucks. It really does.

So, what can we do? How can we still be happy in the face of so much disappointment? I guess we could expect less. Although, that does not seem the best way to live. Or we could try to simply accept it and move on. Easier to say than do.

I am not sure. I think we have to just accept the fact that we are disappointed and allow ourselves to feel the sadness, anger and frustration that goes along with that. Time does heal if we allow it to. Then we have to make a decision. Do we allow ourselves to continue to be disappointed? Do we lower our expectations and live with what is there? Or do we just walk away.

Sometimes it seems easier to live with the constant disappointment than to do the hard work necessary to reduce it. Looking for a new job or home or school is hard work. Even harder still is pulling apart a family or leaving a dear friend or confidante.

And even smaller goals of losing weight or getting healthier can seem unreachable at times as well. And so we turn the disappointment onto ourselves, pull out the chips and sit on the couch utterly defeated by what we cannot seem to do. And many lead lives of quiet desperation, never really understanding why.

I am not saying that there aren't people who are truly clinically depressed and are helped by medications. I know it is true. But for most of us, we need to really look and see just how much disappointment has played a major role in our lives and vow to figure out a way to reduce its impact.

I think the opposite of disappointment is hopefulness. We must never lose hope in ourselves, no matter what. We must never steal someone else's hope, either.

And hope may be the only life raft in a sea of bitter, unending disappointments.

True hope dwells on the possible, even when life seems to be a plot written by someone who wants to see how much adversity we can overcome.
True hope responds to the real world, to real life; it is an active effort.
~Walter Anderson

If you knew that hope and despair were paths to the same destination, which would you choose? ~Robert Brault

To the question of your life you are the answer, and to the problems of your life you are the solution. ~Joe Cordare

Everyday losses.

2011-06-16T17:37:00.000-07:00

I watched my daughter "graduate" from 6th grade today. It was a great day and everyone was certainly happy that another school year ended and that summer is here at last. But there were also some sad faces in the crowd. Some kids will not be returning to the school next year; some teachers, too. And though people may have given it only a moment's thought, it was a loss that they felt inside.

We all have experienced loss. I certainly see the biggest loss when I work. Death is a huge loss, we all know that. But we have rituals and support groups and the outpouring of sympathy and concern to help deal with it. And we can cry openly about it and everyone understands. It is expected that we will grieve. It would seem odd if we didn't.

But what about the everyday losses that we endure? How do we deal with those.

The truth is that we don't. Not really. They seem too insignificant to matter to anyone. So we bury them. But I think that they don't really ever just go away. And I think that they affect us more than we realize.

It would seem silly to mourn a cancelled tv show that we really enjoyed. Or the death of a celebrity we admired our whole lives. Or a co-worker leaving. Or a friend moving to another street or town.

How about that bracelet you misplaced that was given to you by a favorite aunt. Or that tree you loved that was felled by a recent storm. Maybe you are even sad about a book series that ended and will never be written again.

The list goes on and on and we experience them each and every day and probably think well, that is just the way it goes and we leave it at that.
Or at least we think we do.

But then we may be a bit off for a few days. Or feel sad and we just don't know why. And the reason could be because we have experienced a loss that affected us, even though it seems silly to admit it or even say it out loud. But each loss is important no matter how small it may seem. And sometimes a lot of little losses can add up and become overwhelming.

So think about your everyday losses and embrace them. Feel them. Allow yourself to mourn them. A loss is a loss is a loss is a loss. Big or small, it really doesn't matter if it makes you feel bad.

Sometimes when I consider what tremendous consequences come from little things, I am tempted to think there are no little things. ~~~Bruce Barton

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~~~Kahlil Gibran

Can We Reverse Aging By Changing How We Think? - Newsweek

2011-06-13T06:16:00.000-07:00

Can We Reverse Aging By Changing How We Think? - Newsweek

I was just thinking about this today. This is an interesting study. Makes one think....how much do I allow my age to define me, instead of just being who I want to be? Food for thought.

Lighten Up.

2011-06-10T18:43:00.000-07:00

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
~~~Michel de Montaigne

I think we take ourselves way too seriously. It drives me crazy. We worry and fuss over such little details that, in the end, really do not matter at all, not one stinking iota. It's crazy, isn't it?

But yet, we all do it. I guess the bigger question is, why?

Perhaps we think we will miss out on something. That there is a better choice out there to be made, that someone else may snag the prize, that we will be left with regret. But that rarely happens. Or maybe we worry too much about what others think. That they are judging us by our choices.

Think about something you took way too seriously, that stressed you out, but is only a faint memory now. Like perhaps, choosing a preschool for your 3 year old, or worrying about the wedding gown you chose, or what you weighed 10 years ago. Or the math test your 4th grader tanked. How about the colleague that you thought about at night. You know, the one that made you nuts. The one that is no longer even living in the same state.

I can attest that those were some of my own "heavier moments," and in the end, I should have lightened up because they meant nothing. My daughter played in preschool and had fun. She excels in school. My yellowing gown is hanging in a closet and I am still happily married. And I cannot even remember the work colleague's name. But they all seemed so important at the time. I took them way too seriously.

You would think that time and experience are good teachers, and that as we age we get wiser and stop all that nonsense. Not true. I work with the elderly and some of them are still stressing. Now it is all about their kids and grandkids and what Joan down the hall at the Assisted Living is doing on that committee. I tell you, it just never ends.

Unless we make a firm decision to stop it. To draw a line in the sand.

Many of my patients say they never really understood what was important until they got sick. Then they got it. But facing death should not be the reason to let go of the worry and the fuss. Life itself should be the reason. A lighter, fun life.

Joy. Happiness. Laughter. Remember those?

We cannot control everything and so I believe we focus on things we can control, usually minutia, but seemingly important to us. However, we really need to step back for a moment and stop all the crazy thinking. It doesn't help anyway and only stresses us all out. And many times, actually most times, things turn out fine regardless of all the fuss and worry. And too many times, all that fuss and worry created a new problem that wasn't even there to begin with.

Life is a journey with no map and no GPS. Many obstacles will be placed in our path as we move forward, no matter how much we try to prevent them. It is all beyond our control anyway. It really is. Best sometimes just to let go and enjoy the ride.

And what are we teaching our kids? Do we even let them have a light moment? Everything is so weighed down and so serious. What ever happened to a carefree childhood? No wonder depression and suicides are way up for kids and especially teens.

You know, Johnny is not going to have a slimmer shot at Harvard if you don't pick the perfect preschool. Your daughter will not flunk out if she misses a day of school so that you can play hooky together and have some much needed fun. Grades in 4th grade are not that important, not really. That work colleague is an ass, and will always be an ass, but there is nothing you can really do about it. So, let it go. Just let go.

We really do need to lighten up. Slack off a bit. Let a little bit more of life in. Not take everything so seriously.

It all ends anyway, this life we try to control. We hang on too tight. But if we loosen our grip, we might actually have some fun along the way.

Heavy thoughts bring on physical maladies; when the soul is oppressed so is the body. ~Martin Luther

Rule number one is, don't sweat the small stuff. Rule number two is, it's all small stuff. ~Robert Eliot

Wanna fly? You got to give up the shit that weights you down. ~Toni Morrison

I wonder what it would be like to live in a world where it was always June.-- L. M. Montgomery

Look at the trees, look at the birds, look at the clouds, look at the stars... and if you have eyes you will be able to see that the whole existence is joyful. Everything is simply happy. Trees are happy for no reason; they are not going to become prime ministers or presidents and they are not going to become rich and they will never have any bank balance. Look at the flowers - for no reason. It is simply unbelievable how happy flowers are. ~Osho

Abraham Maslow's 8 Ways to Self-Actualize

2011-05-31T06:56:00.000-07:00

1. Experience things fully, vividly, selflessly. Throw yourself into the experiencing of something: concentrate on it fully, let it totally absorb you.

2. Life is an ongoing process of choosing between safety (out of fear and need for defense) and risk (for the sake of progress and growth): Make the growth choice a dozen times a day.

3. Let the self emerge. Try to shut out the external clues as to what you should think, feel, say, and so on, and let your experience enable you to say what you truly feel.

4. When in doubt, be honest. If you look into yourself and are honest, you will also take responsibility. Taking responsibility is self-actualizing.

5. Listen to your own tastes. Be prepared to be unpopular.

6. Use your intelligence, work to do well the things you want to do, no matter how insignificant they seem to be.

7. Make peak experiencing more likely: get rid of illusions and false notions. Learn what you are good at and what your potentialities are not.

8. Find out who you are, what you are, what you like and don't like, what is good and what is bad for you, where you are going, what your mission is. Opening yourself up to yourself in this way means identifying defenses - and then finding the courage to give them up.

~~~ Abraham Maslow was an American psychologist.

Love yourself first.

2011-05-30T16:21:00.000-07:00

Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. ~Veronica A. Shoffstall

Do you remember the first thing that entered into your mind today when you first woke up? How about when you were showering or making coffee or driving to an activity or work. What were you thinking about. Do you even remember?

I will bet that you were either criticizing yourself or thinking about something that needed to be done for someone else.

We all do it. And we do it way too often.

What we hardly ever do when we wake up is to start our day by loving ourselves. We don't say "good morning" to ourselves and plan our day to please ourselves. That would seem way too narcissistic and self-centered, right? And who has time for that anyway.

And we may actually think we are doing things for ourselves. We may exercise, but, if we were honest, we would recognize that we are doing it because our inner critic thinks we are perhaps a bit too fat. And that is not really self love. Or we may dress a certain way or try to look a certain way, and it may seem as though we are trying to please ourselves, but most times we do that for others, not ourselves. And most times we feel as though we never measure up anyway, no matter what we do.

The list goes on and on.

And when we do finally get around to doing something just for ourselves, we feel bad. Selfish and guilty.

We need to stop all that. Yes, we really do.

I see so many people at the end of a life; their life. The only one they get. But most did not really live too many days of that life just for themselves. They did not always take the time to love themselves enough. And many really regret that. They really do.

I am not saying that you should become self centered and never care for anyone. I am saying that you need to love yourself first to be better equipped to love others more. And in doing so, it will bring more love and happiness into your own life.

It is not easy to do, to love ourselves. So we instead do other things. We numb ourselves. We eat too much. We spend too much. We watch too much dumb TV to escape ourselves. And we justify doing this because we think that we "deserve it." But we never really feel better, do we. It is really more like we are punishing ourselves, not rewarding ourselves. And certainly not loving ourselves.

So tomorrow when you wake up, start thinking first of yourself. Feel what you feel. Love yourself enough to feed yourself good food and take deep breaths and relax, even for just a few moments. Tell someone "no" when you really do not want to do something. (No is actually a complete sentence.) Do things that 'feel' good instead of always 'doing' good. Think of something that you just "don't have the time for," like walking, knitting, ice skating, reading, swimming or whatever you enjoy but have not done and find at least 30 minutes this week to do them. Find me time. Schedule me time. Be a good example to others what self love looks like. Teach your kids this. It will be the most important thing you teach them. Model by doing. Stop being a martyr. Start loving yourself.

You get one shot at this. One life that really only belongs to you. You do. I wish I could scream this from my rooftop, that is how important it is.

Days, weeks, years, decades go by and you look back and you wonder, where did I go. What happened to me? What was I so afraid of?

So, love yourself first. Have a love affair with yourself. Don't wait. You are worth it. You really are.

It's not your job to like me - it's mine~~~Byron Katie

To love yourself right now, just as you are, is to give yourself heaven. Don't wait until you die. If you wait, you die now. If you love, you live now.
~~~Alan Cohen

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.
~~~Buddha

Two words that can simplify your life.

2011-05-16T18:35:00.000-07:00

I recently learned two words that can simplify any life from a very wise, wonderful patient that I had the privilege to care for. She was in her late 70's and lived a very colorful, very happy life. She was well educated, well traveled, well read and well loved.

Her home in Cambridge was lovely, but also quietly simple. It felt calm just being there. The walls were quite bare, except for one wall that had, in large, scripted handwriting, two words: Consume less.

She told me that they embodied her philosophy of life. And how these two words could help anyone if they just followed its simple wisdom.

It rang true.

Think about it. These two words are powerful. And these two words could solve most of life's problems.

Want to save more money? Lose weight? Cut down on all the hard working hours you are forced to put in to make ends meet? Do you want to spend more time on meaningful things like family and friends? Want to help the earth? Want to teach your kids valuable lessons?

Well, consume less. That is the answer to all of the above questions.

But could it really be that simple?

Yes, it really could. But it doesn't mean that it is easy to do.

The trouble is, we are a nation of consumers. We like stuff. We like things super-sized. We waste a lot. We judge each other not by the compassion that we show or the love that we give, but by how much we have. How much we can consume. How much we spend. Bigger is better. The one with more toys wins.

And none of us are better off for it, not really.

We think we need so many things. We think we will be happier. But if you really stopped and took an inventory of what you already have, you would find that you have way more than you could ever possibly need or use. And if we were really seeking truth, we would come to realize we really don't even use half of what we already own. And I am not sure that just acquiring more is the key to greater happiness. I know that I have not seen it. Most times, it seems that it makes us all just a bit more anxious. And happiness eludes us still.

And don't even talk to me about all the extra calories we don't need to consume.

I know it sounds simplistic to think that just two words, consume less, could have such a powerful effect on our lives; however, I really think it is true.

But who am I to say.

So try it sometime. Experiment with it. Next time you are tempted to buy that 'whatever' you certainly don't need or to eat that 'whatever' you shouldn't really eat, say it to yourself. "Consume less." See if it works.

It might just be the best thing you never did.

You have succeeded in life when all you really want is only what you really need. ~Vernon Howard

Everything we possess that is not necessary for life or happiness becomes a burden, and scarcely a day passes that we do not add to it. ~Robert Brault

We don't need to increase our goods nearly as much as we need to scale down our wants. Not wanting something is as good as possessing it.
~Donald Horban

Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.
~Lin Yutang

Some random things I want to tell my daughter before I die.

2011-05-05T06:55:00.000-07:00

I am the Mother of one daughter, Catherine. She was born on March the 9th, 1999, after many years of infertility, miscarriages, and dashed hopes and dreams. It was clearly the best day of my life.

But I am a mother just like you. I have other things I do with my day. I am busy running errands. I am preoccupied with other things and I am certainly not perfect. I try to be a good mom, but I know that sometimes I fall short of the mark.

One of the ways that I fill my life, besides being a mom, is by being a hospice nurse. I did not actively seek out this job, it sort of found me. I have been a nurse, in one form or another, for 30 years now. I had never worked in the hospice field before. But it had touched my life. My own Mother had hospice in 1997 when she died. So did my young cousin, who died too young in 2001.

So I became a hospice nurse. Most of my patients are seniors. The ending of their lives has touched me for sure, although they seem to follow the normal course of the universe. I was saddened, but felt that I was helping them and their families cope and I could go home and continue my life without too much distress. Things were ok. Then one day, I received the name of a patient to see at a large teaching hospital in Boston. When I looked at the chart, I saw myself reflected back. A woman, age 44 at the time. A wife and the mother of a 4-year-old daughter. She had struggled for years with infertility and this child was a gift. She was diagnosed with cancer during her pregnancy, but refused treatment as not to harm her child. She fought hard against the disease. But in the end, it had won.

I went to see her with a feeling of dread. This is one of my worse fears, to leave my daughter. As I entered the room, I could sense her full presence. Her daughter was playing in the room, talking to her, like any normal child would. Her mother did not respond verbally, but I definitely sensed a charge in the room, a warmth. I cannot describe it, but it was there. When the patient’s sister came to take the child to lunch, all that energy left with her.

I sat there with the patient, she was comatose. I told her what a beautiful daughter she had and how proud she must be of her. It was hard for me to be there, I wanted to run away. I held back my tears until I got to my car, then I couldn’t stop crying. I cry now, years after her death, as I write this.

I had to see her many more times, as we see patients who are hospitalized every day. Each day was difficult for me, but I had to remember that I am the one having the good day. There is no reason for me to feel sorry for myself. All my energy needs to be directed to the patient and the family.

I brought the patient’s daughter some princess stickers at one visit. She proceeded to place them all over her “sleeping” mother. The mother looked ethereal lying there. She still had all her wonderful, beautiful red hair. The floor nurses had lovingly brushed it. She did not look as though she were ill. She did indeed look as though she were only sleeping.

The patient died a few days later. I read about it in the paper and heard it in report. A sad day, indeed.

Months, years have passed since then. But I still, to this day, think about her. She has, without knowing, made me a better wife, mother and nurse. I thank her.

I have now seen many young mothers who are dying and many who have died, leaving children behind, motherless and alone. It still saddens me, but it has not impacted me quite the way that first young mother did

I still think about how it felt the first time I looked into the face of my own mortality. What if that were me? What would I want my daughter to know?

Surely, we all think we will be here until we are 100, having grown children and grandchildren to love and make cherished memories with. But the truth is, we may not. And we are all going to die. Many times without saying the things we always thought we would have more time to say.

So I decided to write down at least a few things I wanted my daughter to know. Ten turned into thirty, thirty into many more. I write it not only for my own daughter, but also for the daughter of my patient and all daughters that need a hug. And a mom.

Catherine, this is for you.

(From your mother.)

Love you always.

1. I will always be your best friend. Even when you hate me, even when you feel suffocated by me, I will be here.

2. Respect your father, even if I don’t always provide the best example.

3. Blue hair, tattoos and multiple piercings are, quite frankly, ugly. You may want show your independence that way, but I think that you know deep down, it is not the most attractive look. And I will love you no matter how you look anyway.

4. The world does judge you by your appearance. I know it is unfair, but it is the truth.

5. Girls can be really mean. They will hurt your feelings, betray you and make you cry. Have girl friends anyway. Stick with your true friends, don’t worry if they are popular or not.

6. Mean people suck, they really do. Try to avoid them. Stay away from malcontents, too. They take the oxygen out of the room.

7. Please talk to me about things. I know this sounds like a cliché, but not only was I young once, I still feel the same way now that I did then. I just have a different perspective on it.

8. I know that sometimes I will embarrass you. Sometimes I embarrass myself. And sometimes you embarrass me, too.

9. You will never go far unless you are willing to work hard and do your best. I know it sounds like I just read a bumper sticker, but it is really the only formula for success that works.

10. Make sure that you read the washing instructions in your clothes and that you separate the whites from the darks. I always do a separate load of pinks, as well. They are neither white nor dark.

11. Don’t have a loud cell phone conversation in a public place. No one, I repeat, NO ONE wants to hear your private conversation.

12. Read books. Everything you could ever want to know is written in some book. Your bedside table should always be filled with books you are reading. Go to the library often.

13. Make sure you have fun everyday. Make time for it. It is that important.

14. Smile at people. Acknowledge their presence. It solidifies yours.

15. If you don’t have change for the homeless person on the street, tell them that. Don’t just walk by and ignore them. It is rude.

16. Learn, hopefully from me, good manners. Use them even when you are going through the drive-thru window at the fast food joint.

17. Always thank people.

18. Pray. And when there is no response, keep praying.

19. Accept the fact that you are going to make mistakes in life. It is how we learn.

20. Accept the fact that I have and will continue to make mistakes as well.

21. You know the line, “Beauty is more than skin deep?” It is not true. Either you are beautiful or you are not. Most people are quite attractive and should make the best of what they have got. That is why we have the Bloomingdale’s cosmetic department.

22. I think you are the most beautiful girl in the world. I know that you will never believe that, but it is true.

23. Learn to cook. Know a few recipes that will become your signature dishes.

24. Learn to speak French. At least a few good phrases, and pronounce them properly.

25. Travel and see the world. Dorothy was wrong; everything is not in your own back yard.

26. Be tolerant of other’s views. Allow them to express themselves in non-violent ways. But make sure that you maintain your own thoughts and your own feelings.

27. People die. Wear your seatbelt at all times. Wear your helmet when cycling. Do not speed. Do not become distracted when you are driving. Do not drive drunk and do not get into a car with a drunk driver. Look around as you walk at night. Be aware of your surroundings at all times. Talk to strangers, but do not get into a car with them or arrange to meet them from a chat room conversation.

28. Be patient with the old.

29. Be kind, be kind and then be kind some more.

30. When you date, please do not try to get back at me by dating someone that I would hate. Date someone you like. That is all that matters.

31. Stay away from boys/men who berate you, hit you or are aggressive toward you. Run away as fast as you can.

32. There is no such thing as a normal family.

33. When you plan your wedding, include the groom’s mother in the planning. She is going to become a very, very important person in your life, whether you want to believe it or not.

34. Marry a man who treats his mother with genuine respect.

35. Run from a man who puts his mother’s feelings before yours.

36. Have a really good financial plan and stick to it. You have to save some money. Period.

37. Make sure to own a dog. They provide unconditional love and true comfort. They are always happy to see you and always want to play.

38. Have lots of framed pictures of your family, friends, pets and travels all over your home.

39. Get a pap smear done every year after you turn 18. Do a self-breast exam every month. Make sure that your gynecologist is a female. Men may be good doctors, but they really don’t know what it feels like to be a woman, no matter what medical school they went to. And get a second opinion always.

40. Please continue to let me hug you, even when you get older. It gives me such joy. I promise not to do it in public.

41. On a rainy Saturday, lie in bed with me and watch a movie. Or lie in bed with your own daughter or son and watch a movie together in my memory. (Remember the popcorn and soda.)

42. Please stop rolling your eyes at me.

43. Every day is a gift. Do not forget that.

44. Keep a quarter in your car at all times for a phone call. Cell phones don’t always work.

45. Education is important. Make sure you do your best in school. I wish I had paid less attention to the boys and more attention to my grades. Or at least equal amounts of both.

46. I was a cheerleader in high school and it was fun. Make sure that you are part of something at school. It doesn’t matter what.

47. Know the proper utensils to use.

48. Know how to do minor repairs. There are many books at the library to read or you can ask someone. Have your own toolbox, even after you are married.

49. Put stuff back where it belongs and you will always be able to find it.

50. Always use a napkin.

51. Do not use green or blue eye shadow. I don’t care what the “experts” say, it looks ridiculous.

52. Every day is a new day. Move Forward. Try something new.

53. Treat yourself special. Do not depend on others to do this. You will always be disappointed.

54. Everyone has bad days. Don’t feel alone.

55. Keep up with current issues in the world.

56. Don’t litter, ever.

57. Listen to music. But don’t have one of those ipods in your ears all the time, especially if someone is trying to talk to you. It is rude.

58. Have fresh flowers in your home. Treat yourself to a fresh bouquet every week.

59. Enjoy “things,” but don’t let them define who you are.

60. Just because something is more expensive, it doesn’t necessarily make it better. Conversely, you get what you pay for. You will have to figure that one out for yourself.

61. Listen when people are talking to you. Don’t think about what you are going to say next, just listen. The best gift we can bestow on others is our presence.

62. Call me on Mother’s Day and my birthday.

63. Dad, too.

64. Don’t do things just because everyone else is. I know you need to feel as though you fit in, but try to hold tight to some things that are true only to yourself.

65. Rituals and traditions are can be wonderfully comforting. Just don’t let them become oppressive. Create your own traditions and don’t feel compelled to do things because “Mom did them every year.” My feelings will not be hurt.

66. I am your Mom. Help me become a better one by telling me what you need from me (or don’t need). Although it seems so at times, I am not a mind reader.

67. After you marry; ok, no pressure; if you marry, continue to surround yourself with women friends. Too often, these friends get pushed aside. Don’t do it. Maintain them, cherish them. They stabilize the pressure in our lives, like a jet cabin does at 33,000 feet. If the cabin pressure in a jet didn’t do that, we couldn’t breathe. Think of your friends the same way.

68. Never forget, no matter how old you are, how holidays and birthdays delighted you. Celebrate grandly.

69. Be mindful of what you say. Sticks and stones may not break bones, but words can break a heart.

70. When your heart gets broken, there really is no quick fix. It will hurt. The only known cures are a good, long cry, a hot bath and a lot of chocolate. And the passage of time.

71. Take care of your teeth by brushing and flossing two times a day. Teeth are important. And go to the dentist every six months.

72. Know that I will worry about you until I take my last breath, and maybe well beyond that.

73. Buy yourself beautiful lingerie. Just for you. It’s a nice thing to do for yourself.

74. When you have children, tell them you love them every day. Hug them frequently. Let them sit in their jammies on a Saturday and watch cartoons for hours. Join them. Do not fill their lives with too many activities. Kids these days are over scheduled.

75. Find a great hair stylist and stick with them. Yes, a bad hair day can make you feel awful.

76. Pick up your home a little every day and it will never become a huge mess.

77. Do not be petty. It is a waste of time and energy.

78. Take care of your health. Walk every day, as much as you can. Breath deeply. Release stress.

79. Remember this; there is no magic solution to losing weight. The ONLY thing that works is eating less and exercising more. Period.

80. People will disappoint you. It is a fact. Get over it. Do not dwell on it.

81. People do things because of how it makes them feel on the inside. It is never really about you. Remember that.

82. Someday, when you are missing me, think about all of the fun times we have had. Smile. Remember how much I loved you and what I said to you every night at bedtime; “I love you more than the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky.”

If you smile when you think about me, I will know I have done something right.

Some of my Favorite Quotes:

“Life’s a banquet, and most poor sons-of-bitches are starving to death.” ~~~Mame

“Three things in life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.”
~~~Henry James

“Enough is as good as a feast.”
~~~Mary Poppins

Never think you’re not good enough yourself. My belief is that in life people will take you very much at your own reckoning.”
~~~ Anthony Trollope

“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger then death.”
~~~Robert Fulghum

People don't eat nutrition, they eat food.

2011-04-29T17:04:00.000-07:00

I wish I could take credit for that headline, but I can't. Someone else wrote it. It was the title of a recent nursing abstract by Melinda M. Manore, PhD, RD, CSSD. The headline was good, but the article was dull. All about why people should be referred to dietitians. Written for people in the healthcare world. Boring to it's core.

However, the title stuck with me.

Because it is true.

Some people seem to eat healthy all the time. I don't, even though I do try. But I eat things I shouldn't because, well, because I like them. Like cake and mashed potatoes and even a Coke once in awhile. And chocolate, too.

When I was growing up, we all just ate food. We never thought too much about it. I think back now and I see that my mom fed us The Zone diet. Except she didn't call it that; she called it dinner.

A starch, a protein and veggies. Pretty much every night. And we were thin and healthy and everyone enjoyed eating. We even had ice cream and pie and other delicious desserts she would make every week.

What we didn't have were large portions. We also never ate any processed foods.

And that I think is the difference.

We didn't have high fructose corn syrup in all of our food. We never had a list of ingredients that we could not understand on everything. We ate real food. Simple, real food. Like milk and cheese and bread and butter. Meat and potatoes. A salad. And fruit.

Then the 80's hit, and suddenly fat was the demon. Everything became fat-free. Processed and fat-free. And, as we all ate all that fat-free stuff, we all became fatter. And sicker.

I don't know where common sense went. Now sugar is being labeled toxic. It is crazy. Really crazy.

I think we should all just return to eating food. Real food. And start enjoying it again. When you eat what you like, it makes you smile and you feel good. And you need less of it because you feel so satisfied. And happy.

No one is happy eating Lean Cuisine or a protein bar or meat for every meal with no carbs. That is just crazy.

We should start a revolution of common sense. We don't need calories labeled on everything we eat. We know that if something is HUGE, that it has a lot of calories. We know if it is dripping with grease it is probably not good to eat too much of it. We know that if we cannot understand what the ingredients mean, it is probably not going to do our bodies any good. We know that we don't need a drink so large that it has an undertow. We also know we can eat ice cream one day, but not every day.

We have common sense. I know we do. But the "experts" are confusing us. Telling us that this or that is good or bad based on the most recent study. The one that contradicts a study from last week. And the week before.

So we need to stop listening to the experts and follow our own instincts once again.

I think we will all be happier and healthier for it.

It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of the one or two things still safe to eat.
~~~Robert Fuoss

Believe nothing, no matter where you have read it, or who has said it; no matter if I have said it; unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
~~~Buddha

Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
~~~Josh Billings

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
~~~Alfred E. Newman

Know thy car, know thyself.

2011-04-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

Someone once said that life is a series of dogs. Probably true. But I think that life is really a series of cars. Not everyone has a dog. But everyone, at one time or another, has owned a car.

Remember your first car? The thrill of it? The picture I added is a reasonable facsimile of my first car, a 1970 Ford Thunderbird. Of course, mine was used, about 7 years old. And pretty beat. But I loved it. So many memories I have from driving that car.

I have had many cars since then. And each, if I really think about it, has a story to tell. As a matter of fact, you could probably chronicle my life with stories from each car.

We think that cars just get us from one place to another. And perhaps that is true. But maybe how they get us from one place to another is not always just about transportation.

My first car was just that, my first car. My ride. In and of itself, it wasn't anything special. But it signified freedom to me. Freedom to go places I wanted to go. It was a heady time. A time of expanding my horizons, even if that just meant driving to the other side of town.

After a while, that car proved to be unreliable. So, I bought a safer car. Nothing fancy; small and compact. I was still in school and needed something reliable. Or at least my dad thought I did.

But after I was done with school and I was working as a full-time nurse, and thought of myself as quite independent, I bought a bright red Honda Prelude. Sporty and fast. I loved that car. It went fast and I drove fast. Sunroof. Stereo blaring. Just pure fun. I was footloose and carefree and so was my ride.

I also started to notice other people's cars. Especially guys I would date. Guys with neat, orderly and pragmatic cars always somehow bored me. Something about pragmatic and orderly just didn't work. Nor did flashy or junky.

Think about the cars of your past. Do they tell a story? Maybe you thought you weren't paying attention or that I am just being silly. But I will bet if you think about it, a story will unfold.

The cars in our lives hold many memories. The car you are driving today with your kids inside will have many stories for them to tell after they are all grown up. Think about that. What memories are you making?

Goodness, I can remember all of my dad's cars. Trips we made in them. How I learned to drive in one of them. Everything. I can remember the smell, how I slept in the backseat on long road trips, how my mom always packed a box of travel things with a big tan thermos full of ice water. Geesh, I haven't thought about about that in years.

I can think about and relive parts of my own life through my cars. The sporty car when I was a free spirit, the Mercedes----that was a more obnoxious time, and now, of course, the ugh.....minivan.

But the minivan, which I have had for several years now, loathing each day I drive it, is all about my daughter and car pools and dogs and road trips. This minivan that I loathe will be a source of many, hopefully happy, memories for my daughter. Really, it will. Amazing, isn't it?

So, look at your car and the cars of your past, not just as vehicles, but as an extension of who you are and who you have been. Cars bring back so many memories when you sit back and think about it; some good, some bad, some scary, some maybe even traumatic. It tells stories about who we have been or tried to be, where we have been, who we are now and who we wish we could become perhaps sometime in the future.

What story does your car tell?

We think of a car as a means to get from one place to another. And that may be true. Nothing more than an object we own out of pure necessity.

But maybe, just maybe, they are more than that.

Something to think about as we drive yet again tomorrow.

A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. ~Peter De Vries

The car has become a secular sanctuary for the individual, his shrine to the self, his mobile Walden Pond. ~Edward McDonagh

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car. ~E.B. White, One Man's Meat, 1943

2011-04-20T08:06:00.000-07:00

Take it slow now and again.

2011-04-17T17:07:00.000-07:00

Slow down, you move too fast.
You got to make the morning last.
Just kicking down the cobble stones.
Looking for fun and feelin' groovy.

Do you remember this Simon and Garfunkel song? It is actually called "The 59th Street Bridge Song" (Feelin' Groovy). It was released around 1966. When I was 6. When I took things slow. When an afternoon felt like an eternity.

I was not thinking about this as I went for a walk with my daughter this evening. As we were walking, I thought instead about all the things I wanted to do this week, before I had to work again on Thursday. You know, that perpetual to-do list in our heads.

We had been talking and then I was silent, thinking about all those errands, all those to-dos. My daughter suddenly turned to me and said, "Why aren't you talking anymore?" We had been enjoying a nice walk on a beautiful evening and I was suddenly far away, far ahead of today.

And then that song popped into my head.

We do indeed move too fast. Always trying to stay on top of things. Getting things done. Planning. Thinking about tomorrow or next week or next year. Living in tomorrowland and ignoring what matters today.

"You are right," I told her. And I returned to now and we talked about nothing in particular and we had a lovely walk.

You have to know that these spontaneous times are the ones that our kids remember. I cannot tell you all the adult children I see at the bedside of a dying parent that say to me, "I wish I had spent more time with mom. But she was always so busy."

I don't want my child to be that adult.

And I don't want to be that mom.

So, some may view it as wasting time, just hanging out and doing nothing. I may become known as a slacker. I don't really care. I know that I have a lot to do. And I probably won't get it all done anyway. And my basement may stay a mess and the clothes will pile up and my car may be dirty, and even a bill ot two may be late. But I will try to slow down and think like I did when I was 6 or 8 or even 15.

Like today was the only day that mattered.

Because it really is true.

Life is short, God's way of encouraging a bit of focus.
~Robert Brault

Why always "not yet"? Do flowers in spring say "not yet"?
~Norman Douglas

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.
~Diane Ackerman

Why must conversions always come so late? Why do people always apologize to corpses?
~David Brin

Own your life.

2011-04-12T06:03:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing I have learned by being a hospice nurse it is this. We need to own our own life while we can.

We think we do own it. But we really don't. Our work owns it. Our debt owns it. Our responsibilities own it. Our family owns it. Our illness may own it. And we cannot always do anything about that, it is true.

But there is always a piece of ourselves that we should own. Just us. Alone.

It is not a selfish thing to do this. It is necessary. Like breathing.

I see so many people who have had their lives taken over by an illness. They wish they could have their life back. They are sick of treatment and doctors and they hate it when I come to their home. We have all taken over their life. And they feel like they have lost all control.

But as sad as that is, I see relatively healthy people walking around in the thick of their lives, who don't own their own lives either. And that is even sadder. They are unhappy. They complain more than they smile. They see everything as a problem to solve or an obstacle to overcome. Even vacations are stressful. Everything is a burden. They don't own even a piece of themselves.

Here is the simple truth. Life ends. It does. And not just with death. Walk into any nursing home and you will see that. So, amidst the responsibilities of everyday life, grant yourself something that belongs to only you, while you can.

Don't let your everyday busy-ness own you or define you. Find something to own and hold on tight to it. And find a bit of time in your hectic day to revel in the wonderfulness of you. Your life. Yourself.

Take a minute today to think about what you can own that is truly just about you. Think about your needs and how you can fulfill them even if it is only inch by inch. Check in with yourself occasionally to see what your needs really are. Sometimes we get so caught up with everyone else's needs, we forget our own.

You are really special. You may not have noticed, but it is true. There will never be another you. You will never have another life.

So, own it while you can.

The ultimate folly is to think that something crucial to your welfare is being taken care of for you. ~Robert Brault

A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life. ~James Allen

Jack Palance: "Do you know what the secret of life is? One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and everything else don't mean shit."
Billy Crystal: "Yeah, but what's that one thing?"
Jack Palance: "That's what you've got to figure out."
~From the movie City Slickers

The tragedy of life is not so much what men suffer, but rather what they miss.
~Thomas Carlyle

Be a generous listener.

2011-04-05T13:25:00.000-07:00

When was the last time you dropped what you were doing, stopped thinking about what you were thinking, sat down, really looked at someone, and listened. Listened not just with your ears, but your eyes and your heart as well.

Think about that. We all think we are listening all of the time. And certainly we hear things. But are we truly listening? Would people say that you were a good listener if someone asked them?

I was at a patient's home the other day. There was a lovely woman lying on a hospital bed, about 88 years old. She was unresponsive. She was in the living room of a very well worn home. All the furniture had been moved out, except for two chairs that sat next to the bed.

In one old chair sat a man, about the same age. He looked weary. He asked me to sit down on the other chair to tell him news that he certainly did not want to hear.

He talked to me about his wife of 68 years. Talked about places they had lived and had traveled to. Talked about how they raised their 3 kids and about the grandchildren and great grandchildren they now had. I sat and tried hard to listen.

I had 3 other patients to see that afternoon. None close by, miles apart and it was raining. Then I thought about how I had to rush over to my daughter's school to pick her up and after that I had to go to the grocery store. Then I started thinking about dinner.....

Anyway, the man was still talking to me. Then he said something that I don't think I will ever forget. He said, "What I will miss the most when Martha dies is her uncanny ability to be a generous listener."

That caused me to pause. A generous listener. One who gives the time and energy to listen. One who makes one feel that they are really, truly being listened to.

How many times have you had a conversation with someone and they say, "Are you listening to me?" How many times have you looked at your watch or your phone while your daughter was telling you about her day? How many tasks are you trying to finish while talking to someone on the phone? Did you really have a conversation with your husband last night or were you just talking at one another while watching TV.

Let's face it. We are not always generous listeners. We like our conversations short and to the point. Email, texting and Facebook have become the new ways of communicating and staying in touch. Simple short blurbs.

Communication, yes.

Listening, no.

So, think about how you rate as a listener to the people who mean the most to you. Think about how you look as you stand or sit and talk to someone. Are you really engaged? Do you make eye contact? Are you really, honestly caring about what this person has to say?

Check your body language. Do you have one foot tapping or out the door. Are you looking around to see who is coming or going. Are you nervously clutching your Blackberry or iphone. Are you silently thinking about your to do list. Are you really, honestly present?

We listen with our whole selves. And people notice when we are not.

Mr. Smith noticed. He knew that I was thinking about something else. Even though I sat there, leaning forward and looking straight at him, he knew. He just knew.

And it made me sad. And I am sure it made him sad, too.

We will never know the impact we have on others. We try to be giving to those we love or care about, but many times we fall short of the mark. Sometimes we don't know what to give or how to give it.

Time and attention is what most people crave. It is true. Usually nothing more than that.

So be a generous listener. It is a pure and genuine gift. So give it freely and often.

To listen is an effort, and just to hear has no merit. A duck hears also.
~~~Igor Stravinsky

Can we flee from disease?

2011-04-04T07:12:00.000-07:00

We would like to think that we can.

But it is almost next to impossible as we age. And that is the sad truth.

I see a lot of people of all ages who are sick, very sick. Many ate right, exercised, had parents that lived long lives. They went for annual screenings and were not overweight, never smoked. But they still got a nasty cancer. It happens. It does.

But I also see a lot of healthy people as well. Maybe not healthy in the true sense of the word, that being without disease, but functioning well and feeling good. They may have a problem such as diabetes, high blood pressure, GI issues or chronic pain. But they are able to rise each morning, take their medications and move along their day.

Most do this by symptom management. They take meds. They see their MD regularly. They watch very closely what they eat. They rest when they are tired. They self-monitor. Interestingly, they did not do all of this before they got sick. Sickness gives us a whole new perspective. And sometimes saves our lives.

We all want to be healthy. But biology is against us. And we have to stay very vigilant if we want to be as healthy as we can be.

It seems like every week or so, sometimes even daily, we are hit with a news article about a new superfood or supplement that prevents cancer. Or helps us to age slower. Or one that will keep us "healthy." Everyone is looking for the magic bullet

There are so many ways to get sick. Volumes upon volumes of books written about disease. It is amazing we live at all. But there is a common denominator when we think about disease. And that is stress. Our bodies just don't like it. Everything works overtime; our hearts, our vessels, our hormones. It is like sitting in a car going no where, just constantly revving the motor.

Bad for cars.

And bad for us.

So, if we want a real shot at fleeing from bad disease, or keeping our current disease in check, or allowing treatments to work properly, we have to reduce our stress.

Stress, interestingly, causes many of us to do the unhealthy to bring down our stress levels, thus stressing our stressed bodies even further.

We may smoke, take drugs, drink more, drive unsafely, ruin important relationships. We stop taking good care of ourselves, either exercising too much or too little, eating things that we may enjoy but certainly don't need in excess, or we may get too little sleep staying up late watching mind-numbing TV.

So, why isn't there more talk about stress as a health risk?

Here is why. Because you don't need to purchase anything to reduce your stress. And it seems that if there is no money to be made, then why talk about it at all.

So, I would say that the best way to live a long, healthy life is to look at your own stress level. What is it right now. What are you stressed about? And what can you do to bring it down a notch or two.

The number one thing that everyone can do, and it is free, is to breath. Take deep breaths. Breath in to the count of 4, hold for the count of 4, breath out for the count of 4. Do it repeatedly. Let your shoulder's slump. Think of something pleasant.

It won't make the thing that is stressing you go away. But it can help to allow your body to deal with it in a better way. And that, in effect, keeps us healthier.

So, as ridiculous as it may seem, to stay as healthy as possible, breath. Pay attention to tense areas in your body and stretch. Go for a short walk. Drink some water. Smell something pretty. Listen to music. Look at nature more, even pictures help.

And let go of things that you don't need that are toxic to your lives.

We are all going to age. Our bodies will wear out a bit. Stress makes it wear out faster. Just remember that. And no potion out there is going to stop biology. It simply can't.

You really can't flee from disease. So, instead of trying to arm yourself against disease with the latest new whatever, disarm it instead by reducing your stress. It is free and we all can do it every single day.

So, what are you waiting for?

Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths. ~Etty Hillesum

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. ~Doug Larson

Releasing the pressure, it's good for the teapot and the water. Try it sometime. ~Jeb Dickerson

If your teeth are clenched and your fists are clenched, your lifespan is probably clenched. ~Terri Guillemets

A little seed that grows.

2011-03-27T12:11:00.000-07:00

Think small. Planting tiny seeds in the small space given you
can change the whole world or, at the very least, your view of it.
- Linus Mundy

I copied this quote from a gardening website that I like to peruse. I like this quote and web-site a lot. But I wasn't thinking about gardens when I read it. I was thinking about a movie I watched last night instead.

In the movie "Inception," which is an action packed thriller about the act of stealing one's thoughts during dreams and the planting of an idea into a target's subconscious, was not the best movie I had ever seen. As a matter of fact, I thought the movie stunk.

But today, as I was going along doing my work, I kept thinking about that movie. Its premise. And about how we all are victims of inception, each and every one of us.

The definition of inception is this; an event that is a beginning; a first part or stage of subsequent events.

We all have had seeds of something planted into our minds at some point in our lives. Many times those seeds die out; a word tossed here and there that may have hurt, but never grew.

But many did not die out. Or maybe just one grew. Perhaps even a good one. But many of us have suffered from one small bad seed our entire lives. And it changes our reality, how we see ourselves, our world and our place in it.

Scary stuff. But in fact, true.

We like to think we are the creators of our own destiny. But the sad truth is that many of us suffer. And it may have all started with that one small seed.

I wish I had not seen that movie. I worry now what seeds will grow in my own daughter. We cast a lot of seeds to the wind, never really knowing which one might stick, which one might grow.

I read a story once about a girl who, when she was naughty, was punished by having her dad make a pretend phone call to a little girl named Diana. He told Diana what a wonderful girl she was and how he was going to buy her all sorts of presents because she was so good. He only did this a few times, mainly as a joke. He and his wife laughed about it. It was a long forgotten memory. An attempt to get a child to display good behavior that many young parents make.

When the little girl grew up, she thought she had forgotten about Diana. She never thought about it. She struggled with self worth, but was in therapy and on medication that seemingly helped. She was close to her dad and they spent many wonderful, happy years together. He was always loving and supportive of her. Overall, she loved her childhood and had many happy memories.

It wasn't until she had children of her own and watched as her dad was playing with them in her family room that it hit her. Suddenly, her heart steeled as she watched. And then a memory whispered, "Don't forget Diana."

We may never know what seeds we plant or when the seed was planted in our own selves. And we could spend a lifetime trying to figure it all out and never arrive at any true understanding.

I know I don't have any answers, that is for sure. But the movie, as much as I hated it, planted a seed in my mind that I hope will stay. That words and actions are powerful. That they can truly change lives. As innocent and well intentioned as they may be.

So, I guess my goal will be to plant as many good seeds as I can as often as possible and nourish them to help them to grow. Hopefully, they will choke out the weeds that I will also inevitably plant as well.

I will end this post with a little gardening tip from a book for kids about growing healthy plants:

Seeds are the basis of all plants. That's how they come into this world. Without seeds, there would be no plants.

The basic things a seed needs are light, food and water.

Water is essential to all living creatures.

When the area their roots are in becomes dry, some plants will grow roots out to find a new source of water.

A seed has all the things that the growing plant needs. It has a covering, a protective outer layer that helps keep it from damage, and a good supply of food for the newly sprouted plant.

A seed is a little package of survival.

My green thumb came only as a result of the mistakes I made while learning to see things from the plant's point of view. ~H. Fred Dale

Respect Yourself.

2011-03-19T10:05:00.000-07:00

Definition of Respect:

To take notice of; to regard with special attention; to regard as worthy of special consideration; hence, to care for; to heed.

To consider worthy of esteem; to regard with honor.

How many of you have respected yourself today? Have regarded yourself as worthy this week? Have honored yourself in anyway lately? How about yesterday. Or last month.

Probably not. But you should.

Perhaps we are waiting for someone to respect us first. Or to compliment us or to even just take notice of us. But we are then putting the power of respect for ourselves in the hands of others.

That seems to always be a mistake. Yet we do it time and time again and are always disappointed.

People are always disrespecting themselves for one reason or another. And when a compliment does come their way, they feel as though they don't deserve it somehow. Or that the person complimenting them is just being nice or polite; that they don't really mean it at all. But we should not wait for others to validate us. We should use our own power of self respect instead.

Don't think you have power? Don't think that respect is powerful?

How about the power of a smile. If someone looks you in the eye and smiles at you, how does that make you feel? How about when they grumble at you or are rude? How does that make you feel? Those people, they have power.

But so do you.

And that is just another reason to respect yourself. You are powerful. You can make or break someone's day. You probably do it a lot without even noticing your power.

Treating others with respect is important, but be especially respectful with how you treat yourself and your body, the inside of your body. The part that allows you to live. We are always so caught up with our outside appearance, never minding the inside. But the inside is what really counts.

We feel we may be too fat, too simple looking, too tired looking, too old looking, not pretty or handsome enough. And when we feel that way about what we see in the mirror, than sometimes we disrespect the inside of ourselves. We do it in a myriad of ways. Maybe by eating or drinking things we shouldn't. Maybe by not resting enough, or resting too much. Maybe by not getting to that mammogram appointment or to that dentist appointment. Maybe by not doing something nice for ourselves. Or perhaps even by being mean to others. And that can affect the inside more than we think.

After all, if we can't respect ourselves, that leaves little hope that we can truly respect others. When the well is empty, it is empty. So others cannot drink if we can't.

And it all stems from respect. Respect for self.

So practice respecting yourself. Even if you are not perfect, because you are not. None of us are. Respect your body by listening to it, by nourishing it with what it needs, not with what your brain wants.

And respect your power. Use it for good today. Go out of your way to smile more. Be happy. You should respect yourself enough to allow yourself to feel happy. Happiness is contagious.

We have told ourselves and others a million times that if we had just one wish for our kids, or for the people that we love, we wish for them to be happy. To live happy lives. But no one can be happy if they do not respect themselves. It just simply cannot happen.

So, forget about that extra 10 pounds you need to lose, or the creepy boss who scowls at you, or the new wrinkle you noticed yesterday. Respect the fact that you are not perfect, but pretty darn special anyway. Respect the fact that your body allows you to get up each day, walk, eat and drink, breath easily, see lovely things, read a book or that your arms are strong enough to hug those that you love.

Respect that wonderful body of yours.

Respect the fact that each day you are here, you make a difference.

Then, make one.

Happiness is inward, and not outward; and so, it does not depend on what we have, but on what we are. ~~~Henry Van Dyke

To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves; there lies the great, singular power of self-respect. ~~~Joan Didion

Would that there were an award for people who come to understand the concept of enough. Good enough. Successful enough. Thin enough. Rich enough. Socially responsible enough. When you have self-respect, you have enough. ~~~Gail Sheehy

Go Outside.

2011-03-14T16:38:00.001-07:00

Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.
~Albert Einstein

By now we have all pretty much seen the devastation that occurred recently in Japan. Nature at its worst. Destructive. Deadly. Scary.

But nature is life. And many of us are seemingly removed from its beauty and awe.

And that is a shame.

I hate to date myself, but I spent pretty much most of my youth outside. I looked for and watched all sorts of things, even bugs; I actually watched ants carrying food into their anthill for hours. I sat in grass and searched for four leaf clovers. I clearly remember the smell of spring, the crispness of a fall day and ran outside with delight to catch the first snowflake on my tongue. I can remember playing in the rain on a summer day and splashing in puddles. Even as a teen.

And now? I don't do any of those things. Not really. And neither do many of us. Nor our kids.

Which is even sadder.

I am not sure what brought about this disconnect from nature. Maybe TV started it all. Or perhaps it was even further back, when clocks first started appearing. We used to tell our time from nature. From the sun and the moon, the stars, the seasons. We were in touch with the world and that was a good thing.

Once clocks became the way to tell time, we became prisoners to it. We ignore nature's call, and instead look to the ticking of an inanimate object to guide us. Why, we even change time so that we can have more daylight. Seems wrong somehow. Messing with nature like that.

Anyway, I guess the time change, the earthquake, the resulting tsunami and all that devastation got me thinking about all of this. About nature. And time. That and a blog I read about a guy and his dog who climb mountains near our home in the White Mountains of NH. And I realized, I have not climbed them. What am I waiting for?

I know. I am waiting for the right time to do it. When I have more time.

And that is where we all go wrong.

We think we will have more time. Someday. We are all just so freaking busy. There is so much to do, so little time. We just can't get things done. The clock is on the wall and on our wrists and lit up on our phones constantly telling us to hurry up, we are almost out of time. The clocks imprison us. We need to be somewhere, doing something. We have no time to waste. Hurry, hurry, hurry.

It is maddening.

And that is why it is time to go outside.

We need to get in touch with our own internal clocks, our own rhythm. We really are one with nature. And the more we remove ourselves from it, the more isolated we feel. More stressed. Not understanding ourselves anymore. Sometimes I think it makes us sick. Physically sick.

We need to take back our lives, our time. We need to own it again, just for a while.
For one day it truly will be gone. We will have run out of time. Our time. For real.

So turn off the phone, the tv, the computer. Take your watch off and look around. It doesn't have to be a mountaintop that you are looking out from. It can be just your own backyard. There is nature there as well. And don't look at what has to be done in your yard. Look instead at what is happening that is just part of nature. Look at how the trees know when to bud and bloom. The flowers now starting to come back up from the earth. Look at the grass getting greener, the birds flying and picking up twigs for a nest. They don't need a clock to know what they need to do.

And neither do we.

We just think we do.

When was the last time you left the drapes and windows open and let the sun awaken you? When was the last time you sat in grass or looked up at clouds or the stars.

I know it will soon be spring. The calender and the clock will tell us. But just go outside and let nature tell you. There are signs of spring all over the place. You just have to take the time to look.

I know that we have to keep track of time. We have jobs and kids and deadlines and responsibilities. But every once in awhile, we need to get back in touch with nature, with ourselves. With life. Real life.

So, just go outside. It is there waiting for you. It is as simple as that.

Be glad of life, because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars; to be satisfied with your possessions, to despise nothing in the world except falsehood αnd meanness and to fear nothing except cowardice; to be governed by your admirations rather than by your disgusts, to covet nothing that is your neighbour's except his kindness of heart αnd gentleness of manners; to think seldom of your enemies, often of your friends and to spend as much time as you can with body and with spirit."
~~~Henry Van Dyke

I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in.
~~~John Muir

What humbugs we are, who pretend to live for Beauty, and never see the Dawn!
~~~Logan Pearsall Smith

Here is the link to the blog I mentioned, it is excellent:

http://tomandatticus.blogspot.com/

The luxury of complaining about nothing.

2011-03-06T06:23:00.000-08:00

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. ~Joe Walsh

All of us complain about things. Sometimes daily, sometimes several times a day. We complain about the weather, the traffic, our jobs, our kids, our lawns, our dogs. We complain about the price of things, the lousy meal we had last night or how bad our favorite team played. It never seems to end.

Sometimes it seems that we would not have much to say to each other if it weren't for complaining. And it seems to me that some people simply enjoy complaining and it has become one of their favorite pastimes.

What we don't seem to realize is how lucky we are to have the luxury to complain about such trivia.

I see so many people who have a lot to complain about. They are watching a loved one die. They are in pain. The services we lined up didn't go right for some reason. The hospital made a mistake. But the funny thing is, I seldom hear them complain. About anything.

It seems like when we really see how bad things can be, we realize we have nothing to complain about. All those things we thought were so important just simply vanish.

A patient summed it up this way as she looked out her window on a recent snowy, cloud filled day:

"Why did I used to complain about the weather all of the time? Now I am happy just to see another day. I could care less what the weather has in store. I am just glad to be here. But I feel like I wasted so much time complaining about it. Too cold, too hot, too windy, too much snow. Like the world was doing this just to make my life miserable. What I failed to realize was that I was making my own world miserable. I wish I could have those days back. I would never complain again."

There is wisdom in what she said. How many of us make our own life miserable by looking for things to complain about? Perhaps time would be better spent looking for things to rejoice about.

Anyway, pay attention to what you are saying. See if you can catch yourself complaining about nothing. And then, rejoice in the fact that you can.

“Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think.”
~~~Horace

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.
~~~Lily Tomlin

Instead of complaining that the rosebush is full of thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses.
~~~Proverb

Growing up in a culture of mean.

2011-02-27T16:01:00.000-08:00

The everyday kindness of the back roads more than makes up for the acts of greed in the headlines. ~Charles Kuralt, On the Road With Charles Kuralt

I watch a lot of TV with my almost 12 year old daughter. I like to see what she is watching. Kids learn a lot from TV and other media as well. But mostly TV.

And what I see is a whole lotta mean.

Let's start with SpongeBob Squarepants. A funny enough program. Until my then 5 year old started calling everyone an idiot. She did that because of Squidward. She had no idea what idiot meant, but how bad could it be? I mean, Squidward is saying it, on TV no less.

Fast forward a few years. Now we have TV shows that show parents to be utter morons and way too much reality TV that is far from real. And what do we have? Kids and adults who think that mean is funny.

And I think adults are sometimes worse than the kids, quite honestly.

I just don't get it. We are so afraid of a swear word here and there, but we allow this utter mean nonsense into our lives. And we tivo it for goodness sakes.

Look, I am no goody two shoes. I have said things no child should hear in the car with my daughter listening.

But I am not mean. I do not call people names (well, unless they cut me off in traffic) and I don't make fun of people. I don't belittle people and think that it is funny.

But we are exposed to this daily, sometimes even more frequently. And I think it is the worst thing ever.

Now, I am not saying that anything should be censored. I know people will say that you can just shut those things off and not watch them. Fair enough.

But I think we are too far beyond that. I think we live in a culture of mean. A culture where anything goes. Where manners have disappeared. Where being mean is considered cool. And I think it is sad.

If there was a show on TV that showed respectable kids like Leave it to Beaver or shows I grew up with, they would not last long. I sometimes have my daughter watch old reruns of these shows and she is like, "Can I go now?" And I am sure that if we had had shows like they have today we would have watched them, too. And why not.

But that is all my daughter and her classmates know. This is the culture they are growing up in.

And that is hard to change.

I know there are no answers. No solutions. Not really. I do watch these new shows and suggest to my daughter that they are mean spirited. And she says she knows. That she gets it. But the shows are funny. And "all the kids watch them."

I suppose that is true.

So, how do you survive in a culture of mean?

And I am not simply talking about kids now. I cannot even watch Sunday morning TV anymore as the political pundits are just as mean as some of the characters on Family Guy. Just less funny.

I don't know. I am not sure where this whole thing will go. Perhaps it will go nowhere. Maybe it really won't matter after all. Maybe I am worrying about nothing.

After all, our parents and grandparents lamented when rock and roll came about, and we all turned out okay. So maybe I am just overreacting.

But the thing is, rock and roll did not make me feel bad. But this new culture sure does.

I am not sure it is worth the few laughs it gets. Seems we are all just more miserable than ever. No one is happy and laughing more that I can see.

I guess I just don't get it. Nor do I want to. Not really.

So I will just keep doing the things that make us happy. Like being outdoors, playing and taking care of animals, watching documentary films that they all complain about but like, making art, traveling, seeing art and listening to music. A little here and there sprinkled in our weeks. A bit of softness and love that perhaps will drown out the mean.

Surrounding ourselves with things that feed our soul is the only protection I can think of. Because we can't just turn off the culture we find ourselves in. Not really.

But we don't have to buy into it, either.

Being considerate of others will take your children further in life than any college degree. ~Marian Wright Edelman

Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you - not because they are nice, but because you are. ~Author Unknown

Don't be yourself - be someone a little nicer. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. ~Dave Barry, "Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn"

Sarah McLachlan-Ordinary Miracle

2011-02-19T06:34:00.000-08:00

When you wake up everyday

Please don't throw your dreams away

Hold them close to your heart

Cause we are all a part

Of the ordinary miracle...

Happy February Vacation Week.

What's Good About Goodbye / The Promise (I'll Never Say Goodbye) - Nancy...

2011-02-12T15:36:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite singers...she died at a young age from uterine cancer.

A beautiful love song for Valentine's Day. Crank it up and dance with the one you love.

And if I never
Leave your arms,
I really would have
Traveled everywhere
For my world
Is there.

When I say always
I mean forever
I trust tomorrow
As much as today
I am not afraid
To say I love you
And I promise you
I'll never say goodbye.

Don't forget to say the words.

2011-02-12T13:58:00.000-08:00

Looking back, I have this to regret;
That too often when I loved, I did not say so.
~~~David Grayson

Oh, the unspoken word. I cannot tell you how many times I hear people say that they wish they had told someone that they loved them, or that they were special to them or that they were important in their lives. So many regrets. So much pain that could have been avoided.

I am sure we all have meant to tell at least one person that we loved them and then didn't, and it really was too late. But most likely we still have a chance, we just feel that it is too late. That too much time has gone by or a silly disagreement left us apart for too long.

Or maybe we think it is corny or we are too embarrassed to tell someone how we really feel.

Well, I am here to tell you that it is not too late as long as that someone is breathing. So get over it. Time to put on your big girl panties or your big boy boxers and just get on with it.

Stop procrastinating. Stop making excuses. Stop thinking you have time. You may not. And then you will be filled with regret.

It is simply not worth it.

I have met so many people that will never hear I love you from a mom or a dad, brother or sister, best friend or loving Aunt. This is what the person probably thought; they thought, "Oh, they know that I love them." But then they were gone and the words were not spoken.

And just so that you know, knowing and hearing are different. We want affirmation of love. With words. Repeatedly. Or at least occasionally.

So what better occasion to tell someone you love them than Valentine's day. A perfect day to say the words. Or to write them down in a note and send them. Do not text, do not email. A card is a treasure that one can keep. An email, not so much.

Hug your kids and tell them that you love them; your husband, your wife, your significant other, too. But also call your brother or sister, your mom and dad or that old friend you haven't talked to in awhile. Or send a note that says, "You mean a lot to me, just wanted you to know."

It takes so little time to make someone feel great. Two seconds and a 44 cent stamp.

Really? Really.

So, what are you waiting for?

Here are some ideas:

* Write on a card 14 things you love or admire about your spouse, friend or family member. Fourteen special things for the 14th day of February. People love that. So much better than a store bought verse.

* Look through old forgotten pictures and send one to an old friend or family member. So many of our pictures sit forgotten on shelves or in boxes. Someone would really enjoy an old memory.

* Make a memory scrapbook for Valentine's day, or any special day for that matter. (We do Christmas). Put pics and cards and write what you did. Add photos. Just a page. Just tape them in or buy a clear plastic pocket folder insert. Not a big time commitment. But each year when you look back you will be glad that you did because we forget so much.

* Okay, flowers are easy because you don't have to do anything but spend money. So do it. Everyone loves flowers. Just send a handwritten note with them.

* Buy a card or make one. Or write a poem down on a pretty piece of paper. What ever. But do something. No one will remember the card so much as the fact that they didn't get one.

The point is to do something. Valentine's Day may not be as important as Christmas or Easter or Passover, but it is the universal day of love. And we all have someone that we love.

So tell them. They want to know. They would love to know.

I promise, you won't regret it.

Kenny Chesney - The Good Stuff

2011-02-09T05:50:00.000-08:00

Do broken hearts mend?

2011-02-08T15:33:00.000-08:00

Where do you start?
How do you separate the present from the past.
How do you deal with all the things you thought would last,
That didn't last.
With bits of memories scattered here and there,
I look around and don't know where to start.

I see a lot of heartbreak in my job. Spouses married for decades losing the love of their life. Newly married couples stunned to find out they have just months left after searching years for one another. Lovers separated by years and miles who found each other in their golden years, hoping to grow old together, but certainly won't.

It is sad and unending, but somehow still shocking and surprising.

I guess I have been thinking a lot about love since we are in that month of love, February. Valentine's day. All those shiny hearts hanging everywhere. But these hearts that I see will surely be broken.

And I wonder. For good?

I know lots of people who have suffered broken hearts along the way, myself included. But we grew up and moved on and found new loves or new interests and the wound somehow healed. There may be a flicker of pain occasionally, but it dissipates readily.

But these wounds are different. Lives that are certainly intertwined now coming apart. Memories that seem to have only each other now becoming painful instead of sweet.

Lives built. Houses filled. Homes made. Families raised. Two people who have hung on for dear life and survived intact after bitter disappointment. Two people who have celebrated milestones. Two people who really only know life with one another. A life they lived for so long. One that they thought would never end.

So how do you mend a heart when your whole life goes away?

I have three couples who have been together decades that I am currently taking care of; an elderly gentleman and his lovely wife, a younger unmarried couple in their forties and another long time married duo in their 60's. Each has a spouse or significant other dying from a nasty cancer.

They talk to me a lot about things they used to do before the illness. Most don't want the illness to define their marriage or their relationship. They show me paintings and projects, work being done on their house, pictures of kids and grandkids. They talk of trips they hope to somehow still take, birthdays coming up, how they hope to return "to normal" once again. But there will never be a normal again. Just a new normal. A new reality.

They try to be strong. But they are holding on tight to the life they once had. So afraid to let go. They tell me they don't know what to do. They haven't even made funeral plans. They can't think about it. They cry. They become silent. They look down at their hands. They seem lost.

I never say anything then. I just let them talk. I allow them their silence. I know that nothing I will say will make it any better. They know that I know how this will all end.

But what I don't know is, how will it all begin again. How will their heart feel a day, a week, two years from now. I know that everyone grieves differently. Some soldier on and others collapse and hide. But no one really knows what goes on inside another's heart.

So I guess there is no real answer to the question of a broken heart. I suppose we will all find out when we get there. So we will just keep loving and living until that happens.

The quote I started with is a song about a life coming apart, who knows why. It talks about how you cannot separate the present from the past, how you never really move on completely. How the heart never really mends and never really forgets. It doesn't say that you are sad. It just says the heart remembers, so that seems right to me. That a piece of everyone we have ever really loved stays with us always.

And that is a comforting thought. That is what makes love so worth it. Our hearts are strong and will survive, wounds and all.

The song ends like this;

One day there'll be a song
or something in the air again.
To catch me by surprise and you'll be there again,
A moment in,
What might have been.
Where do you start.
Do you allow yourself a little time to cry.
Or do you close your eyes and kiss it all goodbye.
I guess you try.
And though I don't know where and don't know when
I'll find myself in love again
I promise there will always be
A little place no one will see
A tiny part within my heart
That stays in love with you.

Happy Valentine's Day.

A little fishing tale.

2011-01-23T14:53:00.001-08:00

One day, there was a man who lived a modest, but happy life in a small fishing village. Every day he woke up, played with his two kids, had breakfast with his wife and went to fish. At night, he returned home with his fish to sell in the market the next morning. He had a wonderful dinner each night by an outside fire and he and his family played games and read until bedtime. They had many friends in the village who stopped by all of the time. They were really happy.

Then a friend from a big city came to visit. He told the man, you are not successful. You need to get your degree and go to work in the city and provide a better life for yourself and your family. Ashamed, the man agreed. They sold their small hut, and left to what they thought would be a brighter future.

The man and his wife bought a beautiful home that needed a lot of upkeep. The man never had time to play and have breakfast with his wife and kids. He hardly ever fished anymore. His kids went to fine schools and attended many activities, but were never happy anymore. They missed their dad and their mom, who had to go to work as well to maintain this life. No one came over to visit because everyone they knew were also very busy.

After the kids were off to college and on their own, the man and his wife decided that they were now ready to retire, as the man had had a heart attack from working so hard. He worked and saved all these years so that he could afford to retire in a little fishing village.

The man and his wife moved back to the small, little fishing village and bought a new hut. He gets up every morning and has breakfast with his wife and goes off fishing. He is very happy now, sorry that he had to leave this life for so many years so that he could call himself a success. Now all of his friends from the big city are impressed that he can retire to such a fine, comfortable village and be so happy and stress-free. What they fail to realize is that he could have had this all of his life and his children would have been happier, he would have been healthier, and they would have all been just fine. All of his friends that still work in the big city are working even harder now so that they, too, can afford to move to a fishing village and be happy and fish everyday.

They want to have his success now, too.

Eva Cassidy - What A Wonderful World (Live 1996) (Louis Armstrong)

2011-01-17T13:30:00.000-08:00

This gorgeous voice was silenced by melanoma when she was only in her early thirties.
It reminds me that the world is indeed a very beautiful place to be, but it can also be so damn cruel.

Here is a link to a Nightline story about Eva Cassidy.
http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/video/rainbow--10170062

What the New Year brings.

2011-01-01T13:03:00.001-08:00

Last night was New Year's Eve and I worked a 12 hour shift. I admitted a woman to our hospice house whose daughter had to make the grueling decision to stop her mom's dialysis treatments and let her die. The mom has advanced cancer, cannot eat or drink and is in pain. She is 79 years old. The dialysis kept her alive. Now she will surely die and the daughter was in despair.

"This is the worst New Year's Eve of my life," she said to me as she sat in the green recliner chair next to her mom's bed and cried.

I look at her and nodded. No words were really needed. I understood. It was only a few short years ago that my brother and I made the same decision to stop life support for our dad.

"You made the right decision," I told her. And I told her I knew how hard it would be, how she will continue to second guess herself, how she will be sad.

Then she looked at me and said, "So, what will the New Year bring? Where will it take me. I always lived with my mom. What will I do now? Do I start over?"

Good question.

Good question indeed.

We all feel a desire for a new start every once in a while. The New Year promises a fresh start, but it is usually more of the same, even though we make a lot of resolutions. And we trudge on hoping for a change perhaps, hoping there is some magic in the turn of a new year.

But we seldom find it.

So, what does the New Year bring?

I am not sure. I guess it brings new expectations. And that can feel like a burden at times.

So I told her that the New Year has a lot of false promises. We want to have a fresh, new, happy start, but that is not always possible. Actually it is seldom possible. Even in the best of times.

But it does not have to be all doom and gloom. We can just accept ourselves and our lives and and try to love ourselves despite all the bad and despite the unknown. If we want change, it is not going to come more easily if we beat ourselves up over it. Maybe instead of having a bunch of resolutions we will most likely break, we should just resolve to do things we enjoy and that bring us joy, even if fleeting.

I asked the patient's daughter what they normally did on New Year's Eve. She told me her mom always made soda bread and they sat down to tea.

So, we made tea in the hospice house kitchen and toasted her mom for a glorious life well lived. And we toasted the daughter and made a toast to a life that will be sad for a while, but that will have wonderful memories to take along that will comfort her along the way.

She smiled. We laughed at some funny stories.

And the New Year brought joy, however briefly.

“When you wish someone joy, you wish them peace,
love, prosperity, happiness... all the good things.”
~~~ Maya Angelou

“Let a joy keep you. Reach out your hands and take it when it runs by.”
~~~Carl Sandburg

“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”
~~~Thich Nhat Hanh

A poem I share with the bereaved.

2010-12-09T19:05:00.000-08:00

I Am Fishing for God

I am fishing for God,
using my heart as bait.
It is just before dawn,
the slightest hint of
pink bleeds into the
night sky.

I use my pen knife to cut the
hole in my chest,
reaching behind the
pocket of my shirt.

What a tough muscle
to pull the hook through.

The heart is astonished
to be in this other world
and trembles and shivers like
a moth discovered in daylight.

I try to calm it by stroking it,
by telling it that it will all be ok,
but what do I know.

The breeze picks up and
chills the cavern
in my chest.
It feels good to
be empty at last.

I cast my heart
across the water.

I cast it again
and again.

Sometimes it floats on
the surface,
other times it sinks
below.

Something will strike at it
that I can't see. I pray
I am using the right bait.

The tough outer layers
soften in the water.
The heart grows
smaller, more pliant.

It has become a beautiful
blue jewel. I begin
not to recognize it.

Was this me?
It waits. I wait.
The boat rocks
slightly in the breeze
lifted and lowered
by the tide.

Copyright © 2004 Stuart Kestenbaum

Life isn't that short.

2010-11-21T16:01:00.000-08:00

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.
~Fr. Alfred D'Souza

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.
~Diane Ackerman

No, life is not always short. It only seems that way when it is ending.

Life can feel really long to some people. Days, hours, months can seem to simply drag by, and some see only more empty time in the future. And it doesn't just feel this way to depressed people or old people in a nursing home. It can feel this way to each and every one of us occasionally. And sometimes more often.

Only when we know the expiration date in life or get sick or know someone who has died suddenly do we feel like our life is short.

Most of us trod along each day pretty certain that there will be a tomorrow. We plan for future events. We save money for our retirements. We think about our home and plans to downsize in the future when our kids are safely tucked away at college or beyond.

And most of us get there. We grow old. We have grandchildren. We do indeed retire. We stay healthy and vibrant for many years. It is good.

Some don't make it, I know. I am reminded of that each time I work. So I try to make the best of the time I know I have, like today and perhaps tomorrow. But I still think about the future. We can't always just live in the present, we must plan for our future whether we get there or not.

I think the problem arises when we think too much about the future and let today pass by, thinking that there will always be more time. So we let really important things wait.

Like telling someone we love them. Or reaching out to an old friend. Or going to see that movie we keep promising our children. Or that trip. Or that scrapbook.

We will get to it "when we have more time." That is what we say. And we fill our days with a lot of meaningless tasks that sit in front of us day in and day out taunting us. We feel somehow we must conquer the mundane first before can get to the meat of our lives.

And that is a mistake. A big, huge mistake.

So, life may be long. But don't fill those seemingly empty days with nothing. At least take time to do some really fun things and sprinkle them into the everyday upkeep of life.

Put down the laundry and take your kids to the movie. Let the dishes sit while you play a game with your family. Call an old friend even if you don't have time. Start that scrapbook, just do a few pages. Sort though old photos with your kids and tell them stories. Go for that walk. See that sunset. Pop over and visit that friend or relative you have been meaning to see. Put that picture in a frame so you can enjoy it. Finally get that dog you promised the kids.

Yes, there may be many more days to do these things. But we never know. And what we fill our lives with now will be the memories that future generations have of us. Do we really want them to think of us, even if we live to be 90, as the pragmatic soul who mindlessly watched TV or did dishes and laundry all of the time? Or do you want them to remember us as folks who ventured out of our pragmatism to do spontaneous acts of fun and good will? They are a much more powerful memory. And a much better example to follow for a meaningful happy life.

So, look ahead. Look towards the future. It is there most likely. But take a really hard look at your journey so far and then plan ahead and fill the rest of it, no matter how long, with some fun and laughter along the way.

A boring journey is just that, boring. So, save for the future. It is a must. And plan ahead. It is not only okay to be practical and prudent, it is imperative. But don't forget about the here and now. Cut loose frequently. Be spontaneous. Give out little gifts of yourself along the way to everyone that you know. Don't just pass them along after you are dead. A shared memory is the gift that keeps on giving. Giving your time while alive is much more precious than anything material you could possibly pass on after you are dead or disabled.

The journey is the best part of our lives. Don't squander it.

Spend the afternoon. You can't take it with you. ~Annie Dillard

“Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming ... WOW! What a ride!”

Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways. ~Stephen Vincent Benét

To change one's life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions. ~William James

“I haven't a clue as to how my story will end. But that's all right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don't conclude the road has vanished. And how else could we discover the stars?”

When we don't feel like being thankful.

2010-11-18T05:38:00.000-08:00

Soon it will be Thanksgiving. Most people like Thanksgiving because a.) it revolves around food and b.) you don't have to buy gifts. I guess I should also add that it is a day for family and football as well. So all around, a fun holiday.

But some people are just not in the mood to feel "thankful." They may have lost a loved one, or have been laid off of work, or have a sick child. They may have memories of lovely family holidays in the past that no longer exist. They may hate being forced to be around people they just simply do not like. The list goes on and on.

So, what do we do when we feel this way? Certainly all of my patients and their families and friends do not feel so thankful right now. And platitudes and cheery greetings do not help at all.

So what does?

Really, there is nothing. Nothing can make the pain go away. But the problem is, most people turn inward towards the holidays. They steel themselves against any happiness creeping in. It is as though they won't allow themselves to feel anything but miserable. They sneer at the "lucky" people who seem happy and content. They simmer in their own regrets and misery. It can be a very lonely place indeed.

Well, I have to tell you something. We all feel like that on many days, particularly during the holiday season. Even the smiling, seemingly happy people. If you can remember that and remember that you are certainly not alone in your despair, it could help you to feel more connected.

And a connection to anything is something to be thankful for.

So, you may have a load of misery that feels especially compounded at the holidays. How to get through it? Connect.

You can connect in many ways. It is okay to reminisce about the old days. You are connected to them. It is okay to remember those we lost and pine for them. We are still connected even though they are not here in person. You perhaps had something great. And although it is gone now, you can be thankful for the wonderful memory, even through tears.

Now, the ones that are still here who drive us nuts are another issue. But we can be thankful we have to only see them occasionally. And leave it at that.

The bottom line is, you don't have to be thankful or cheery. You can feel sad at holiday time. But don't take it out on yourself. Do something nice for yourself. Connect with yourself if need be. And find ways to be thankful in small ways. Reach out to others instead of always drawing in and admit that the holidays can be tough and limit yourself to a few activities that make you, if not happy, at least content. And don't be alone. Connect to something, anything.

The holidays are hard. Life is hard. But we are really not alone on this. We are all connected to each other in so many ways.

And that is something to be thankful for.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. ~Herm Albright

If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want. ~Oscar Wilde

Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey

So often time it happens, we all live our life in chains, and we never even know we have the key. ~The Eagles, "Already Gone"

Sadness envelops the day.

2010-11-09T16:28:00.000-08:00

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

People ask me all the time how I can be a hospice nurse. I tell them I don't know. And I really don't. But I do it and it usually makes me feel good that I am actually helping someone.

But yesterday, a very young patient died and now I am engulfed with sadness. She was a lovely young woman with much to live for, struck down by a cancer so devastating that I am not sure how she pushed forward for the 6 years since her diagnosis.

The treatments alone would have done me in. But she not only survived those treatments, she went back to school and received her Master's degree plus opened a restaurant. She was brave right to her very last breath. So brave. So very lovely. It was truly amazing.

I usually keep myself a healthy distance from becoming too involved with my patients. I have to. But I really liked her and her family. They were so genuinely kind and generous. And so I am devastated by this loss. The world is a sadder place for having lost her. And her family will move on but with a huge hole that will never really fill. My heart goes out to them.

So, how do we deal with this sadness? I am not always sure. I guess we just leave it alone and allow it to envelop us for a a while until we can come out of it to the other side.

There are no words that can make it better. No cheery platitude. No drug even. Not really. And there is no such thing as closure. We can put it away in our hearts, but the wound never really closes. We always remember.

So today I am allowing myself to feel sad. Death is sad, it really is. There is no denying that. And I see my fair share of it and have experienced it in my own life as well. I still to this day have very sad moments about the loss of my parents even though it has been many years.

They say that every death that touches us reminds us of all the deaths that we have experienced. I am not sure that that is actually true. I just think each death or loss is simply sad on its own accord. There seems to be no reason to complicate it any further. It is what it is. Sad.

Very, very sad, indeed.

So, anyway, I started this with a poem about death that is my all time favorite, if you can even have a favorite poem about something as awful as death, but here it is and I will end with the remainder of that poem.

(In honor of all of my patients, but especially for H.Y. and her family.)

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
W. H. Auden

And if you would like to see a reading of this poem, which is from the movie "Four Weddings and a Funeral" but read well anyway, go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_a-eXIoyYA

Waiting for death to come.

2010-11-05T15:09:00.000-07:00

Currently, I have several young patients that I am case managing. They are in the age range of 9 (yes, 9) to 53. All have been dealt a nasty hand with a nasty cancer. All are very sick with disease, but still quite functional.

All are waiting to die.

All have been given a time frame. And all have seen that time frame come and go.

I hate time frames. They are always wrong. Always.

The problem with time frames is that people start counting down the days. And they stop living. They just stop.

And they say goodbye and hug their friends and have tearful, heartrending talks and meet with their priests and some even pick out the music for their funeral. And then? They sit and wait.

And they waste a lot of precious living time.

It is a shame really. They just don't know what to do if they keep on living. And neither do their friends or loved ones.

So, they ask me. How much longer do I have? Why didn't I die yet? What is going on?

And I have little to say other than I just don't know and they are just going to have to keep living and so we move forward. Many times, reluctantly.

I wish MDs did not give patients a time frame. Some nurses do it as well and they are often wrong, too. I only can tell by my physical exam, but that is not to say that something catastrophic won't happen that causes sudden death. Like a clot or a hemorrhage or something else.

But I could say that about everyone I know.

So the point is to just keep living. Regardless of the hand you are dealt. And tell people every day that you love them and would miss them if they were not near you. Get that out of the way so that if you ever do get a bad diagnosis or are struck down while seemingly healthy, you will have no regrets. And the people in your life will be free from wondering how you really felt. It is a gift to them.

So give it often and freely.

My patients that have already said good-bye at what they interpreted as the end have many regrets. They regret doing it too soon and treating it like it was the last thing to say to friends and loved ones. Because now that are still alive, they don't know what to talk about anymore. So they avoid their friends and family. And they feel alone.

"So what do we do now? Do we just go back to the trivial," asked the wife of one of my patients.

Well, most times the trivial is the mainstay our lives. Laughing at a funny show, talking about work or school, asking what to have for dinner, picking out new furniture, watching sports. These trivial things are our lives. The "profound" really does not matter so much after all. We think it does, but a hug and a smile and a squeeze of the hand pretty much can sum it all up. And we can do that every day, even during commercial breaks while doing something as trivial as watching Dancing with the Stars.

So, just keep living. Don't worry so much about death or the end. It will come. It will. But life, life is all we know. And all that trivial nonsense we thought was a waste of time? It is as profound as anything else we could ever say or do.

So, my advice to my patients and their families is this; don't ever stop living. Keep doing what you love for as long as you can. Enjoy any moments that seem normal. Try not to look too often over your shoulder for the bad, it will come when it is ready. Laugh if you can. It is really okay. There will be many bad moments, but grasp any good ones that come along.

Feel free to be angry. Get really mad. You don't have to be strong.

This is hard.

Lean on friends for support. Allow them to help you. Call the nurse if you need help. We want to help, we do. You are not bothering us. Give us the burden of care so you can just be the wife, the husband, the sister, the brother, the child.

It is hard to wait for death. It is much harder than the fight to survive, even with the horrible treatments and side effects. At least you were moving forward. Death has its own time frame and follows no rules. The hardest part isn't letting go or fighting to live. The hardest part is waiting to die.

So, don't do it. Just keep living. Don't stop and wait for the end to come. Just try to keep moving forward. Listen to no one except the promptings of your own heart. It is the best and only reliable guide we have.

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. ~Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Letters to Lucilius

Rejoice in the things that are present; all else is beyond thee. ~Montaigne

It is only possible to live happily-ever-after on a day-to-day basis. ~Margaret Bonnano

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present. ~Babatunde Olatunji

Don't believe the hype.

2010-10-26T15:49:00.000-07:00

Every day, I receive an email from various health and beauty web sites I have signed up for that talk about health, diet, fitness and general grooming, such as skin care. And every day I read about the newest, the latest, the greatest. And you know what? It is all just hype.

There really is not too much that is so new as to be earth shattering. They have simply taken the old ways of doing things and repackaged them to make them look new.

Like skin care for example. There are hundreds of skin care lines. Walk through any Sephora and you will find a special cream or lotion for just about any body part. They have special creams for kids and men as well.

And guess what? You don't need any of it. Not really. All you really need to do is to cleanse your face at night, moisturize to prevent it from looking like old, dried out leather and occasionally you need to exfoliate.

And that is it.

The trick, and there is a trick, is to do it routinely, every single day and night. And that is where so many fail.

It is not necessarily the product that is helping you. It simply that you are taking better care of your skin.

And you don't need to spend a fortune to do it. Personally, I use a cleanser from Walgreens that dermatologists love. It is called CeraVe and it is an inexpensive, awesome cleaner. You don't need a fancy, expensive cleanser. You just need to clean your face.

I have an elderly patient who has great skin who uses Dove soap. And Vaseline. For about the past 60 years. And very few wrinkles at all. (she recently signed off of hospice---she got better and she's 88)

Now, that said, I must confess I use an expensive face cream. It is called SK-II. It is remarkable, in my opinion. But I use it as a day and a night cream. And I use it under my eyes as well. Along with using a vitamin E stick that I purchase for about three dollars. And I exfoliate with a scrub from Target 3 or 4 times a week, from Boots. That is it. And my skin looks pretty good for being 50. Not perfect, but okay. But I never go to bed without washing and moisturizing. I do it religiously.

And that is the trick. Doing it consistently.

Consistency is the name of the game.

Now, if I could only apply that same logic to exercise....but I digress.

The next big hype is diet. I read every single day about a new food that will cure whatever, a new supplement that we all should be taking or a new diet book that promises you can eat all you want and still have a flat stomach.

But they are selling nothing new. Blueberries have always been good for us. As a matter of fact, eating fruit has always been a great idea. And veggies, too. Do I really need to spend time reading about this? No. I know what to do. And so do you. There are no secrets out there to learn.

Eat real food in smaller portions. Don't eat food your grandmother would not recognize. Don't eat food that has a list of ingredients you cannot pronounce. Eat whole foods.

And if you want to drop weight, eat less and walk more.

(That will be $29.99. Thank you.)

But they are still selling these books and exercise videos and special eye creams and neck creams and, well, I could go on and on.

And we are all still buying them.

Go figure.

Anyway, I am not buying into the hype anymore. If you want to lose weight, you have to eat less. If you want to stay healthy, you should walk more and not smoke or drink to excess. You shouldn't drink 7 Diet Coke's every day, drink water. You should get out in the sun to get vitamin D. But just not too long unless you put on sunscreen. You should learn to relax more, have fun friends to hang with, get a good night's sleep and worry less. A baby aspirin a day is a proven winner. So is a regular multivitamin. And a glass, one, of red wine cannot hurt. Cutting back on sugary foods is also important. Excess sugar and sodium causes our body to have an inflammatory response. And inflammation causes problems like cardiac disease and cancers. That is a proven, scientific fact.

Anyway, I am not saying that any of this is easy. I struggle with it too. But we all know the things we need to do.

The hard part is doing them.

And not buying into all the hype.

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon. ~Doug Larson

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book. ~Irish Proverb

To avoid sickness eat less; to prolong life worry less. ~Chu Hui Weng

Those obsessed with health are not healthy; the first requisite of good health is a certain calculated carelessness about oneself. ~Sydney J. Harris

Didn't he see the warning signs?

2010-10-23T04:33:00.000-07:00

I am often asked about how people die. Not specifically how their actual death occurred, but what lead up to it. What the warning signs were. And why they were missed.

Most people ask me this because they want to make sure that they do not have the same issues.

For example, if a young patient has melanoma, people will ask me, did they sit in the sun a lot, did they have a lot of moles, did they have a family history, did they wear sunscreen?

Or a stroke victim. Did they have high blood pressure, was there a congenital anomaly, did they suffer from headaches?

Most of us do this. It is how we justify death. When someone who ate and drank everything they wanted to dies, we often shake our heads and think, well, they just didn't take good care of themselves. That won't happen to me.

But I see a lot of people who die and they seemingly did everything right. Exercised, went to the MD yearly for a check-up, ate healthy food, had parents who lived to be 90, put on sunscreen, kept their weight normal.

But they developed cancer or heart disease and they died. Usually way too young. And it is these types of deaths that give us a chill. Especially as we enter middle age.

So, what can we do? Are there warning signs that they missed?

My answer to that would be a yes. They did. And we all do as well.

So, what warning signs can we look for. What can we do to protect ourselves?

We can start by paying attention to the warning signals in our car and remember to always wear a seatbelt. Many healthy people die this way, in stupid accidents. We don't often think about it, but most motor vehicle deaths are totally preventable. We drive after a couple glasses of wine. We don't always pay attention and become distracted by cellphones and kids. We text. We don't always wear a seatbelt. And we place ourselves in peril. Sometimes daily.

Stop it. Be more aware of the risks here.

We also need to understand that our body talks to us. It is quite wise. It tells us when we need to slow down, take a rest, get more sleep. But we hardly ever really listen to it until we are ill. We just stop at Starbucks for another jolt of caffeine to get us through the day. But we need to rest. We need to sleep. These are preventative measures we should all be taking. But don't.

And pain. We often dismiss it. But it tells a story as well. Don't ignore it.

There are other things that happen to our bodies as we age and they are silent. High blood pressure being one of them. We need to have it checked and keep it around or below 120/80. High blood pressure leads to a myriad of problems if left unchecked.

And our weight. I am not saying we all need to be thin. On the contrary, there are many studies that suggest a little bit of fat can be protective. But we still have to keep it in check. We need to stay away from excess sodium and sugar. We need to walk more. Drink more water.

Many cancers are not related to any one cause. We would like to think they are, but they are seemingly random. And that is simply the truth.

Our bodies have to be equipped to fight aberrant cells. The best way to do that is to listen to our body and take good care of it. From the inside out.

That means we should take a vitamin pill, take an aspirin every day to alleviate inflammation in our body (which is deadly), not feed it too much junk and processed foods, not overwhelm it with too many chemicals and pharmaceuticals. We need to balance things better. Mom was right; everything in moderation.

You have to watch out for the warning signs yourself. Your MD may say that things look great, but only you know yourself. Only you can really judge.

I don't know everything for sure, but I do know one thing; we will all die. I see it all of the time. But we can prevent an early, premature, needless death if we take certain precautions. We can.

So, start to tune into your own warning system. It may in fact save your life.

First we make our habits, then our habits make us.
~~~Charles C. Noble

Nobody ever did, or ever will, escape the consequences of his choices.
~~~Alfred A. Montapert

The name of the game is taking care of yourself, because you're going to
live long enough to wish you had.
~~~Grace Mirabella

Medical professionals who are anything but.

2010-10-17T14:39:00.000-07:00

We have all met them. Or worked with them. Or have heard stories about them. Bad medical professionals. Be it nurses, MDs, dentists, physical therapists. You name it. They are out there. Everywhere.

And just because someone has MD after their name, or RN, it simply does not make them a compassionate, caring person. No. Not by a long shot.

Nor does it mean they are necessarily competent. No matter how impressive their credentials are.

I could tell you stories, scary stories that would make you sad. And afraid. But I won't.

I would have to say that most medical professionals are good people. They know their limits and ask for help when necessary. But there are a few out there with an ego as big as Sputnik, and those are the ones that give all the rest of us a black eye.

Nurses know what I am talking about. The arrogant resident, for example, who thinks he knows it all. But he is merely book smart with a fancy degree from a Ivy league school who could not cut his own toenails well, let alone know what to do for a patient in crisis. But he refuses to listen to an RN because, well, we are just beneath him. We could not possibly know anything. And he is dangerous. 007's we call them. Licensed to kill.

Or the RN who gets the best accolades from management because she never calls in sick and works extra shifts and always charts perfectly. Unfortunately, she is awful with any practical patient care and actually puts patients in harm's way. But you cannot say anything, no one is listening. So you just clean up after her as much as you can and hope for the best.

It is maddening. It is what stresses out nurses and MDs and others more than anything else. I always say that it is not the job I hate at times, just the people I am forced to work with that make the job hard.

That is not to say I think myself perfect or that I have never made a mistake. I have. But I try to learn from any mistake I make. I also ask for help when needed. And I always, always, put the patent's needs first.

And that is what you should look for when you are looking at care providers. Putting your needs first. Treating you as a person. Not a diagnosis, not a 4:00pm appointment, not a simple home visit.

They should greet you warmly and look at you. In the eyes. They should listen to you without interrupting or putting words into your mouth. They should explain things thoroughly and not look at their watch every time you ask another question. That is simply rude.

Most people know when something seems not quite right. They realize their concerns are simply being dismissed. They may have a gut feeling that someone is doing something wrong. But most are too intimidated to say anything.

But I will tell you this; be the squeaky wheel. Complain. Put complaints in writing. And repeat as necessary.

The one thing that I can say for sure after being a nurse for 30 years is this; medical professionals do not police their own. We see it all. We know who is bad. We have all witnessed things that we have found to be quite incredulous. But many of us have not said a word. Or we have said something, only to be shot down. They kill the messenger. See if we do that again. It is frustrating, but true.

So, beware. Don't assume that because you are going to a well respected institution for care that everyone there is top drawer. They aren't. Ask around. Get referrals from friends or people with the same medical issues. Go online and search.

I know people who ask for more information about a veterinarian for their dog or a hairdresser for their hair. And I have seen people change their hairdresser after a bad cut, but not too many who will change their MD after a bad diagnosis. It is crazy. It really is.

There are many good, hardworking, excellent medical people out there. Start with the MD and the hospital of course. You cannot always choose your nurse, but you can unchoose her by stating your concerns. Trust your gut. Follow your own thinking.

It could save your life.

All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes.
~~~Winston Churchill

Guard against the prestige of great names; see that your judgments are your own; and do not shrink from disagreement; no trusting without testing.
~~~John Emerich Edward Dalberg Acton

You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run
~~~Kenny Rogers

Deciding to be happy.

2010-10-11T05:03:00.000-07:00

I was driving to a patient's home the other day and was behind a car with a bumper sticker that said, "Life sucks, be happy anyway." Truer words have never been spoken, or written.

Life indeed can and does suck. You do not have to be a hospice nurse to understand that. I see a lot of misery. I see a lot pf pain. But I also see something else; happiness despite all of it.

Anti-depressants are the number one prescribed medication in the world. I am sure that self-medicating with alcohol or street drugs trump those numbers 2:1. And why shouldn't people be unhappy. After all, life is hard. People disappoint us, money is tight, people get sick, the news is always bad, work is awful, things never seem to live up to the hype. Some days it seems that we need to just stay in bed with the covers over our heads and hide from the world.

But no one said life would be easy. No one said that we have a right to happiness. So, we should just grab happiness anywhere we find it. We can and must choose to be happy.

I was at the home of an 8 year old patient the other day. It is a sad scene. Here is a beautiful 8 year old with an inoperable brain tumor that will kill her in a few short months. It came on suddenly, and will kill her suddenly. She is still attending school. She has all of her hair. She does not look sick at all.

I look at her young mom. She is devastated. So is the dad. But in that house also lives a 12 year old sister. One with a full life ahead of her. So, do they succumb to doom and gloom? No. They grab any moment of happiness and go with it despite the pain they are feeling.

They choose to be happy.

Happiness is not something that we can feel all the time. But when we feel it, we should immerse ourselves in it. Really feel it. Ask yourself, when was the last time you felt pure happiness?

Many of us do not allow ourselves to be happy. Many wallow in misery and look for others to share their misery with. They are the Debbie and Donald Downers, and they are everywhere. They are hard to avoid. And they usually find a reason to be unhappy about any circumstance. I try to avoid them whenever possible.

Abraham Lincoln once famously said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." And he was surely right about that. But he also said something better, that is not often quoted. He said, "I want it said of me by those who knew me best, that I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower where I thought a flower would grow."

So, look at happy thoughts as a way of planting a few flowers in a yard full of weeds. Sometimes that is the best we can do. Life will always be hard. Bad things do indeed happen. Misery abounds.

But happiness is there, too. We just have to look for it and embrace it when ever we can.

My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate. ~Thornton Wilder

The best vitamin to be a happy person is B1. ~Author Unknown

Jumping for joy is good exercise. ~Author Unknown

Happiness always looks small while you hold it in your hands, but let it go, and you learn at once how big and precious it is. ~Maxim Gorky

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. ~Marcel Proust

When the patient is a child.

2010-09-27T16:57:00.000-07:00

I can think of nothing worse than a child on hospice care. The family sitting there, day in and day out, hope gone. Feeling horrible because they cannot kiss it and make it all better. Sitting there feeling angry and sad, feeling like they cannot cope another day, another hour, another minute. Just pure agony.

We don't get too many referrals for pediatric hospice care. Most parents are reluctant to even think about it and fight to the last breath, many children dying in the hospital. I cannot blame them. I would most likely do the same.

But some MDs want the patient to be able to be managed at home. To die at home. To have their last days in a comfortable place. A place that feels safe to them.

And the parents who chose this option are so brave. So very, very brave.

I remember my first pediatric hospice patient. His name was Brian. He was 12. He was the bravest kid I had ever met. I have trouble even thinking about him, let alone writing about him. He remains in my heart always.

Kids have a way of doing that. Being special by just being.

Many kids who are not sick are very special as well. Actually, all kids are special. They just don't get to hear it as often. Many healthy siblings of sick kids are often jealous of all the attention their brother or sister are getting. They feel left out, isolated. They cannot talk about these feelings because it feels so wrong. They think, how can someone be jealous of a loved one who is sick? Something must be wrong with me to feel that way. But nothing is wrong with them. It is completely normal. We see it often. Sometimes in adults as well.

When I go to see a sick child, I also try to visit with the siblings. I bring them gifts. I give them small tasks so that they feel they are helping me with the care of their brother or sister. They want to help and feel a part of it all. As scared as they are, and they are, it helps them to cope. It makes them feel special, too. And they are special. And very brave.

I look at my own daughter. She is very healthy. I am very blessed. But I tell her all the time how special she is. Because things can change in a moment's notice.

People worry about spoiling their children. They worry that if they give them too much they will expect more and never be satisfied. But I say bunk to all of that. Make a wish wishes should not be granted only for the very ill or dying. They should be granted for the living as well.

Many people turn away or refuse to think about the unthinkable. But it happens to all types of families every single day. It humbles me to meet these wonderful families, the ones that have been through so much and still are able to laugh and smile and just simple carry on.

If they have one message it is this; love your child. Love them as much as you can and be grateful for them in your lives, even when they make you crazy. Indulge their whims. Do something unexpected for them on occasion. Hug them more. Tell them how much you love them.

And then tell them again and again and again and again.

While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.
~~~Anonymous

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~~~From a headstone in Ireland

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. ~~~Edna St Vincent Millay

Let your kids play----- P.S. We are all kids at heart.

2010-09-15T15:13:00.000-07:00

When was the last time you played? I mean, just really stopped what you were doing and took the time to play?

And when was the last time your kids played freely and joyfully?

Many kids do not even know how to play anymore. They are so used to being structured, that when they do find some free time, they are not sure what to do.

I feel as though sometimes we are pushing them to be something. But I am not sure quite what. I also feel that we push ourselves to be something. And again, I am not sure to what end.

We all want our kids to be successful; of course we do. But a life bereft of fun and games and pleasure is just not a great life.

We think we need things. Lots of things. But things provide only short term joy. However, we still try to get those things, and most of the time we work extra hard and are extra stressed to achieve just that. And what do we end up with? I am not sure I have the answer, but if I look around, I do not see people dancing in the streets full of glee over what they were able to get. I see stressed out folks who like to drink or take a pill to make themselves feel happier. Trying to forget about that stressful day. You know, the one that they have to live day in and day out so that they and their children can have more.

But more what?

I also see a lot of kids. I see them at my daughter's school, I see them when I substitute as a school nurse, I see them when I work as a camp nurse. And what I see frightens me. I see a lot of stressed out kids. If I could send home a prescription, that prescription would say, play more.

And that starts at home. Allow yourself to allow your kids to play. To goof off occasionally. To sit in their PJ's all day on a Saturday watching TV or playing the Wii or reading or sleeping or dreaming or coloring. Have a non-structured day where they can eat what they want and be what they want. It may surprise you that they will love this. They will love this a lot.

And occasionally join them. And not because it is a vacation or a holiday, but for no reason at all. Have a "just living day." Have it on a Thursday or a Monday. Surprise yourself with this gift.

We are fed a lot of stuff these days. That we have to push, push, push; and then we have to push some more. That it is a competitive world and we have got to get going if we are to ever achieve and keep up. I hear it all of the time. I have been caught up in it myself. However, it is simply a lie. And it leads to bad days, not good ones.

But a good day, a really good day, just is. And we do not have enough of them. Our kids do not have enough of them. We are a nation bereft of joy.

So, tonight, let you kids have some fun. Let them play. Yes, even on a Wednesday. Have some fun with them. Have a day when you just eat junk food or tell funny stories or act silly. Don't do errands or laundry or chores. Just be.

I am telling you, play is the best thing for what ails you. It will make us happier people. And after a day like today, I will tell you, it is the most important thing we can ever do.

“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.”
~~~Plato

“I still get wildly enthusiastic about little things... I play with leaves. I skip down the street and run against the wind.”
~~~Leo F. Buscaglia

"The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four - of secondary importance is to prepare for being five."
~Jim Trelease

It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.
~Frederick Douglass

"Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything."
~Giacomo Leopardi

Filling up time.

2010-09-12T09:22:00.000-07:00

"I don't have any time today."

"I will get to it when I have more time."

"I always thought there would be more time."

I hear a lot of talk about time. Not just when I work with folks that have truly run out of time, but everyday folks in my everyday life. It seems to me that no one feels that they really have enough. We are a nation bereft of time.

I know that we certainly have a lot more time saving gadgets now. More than our mother, father, grandparents and great-grandparents ever had. But it seems as though even with these things we run faster than ever and still never have any extra time to spare.

So what gives?

I read a quote yesterday that stated this:

"People talk about the reality of their life as if it is important. And we want you to understand, it's only the temporary indicator. If your gas gauge is on empty, do you go to the gas station and look at your gas gauge in horror? "How did this happen? Why, why, why did this happen to me?" Do you lay your head on the steering wheel and just sob? "Oh, look what it's come to. I'm finished. I've lived all of this life, and look where I am." Or do you just fill up?"
- Esther Abraham-Hicks

I liked this quote, because most of us feel depleted much of the time. We feel we waste our time on meaningless nonsense. We feel that time is slipping by fast and that we have no control. We feel our life is too busy, but still so empty in so many ways. We feel overwhelmed. Rushed. Exhausted.

But do we ever stop and think about time? Not how much we do or don't have left, because we will never know that, but how we actually spend the time we do have now.

I hear people say things like, "that is a waste of time." or "God, I wasted the whole day and got nothing done." Is it really a waste if you are enjoying yourself? And what is time for anyway? I am sure it is not there to simply use up on meaningless tasks, is it? I hope not. But I don't know for sure.

One thing I do know for sure, however, is that time truly does end. And I can share with you a bit about the end of time. I am familiar with that as I work frequently with the few that are actually there. Time is over. The cancer has spread. They can no longer get out of bed. They await death.

And what do they think about? They think about life. Their life. The time they spent living. Some curse that time. They may have spent way too much of it at a job they hated. They regret not spending more time with family and friends. They regret not seeing Europe. They regret not spending more time on the garden. They wish they had gone to the beach more. They regretted not wasting more time on things that brought them joy.

A patient recently asked me this, "How much time do you spend on joy? You see so much death, you must not want to waste a single day on things that do not bring you joy."

I thought about this. I do spend a lot of time on things that do not bring me joy. Like doing laundry or dishes, or grocery shopping. But those are the everyday tasks that must be done, and I know she wasn't talking about that.

What she was alluding to was this, do we take the time to stop and do things that bring us joy, that fill us up in a meaningful way. Do we make the time to go to that concert we read about, to go to the beach on a beautiful day, to go outside and ride bikes with our kids, to take that art class. Do we stop when we see something that piques our interest, or do we drive by hoping to get back when we have more time?

Or are we using our time to do the things we think we should be doing even though we dread them. Things like spending time with people we don't particularly like, or exercising because we worry about being too fat, or cleaning our homes and pulling weeds and fussing over things that really have no meaning what so ever but that we feel we must do for some odd reason. The fact is we waste a lot of time doing things that do not add value or joy to our lives. And for what gain?

The people I meet at the end of life are not always sad. Some have lived very long and fulfilled lives. They talk to me about their garden, how they went to the beach each summer, how they loved to paint. These people are not all retirees or empty nesters. Yesterday, I admitted a beautiful lady who was only 43. But she talked about her passions and she is still fulfilling those passions, even though she knows that death is a certainty.

"I am not giving up on my life. I will continue to do with it what I want and can until the very last breath is taken from me. And it will have to be taken from me. I choose to fill my life with what I want. I do not choose to leave this life empty."

And so there it is. We can fill our own lives. We can. We just have to choose to take the time to do it. Even as time runs out.

Time goes, you say? Ah no!
Alas, Time stays, we go.
~Henry Austin Dobson

Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you. ~Carl Sandburg

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. ~Louis Hector Berlioz

Do good intentions count? Do actions really speak louder than words?

2010-09-01T12:05:00.000-07:00

"I really meant to call."

I was meaning to call, but got so busy."

I wanted to stop by, really, I did. But my kids are sick and I thought I would make her sick."

"I didn't know what to say."

These are all excuses I hear from well-meaning friends and relatives who call us to get information about a patient's medical status. I have probably used the same excuses myself.

We all get busy. We all mean to call or to write or to stop by or to buy that card. Many times we have very good intentions, we just don't always follow-up on them. And then time gets in the way and moves us too far forward and we think it is too late to go back now and call or write or whatever.

But it isn't. It is really never too late.

"I haven't heard from her in years," said a patient recently when I told her about a phone call we received from an old friend. "Why is she calling now I wonder?"

We didn't wonder. This was a woman who was well liked by many and we had received many calls. But we are not allowed to give any information to non-family members, so we always refer the questions to the patient or their family members or caregiver.

Her friend had said she knew about the patent's illness from others. They had been best friends in high school, but had lost touch since graduating some 40 odd years ago. They often kept in touch only by the occasional reunion or Christmas card.

"But I never forgot her," her friend said to me. "Life has a way of getting in the way of things that matter to us, keeping us apart. But I have loved her since the 9th grade. She was part of me. Will always be part of me. I never told her that. It seemed like my life going forward with my husband, my kids and my career became me. And that is true to some extent. But that alone did not shape me. You never forget the ones that helped to shape your life. And when they are going to be gone forever, it leaves a huge whole. Bigger than I ever could have imagined. I should have called or visited. I should have written a note. Is it too late now?"

The patient was on home hospice care, pretty much bed-ridden at this point in time. But she was still alert, still taking visitors, still answering the phone. Still alive.

"It is never too late for the living," I told the friend.

"But what if she is mad at me for being quiet all of this time. I really had good intentions. I did. Should I tell her that? Do good intentions count?"

I said I wasn't sure. Perhaps they could count if they are known. But once someone is gone, good intentions provide little comfort.

So she called. They lived 400 miles apart, so a face to face visit was probably not going to happen, but they talked each day for a few minutes and exchanged cards and pictures and their lives met up again.

"I often wondered about Jane," my patient said, her eyes smiling as she talked about her. "I could have called her too, you know. It is not just her fault. She told me about all of her intentions. I told her about all of mine. I am not sure what kept us from doing the things we wanted to do, but that is just water under the bridge now. Swept away. Her good intentions were voiced to me and mine to her and that is good enough. I never really paused enough to reflect on how much the people in my past younger life meant to me. We focus so much on the current, but the past is part of us as well. She will always be a part of me and I of her. Isn't that amazing. Isn't life a grand journey."

This patient died recently, but it made me stop to think about all the good intentions I have had over the years that I never got around to sharing. And I wondered if it was too late as well. But Clara, my patient, taught me something. That good intentions really do count.

That words can be just as powerful as actions.

As long as they are spoken and can be heard and shared.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
~~Martin Luther King, Jr

Don't lose yourself to the details of life.

2010-08-27T06:43:00.000-07:00

"A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born."
~~Antoine de Saint Exupery

Remember when we were kids? We thought our parents were so boring. They were always doing laundry, going grocery shopping, cleaning, going to work day in and day out. They came home, watched the news, maybe had a cocktail, cooked the dinner, then went to bed. Maybe they read for a while. And of course they nagged us all of the time. To get things done. Things that were meaningless to us.

Remember how we thought we would never be like that? That we would be more interesting, freer to express who we were? It all seemed so simple then.

But then we grew up. The details of life began to consume us. We wanted more so we worked harder. We acquired more. We moved to bigger houses with more stuff. We had kids and became involved in parenting 101, almost at a fevered pitch. We joined the TPA. We joined local community groups. We exercised. We did laundry. We grocery shopped and bought organic.

We make dinner. We clean up dishes. We nag our kids to do their homework, clean their rooms. We shuttle them to activities that we hope will enrich their lives and make them happy. We go to bed exhausted. And then we make our to-do lists for the next round of responsibilities that will need to be done tomorrow, and the next day and the next. An endless stream of tasks.

In essence, we have become lost in the details of life, just like our parents did. We have become the person we swore we would never be.

And life goes on.

Until it doesn't.

Sometimes events that we have no control over get in the way. We may be diagnosed with a life ending disease like cancer. Or ALS. Or heart disease.

We don't like to think that these things can happen. To us. We try to shut out the possibility. I know I do. But, unfortunately, I am forced to see it every time I work. People who were plodding along just like you and me are suddenly struck down with this disheartening news.

And how do they manage? Some make to do lists, just like they always did. They look at the details of the disease and try to take control of it. It begins to consume them. Just like life had.

But, occasionally, I meet someone who does not do that. They have an interesting story to tell and it is worth hearing. They step away from details and look inward.

And they are much happier.

One patient, young with three kids, was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer and no treatment options, so she decided to take all of her kids out of school, much to everyone's surprise. She decided to home school them. Her husband took a leave of absence for a year. They rented an RV and traveled the country. They had fun. They were together.

Yes, they let things go. They didn't always eat healthy. They didn't worry about the lawn. As a matter of fact, they let it go, much to the chagrin of their tony neighbors.

They did pay their bills and remained responsible to the important things that keeps life humming along. But they let go of the seemingly endless lists of details that used to bog them down and stifle their enjoyment of life.

"Before I had cancer, I was just an empty shell. Always busy, but busy became me. When people asked how I was doing, my answer? Busy. Sad really."

She went on. "I used to be a dancer when I was young. But my mom said that dancers can't really make any money. So I became a lawyer instead. And then a wife. And then a mom. And I lost myself somehow. I became the details of my life. I wasn't living my life, I was managing the details. Sure, from the outside, we looked great. Nice home. Pretty yard. Well mannered kids. But inside, it was empty. I was empty. I loved my life, don't get me wrong. I just got lost in the details."

"Once I got sick, I realized that this was it. I had little time left. I wanted my kids to know me. The real me, warts and all. Not just mom with the never ending Blackberry in her hand, nagging them to hurry up so we could move on to the next thing. I wanted to just be me, for them to see me. And now I had the perfect excuse. Cancer. But I wish I had realized it earlier."

This patient recently died. In her 40's. It made me cry. A lot. Not just because she was a beautiful person who had to leave this world way too soon, but because she was a terrific role model. A true inspiration. A great mom to three young kids. And a lovely human being.

I learned a lot from her. I may not be able to just pack up for a year and rent an RV, but I can take a day now and again to get in touch with myself. To leave the to-do list at home. To do things that I enjoy that other's may think are crazy. To just be me for a change.

I have also learned that nagging does not help. People hate nagging. If my daughter doesn't have her homework done, all my nagging won't make her a better student. If she fails a test or misses an assignment, she will learn the consequences of her own actions. And that is a much more important lesson that anything I can muster.

I learned from that patient, her name was Eve, that we cannot always shoulder the responsibility for everyone. We may not even be here to always do that. We have to instill in others a sense of themselves. And let them fly a bit on their own.

The last thing she said to me before she died three weeks later was this, "These past two years were great. My kids finally got to know the real me. Not the nagging parent or the lawyer or the household manager. But the real me. I danced for them. We looked at old pictures together. We looked though my yearbooks and I told them stories of how I hated so and so and liked so and so and how certain teachers made me feel bad. I told them how I hated math, hated it. And that my math teacher in High School was an idiot. That I had detention a few times. That I smoked weed. That I thought my parents were dull. I told them how I became a lawyer and thought that I would help others, but instead became part of the machine and ended up worrying more about billable hours. I told them how I met their dad. That I had sex before marriage. That I was a real person, just like them. They were astonished. Maybe even a little uncomfortable. They thought I did not have a clue as to what they were going through. And they began to see me more as person, and less as a role that I played. I am not sure it helped them in any way, but after I am gone, I want them to remember me. The real me. Not just the details I attended to. I know it shocked them a bit. But that is okay. Life is shocking. Get used to it."

God, I miss her.

“Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.”
~~Angela Monet

Put the gadget down. Please.

2010-08-22T16:45:00.000-07:00

Last week, I was rear ended by a person who was clearly not paying attention while driving. He never even braked. Distracted drivers are becoming the new drunk drivers. It is becoming epidemic.

But I am not upset by this. It was a good wake up call. I have allowed myself to be distracted as well. We all have. We may not text and drive, but we dial and drive and talk and drive and look back at our kids and drive and put on lipstick and drive and eat a burger and drive. I have been known to use the rear-view mirror to check my hair while driving on the Mass Pike at rush hour.

By the grace of God, I have not been surprised by a stopped car in front of me. I have not veered off of the road or into the path of another car.

Yet.

But I don't want to talk, or write, about distracted drivers.

I want to talk about people living distracted lives.

There is a lot of life around us. But so many of us miss so much of it. We are obsessed with checking our email, texting, playing games on tiny screens and watching TV. We are always in a rush.

It seems to me that the more technology we have to make our lives easier, the more complicated they have become. The more we are removed from real life. And the less in touch we are with ourselves and our families.

We are so removed from real life that we even watch fake real life on TV.

So odd.

But when someone becomes ill, real life makes a sudden appearance. And shakes things up a bit. I see it happen often.

Suddenly, they are forced to slow down. They see things often for the first time in a long time. They talk to people face to face more often. They read more. They rest more. They write more. They spend more time with family. They spend time working on things that bring them joy. Like needlepoint, reading the newspaper or reading trashy novels. Maybe playing cards or board games with their kids. Things they thought were "time wasters' before.

And they hardly ever turn on gadgets. Not even a computer.

"I never realized how alone I was. I thought I was paying attention to things because I emailed a lot and talked to old friends on Facebook. I thought I was connected to my daughter and son because we texted each other every day, sometimes several times a day. My husband and I watched TV together. But the thing was, we were never really together. I really did not have a clue as to how they were truly feeling, how they even smelled anymore. I used to lie down with my daughter and smell her hair when she was young. That to me was heaven. Now, I never do that. I am sad to say it. I am usually yelling at her to brush it or get it out of her face instead."

This is not some dying patient who had a sudden epiphany. She is a youngish 40-something career oriented mom on our bridge program for pain management. She has two kids, a girl who is a "tween" and a teenage boy.

"I see them with their friends. They text one another while in the same room so that others cannot hear their conversation. I understand that all of the kids do this. I get it. But they miss so much. Relationships are so much more than typed words"

She went on to say, "I never really slowed down until I got sick. I thought I was getting so much done by multi-tasking all of the time. Trying to be productive. Trying not to "waste time". But all I did was waste my time on things that really do not matter. I was always so distracted. I want to smell my daughter's hair again. I want to hug my kids more and spend less time doing things that only I see as important. People are important. Interacting takes time. You have to learn how to interact with people. I am worried that my kids won't know how to interact. We really should have a national no-gadget day. People need to reconnect."

Indeed they do.

Connection is a key part of life that many of us think we have, but we don't. Texting and email is a great way to communicate, but it is a lousy way to really connect. Because to really connect, you have to be physically present. Really present. (And to drive safely you have to be present, too. Ahem.)

So that distracted driver really did me a favor. He made me realize how foolish I have been, allowing myself to become so distracted. Distracted to life.

So tonight I will ask my daughter to put down the gadgets. I will shut off this computer. I will reconnect by disconnecting.

And then I will hug her. And I will smell her hair.

And I will drive only to get somewhere safely. I will be present. Cause if I am not, I may never be again.

Life lessons from a kitten.

2010-08-13T06:19:00.001-07:00

Recently, we have acquired another pet. His name is Russell, our new kitten. He is just about as adorable as can be. I never thought that I would warm up to him as I have, being allergic to cats and all. But he has stolen my heart.

He has also done something else. He has shown me that I can learn a lot about life from a kitten.

A kitten you say?

Ridiculous.

I offer the following truths.

1. Purr and sit quietly and people will respond in kind. Scratch and bite and people will put you down and never pet you.

2. Let people know when you are hungry and they will feed you.

3. Sleep when you are tired.

4. Playing with others is fun, but if you are not nice, they will not play with you anymore. Worse, they will growl and bark at you.

5. Go to the bathroom when you need to, but keep it clean. No one likes a dirty bathroom.

6. Groom yourself daily.

7. Enjoy the warm spot the sun makes.

8. Touch people gently with your paws and keep your claws in.

9. Pounce on whatever seems interesting at the moment.

10.The simplest toys are the most fun to play with.

Need I say more?

Living with animals can be a wonderful experience, especially if we choose to learn the valuable lessons animals teach through their natural enthusiasm, grace, resourcefulness, affection and forgiveness.
~Richard H. Pitcairn

Man, unlike the animals, has never learned that the sole purpose of life is to enjoy it.
~Samuel Butler

Everything in life is speaking in spite of its apparent silence.
~Hazrat Inayat Khan

Animals have these advantages over man: they never hear the clock strike, they die without any idea of death, they have no theologians to instruct them, their last moments are not disturbed by unwelcome and unpleasant ceremonies, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills.
~Voltaire

Having less is the secret to happiness.

2010-08-13T04:32:00.000-07:00

When I was a younger upstart with a big job at a big corporation, (yes, I left nursing to become, among other things, the Director of Managed Care for New England, for a large, well-known pharmaceutical company) I met a colleague who worked in New York state. He was different from all of the other sales managers. He was quite simple. The others were showy and talked about all that they acquired and so on, but this guy didn't. He didn't wear flashy clothes. He didn't live in a big house. He didn't have a fancy watch. And yet he always seemed relaxed and happy.

His philosophy was, "live beneath your means." He told that to anyone who would listen. The other guys made fun of him. As they were stepping on each other's necks to get ahead and acquire more, he simply plodded along. Doing his work quietly and efficiently.

He stood out like a sore thumb.

While others talked about a new boat or a Cape Cod second home or a big vacation to Bali, he talked about his family. While the others talked about moving into their dream home, he talked about how his family of 4 shared one bathroom in their split level home in upstate New York. While others talked about the fancy and expensive camp they were able to get their kids into for the summer, he talked about how they went camping or bike riding.

The other guys I worked with, and most were guys, made fun of him behind his back. They made comments like, "low class" and even "loser." But these guys, who were all about getting more, and more and more, were just about the unhappiest guys I had ever met. And they were always stressed. Always fretful.

Even with their fancy homes and watches, boats and second homes.

Today, I go into the homes of many people. Some live quite well, with huge homes amid manicured lawns in upscale communities. Others, live in basic squalor. I see a lot of poverty.

But there is a middle ground, where people live quietly, but well. And I have to say, they seem the happiest to me.

They have just enough. Just enough house, just enough yard, just enough decorating to make their home seem, well, homey. Nothing over the top, nothing to really brag about. Just a warm, comfortable feeling.

Most of these families can afford the additional care that is many times required when you get sick and want to stay at home. Hospice benefits under any insurer only provide 4 hours a day of home health care aid services. The patient and family have to make up the rest. That is 20 hours at sometimes $15.00 an hour. Out of pocket. Sometimes for months.

Many times the ones that live in the big houses cannot afford it. They are straight out trying to maintain all that they have. They cannot help at home to take care of the loved one; they have to work too much to pay for all they have acquired. They are stressed and angry.

But they do have that lovely well-appointed living room that no one ever goes into.

The poor, well, they usually all just pitch in. They are stressed as well, but for different reasons.

The middle of the road folks, the ones that live well but acquired less, they seem to have money in the bank. They saved for that proverbial "rainy day." They are sometimes not working, many having retired at a young age.

They tell me stories of family time and how mom made Sunday dinner for the whole family every single week. How dad took them fishing. There are usually many pictures of family all over the home. The scene is sad, but relaxed.

Now, many of these folks are very successful people. MIT professors, CEO's of companies, people in the finance world, MD's, lawyers. They just decided not to get on that fast track. Not to try to impress everyone.

They decided just to live simply and for themselves.

And they planned out future needs so that they could afford what they needed should disaster strike.

These people never fail to impress me. They are by far the happiest people I meet, even though they are in crisis.

That is not to say that they didn't spend money. They did. They have beautiful art on their walls and pictures in frames of trips taken abroad. Their kids are all well educated. But they kept their lives simple; acquiring less things and spending more money on making memories and living well enough.

"We never tried to keep up with the Joneses," said a lovely 60 year-old patient that I had the honor of caring for recently.

They lived in a very expensive town outside of Boston.

They had a lovely home, but modest compared to all of the McMansions that dotted the neighborhood.

"Most of these new neighbors that built these big homes over the past few years are strangers to us. They are always gone; either working or running around. I never quite understood it. They build these big homes and are never there to enjoy them."

She went on to tell me, "We were always tempted to buy more. But we realized that buying more stuff does not make life happier. As a matter of fact, it makes life harder. Suddenly, you have more to take care of, more to worry about. You spend all of that energy on things. I wanted to spend my energy on people. It made me different, but I didn't care. Having less is the secret to happiness."

She was so right.

I wish I could say that I follow that rule all of the time. I don't. I like stuff. I want things. But I remind myself that things do not make a life. That at the end of the day, when you look back, you think about people and experiences. Never things. I see it all of the time. And I have changed a lot since those "corporate" days.

I see how maintaining things that we thought would make us happy have really turned out to be more of a burden. Costing us time and money and not true enjoyment.

So I do agree with my patient and that colleague from New York state. They are right. Of course they are right. They have always been right.

And that guy from New York? He retired at age 54. I hear he and his wife took a trip around the world.

The other guys I worked with? Still working. Hard. And still stressed, I am sure.

So, I guess it is really true that less is more. That we just need a few things to make us really happy and the other stuff that we do and acquire to impress others only hurts us in the long run. That success cannot be measured by outward appearances.

That experiences, like riding your bike with your kids, trump bragging rights regarding fancy country clubs and camps any day.

It is preoccupation with possessions, more than anything else, that prevents us from living freely and nobly.
~Thoreau

True happiness flows from the possession of wisdom and virtue and not from the possession of external goods.
~ Aristotle (B.C. 384-322)

Anything you cannot relinquish when it has outlived its usefulness possesses you, and in this materialistic age a great many of us are possessed by our possessions.
~Peace Pilgrim (1908 - 1981)

Thousands upon thousands are yearly brought into a state of real poverty by their great anxiety not to be thought of as poor.
~Robert Mallett

Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold.
~Maurice Setter

Tune in.

2010-08-11T05:11:00.000-07:00

We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. ~Epictetus

My mother used to say that to me often as I was growing up.

I don't think I really listened much, however. Many of us don't.

We tend to want to tune out instead. We place ear buds in our ears, look at tiny screens and play games or read the news. We think about what we are going to say next when we are talking to someone face to face. We hardly listen at all.

Oh, sure. We think we listen. We email friends, text them, call them briefly on our cellphone.

But it seems to me that the more ways we have to communicate, the less we really listen. The less we really tune in.

It is interesting, isn't it.

When was the last time you just stopped and listened to the sounds around you? When was the last time time you sat silent as you listened to your child tell you about their day? Or listened to a friend tell you about a hard time they are having without a million things you should be doing instead going through your head?

How many times have you taken the time to really just tune in?

We practice tuning out way too much. We need to start practicing tuning in. We are all missing so much.

I can remember having to sit at my aunt or uncle's home when I was young and being forced to listen to the conversations that they and my parents would have. I thought it was so boring. Of course we had to sit there. It was the polite thing to do and besides, there wasn't much else going on. Three channels on TV, no ipods, no computer, no phones. Except one that had a rotary dial. Boring indeed.

But I learned a lot. About them. About life. I heard their tales of woe and of happiness and I knew them better for having heard them. I was part of the conversation. I knew their laugh. I knew when they were having a bad day just by the tone of their voice. And looking back, it was a very good thing.

Now, when I visit my niece or nephew, they may sit there as well, but they are tuned out. Either listening to their ipod, texting a friend or playing a video game.

I wonder if they will even really know me or my husband.

Or anyone else for that matter.

I visit a lot of homes where there are adult children reminiscing about their childhood. There may be a parent who is dying or a grandparent. The one thing I hear over and over is how they wish they had spent more time with them. How they wish they had taken the time to hear more stories, to have more laughs. To just hang out. They may mention wishing for more "quality time," but I think what they are alluding to is listening time.

Tuning in time.

Sure, we can spend hours with someone. But if we are not tuned into them, really listening, do we ever really know them? Do we really know what they are thinking, how they are feeling, what makes them tick? And how may people are so turned off by not being listened to, that they just simply stop trying. They shut down. They are there in person only.

We are missing so much.

So, practice tuning in. And we have to practice in this day and age with so many distractions constantly beckoning us. Practice by first shutting down the TV, the computer, the cellphone, the blackberry. You can't really "talk" on a computer and texting is not the same as listening, not really. Take out the ear buds. And then sit and just listen. Take in the life around you.

You may be surprised by what you hear.

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
~Author Unknown

Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.
~Doug Larson

“A wise old owl sat on an oak; The more he saw the less he spoke; The less he spoke the more he heard; Why aren't we like that wise old bird?”

Don't Worry. Be Happy.

2010-08-07T06:09:00.000-07:00

Who doesn't remember that Bobby McFerrin song. It was a catchy little tune, wasn't it.

But we all have worries. And sometimes they can be quite overwhelming.

The interesting thing about worrying is that probably 99% of what we worry about never happens, or just doesn't matter. But we waste about 80% of our time thinking about it, talking about it, dreaming about it, and sometimes it really interferes with our lives. All for something that will most likely never happen.

I see a lot of people who don't worry anymore. The worst has happened. All the other worries have slipped away as they now face the worst possible news of their lives.

All of a sudden, worrying about people eating on the sofa becomes rather silly. No more cares about small dents in the car from the parking lot, or how much they weigh, or how the boss will react to whatever piece of nonsense they have always reacted to in the past.

All the petty worries of everyday life melt away. Because they just don't matter anymore.

And the interesting thing is this. They never did.

It is a lesson for everyone. We are all going to die one day. It is a fact. You can worry about it and try to prevent it for as long as possible, but it is still going to be there. Worrying about it will not stop it. And the stress may even hasten it.

Think about that.

So, in the long run, is it really worth wasting the time we do have on ridiculous worries? If we spent half the time thinking about and doing things that make us happy, we would be free of many of the worries of life. Not that legitimate worries don't exist. They do. But they are really only a small part of our lives and many of those things we worry about incessantly are really not the most important ones anyway.

I know someone who won't let anyone eat in his car because he is worried about the mess. I know another who constantly worries about her son's safety, almost to the point of hysteria. And yet another who worries about how the house looks all of the time and doesn't invite people over because she worries she is going to be judged.

Well, guess what. You are going to be judged anyway, worry or not. Your son may not always be safe, worry or not. And that car? It is going to get dirty. Get over it.

I know it sounds simple and even naive. We will always worry about our kids, no matter what. We worry because we do not want anything bad to happen to them. Some worry because they think that if they worry, then it will somehow protect their child. Like people who are superstitious of happiness sometimes think that if they are too happy, then something bad will happen. It is strange, but true.

People who have been through a real life crisis tend to be able to place things into better perspective. The worst has already happened. Their child may be sick. They have been diagnosed with cancer. They have lost their home or their life savings.

But many who have survived a life crisis tend to lose that perspective once the harm has passed. They go back to life and many times return to the petty worries once again.

I don't worry so much anymore. Worry to me is a waste of time. I try to act instead. If I worry about my daughter drowning while she is swimming, I watch her more closely. I get her swimming lessons. I never let her go into water I think is dangerous. I don't worry. I act.

And that is what people need to do.

Worrying that your house is too messy? Clean it. Worrying about your weight? Exercise more. Worrying about your health? Eat better. Exercise. Get to the MD for a check up.

The thing about worries is that it is much easier to sit and worry then to actually do something about it. Doing something is hard work. It is much easier to sit and ruminate about it instead.

So make a list of what is really worrying you. Then next to it, write what you can do to alleviate the worry. And cross off the worries that you have absolutely no control over. Don't waste the time you do have on those things.

Then write down what makes you really happy.

Spend more time doing those things.

Plan out how to get more of that in. Fun things. Happy things. Things that will make happy memories.

Worries will always be there, for sure. We cannot make them go away. But we can balance them with true enjoyment of life.

Worries are infinite. Life is finite.

And that makes the song "Don't worry, be Happy" more than just a catchy tune.

If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I'd have fewer imaginary ones. ~Don Herold

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. ~Leo Buscaglia

If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today. ~E. Joseph Cossman

People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross. ~Author Unknown

For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe. ~Author Unknown

Animals know.

2010-08-02T17:22:00.000-07:00

I go into a lot of homes where there are pets. Lots of dogs, and lots of other pets as well. Many times I am told that the family pet is acting differently. Not eating. Whining. Lying about more. Barking at everyone.

And they cannot figure out why there is this sudden change.

But we see it a lot.

It is because they know.

And it is not just dogs. I have seen cats and birds acting quite weird, too.

They know that death is near. They somehow sense it.

Once, there was a home with three small dogs. I went there often to change the patient's dressing. The dogs always greeted me kindly and I brought them treats. But as the man continued to decline, they were less and less friendly. When he was near death, and I was called by the family to see him, they all stood around the hospital bed, growling at me. They would not let me near him.

They knew. And they were going to protect him until the end.

On another day, I was in the home of an elderly lady with a cat that always hid whenever anyone came to the home. As she became more and more bed bound, the cat could be seen curled up next to her all day and night, barely taking the time to eat. The daughters' told me that the cat was 16 years old and had never, ever laid by the mom, not even once that they could recall. Now, when they tried to remove the cat from the bed, she hissed at them.

Four days later, the mom died. The cat would not leave her side even as the funeral home came to retrieve her body.

Animals are funny. We think that they do not have emotions, or know too much. But they sense a lot more than we could ever imagine.

And they bring great comfort to many.

We have a volunteer who brings his mixed breed lab to the hospice house to visit the patients every weekend. The patients love it. The dog, Bruce, seems to linger longer with certain patients, the ones that are closer to death. It surprises us each time. At first we thought it was just a coincidence, but it has happened too many times for it to be explained away so simply. He is always right on the money.

He just knows.

I love animals. We have several pets and they add so much to our lives. I cannot even describe it. And I know they can sense it when any one of us is down or sick or even angry. They hang out more. They seek our attention more. They provide great comfort by simply being there. They know that we need them. And we do.

I guess what got me thinking about this today was a patient I went to see lately. She was a youngish mom with a cat. The cat would sit outside the house in front of the front door. When I came, she would follow me in and watch me from the bedroom doorway for a while, then she would run away. The patient told me that the cat was a stray that they took in about two years ago, who never warmed up to anyone except her. The cat spent most of the time outdoors chasing God knows what. The patient said she fed her every day and tried to pet her, but she wouldn't really allow them to touch her too much. The mom was really the only family member who paid attention to that cat. She called her Bella.

As the patient became more frail, the cat started sleeping in the house, near the bedroom door. She would still go outside, but only for short periods of time now, the family reported to me.

Finally, the patient, a very loving mom of 4 kids, fell into a comatose state. When I went to see her, the cat was now on the bed, curled up next to her.

Purring.

She didn't stir as I examined the patient. The husband tried to take her off the bed, but she would just jump right back on.

After the patient died, the cat disappeared. The husband said she ran out after the funeral home came and never returned. They have left food outside each day. And each day it is left uneaten. They don't understand why the cat would do that. But it seems obvious to me.

Pets love us for the love we give them. Sometimes, they love us despite the bad or indifferent way that they are treated. But they really only know love. And they seek love. And they are very loving right to the very end.

And they do mourn the loss.

They just simply know.

It often happens that a man is more humanely related to a cat or dog than to any human being.
~Henry David Thoreau

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot little puppies.
~Gene Hill

A dog can express more with his tail in seconds than his owner can express with his tongue in hours.
~Author Unknown

There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.
~Albert Schweitzer

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
~George Sand

The difference between friends and pets is that friends we allow into our company, pets we allow into our solitude.
~Robert Brault

Be sure to check out your local animal shelter for a pet companion. These places are full of wonderful animals who need a loving home.

Reality is at times an illusion.

2010-07-26T11:29:00.000-07:00

From Wikipedia:
Reality is the state of things as they actually exist, rather than as they may appear or may be thought to be....

I hate the word 'reality'.

Reality does not seem to always exist. Reality TV, for example, is simply not real at all. Even the news is edited, not really real either. And all the shows about Hollywood and the magazines like People that we devour? Also fake. Always either trying to put a good person in a bad light, or the other way around. Entertaining, but certainly not reality.

Spin, spin, spin.

And don't even get me started on politics. Or politicians.

So, where do we find reality?

Is what we see and hear real? Can we trust what we see and hear?

The only thing that I see that is certainly real is death. And after the death has occurred, we still change what we have seen and tell stories of a death from our own perspective.

And I guess that is what reality really is. A view from our own perspective. Just our own reality. No one elses.

But we do rely on other's perspectives. And that sometimes is a problem.

Because it is simply not always real. And many times an illusion.

I guess what got me started on all of this was meeting Priscilla Presley this past weekend. She is someone we have all heard of and seen on TV and in movies. Many times, she has been made fun of. Especially lately, with garish pictures in magazines showing her in an unflattering way. Looking rather plastic and unreal somehow.

But when I saw her and saw how she really looked (tiny, petite, her face pretty, not as bad as the magazines lead us to believe and much, much younger than her age of 65) and how she acted (like a really nice person, shy and polite), I suddenly realized we had been misled. They sold us an illusion. And a bad one at that.

Here was a real person who has thoughts and feelings just like we do. Sure, she is famous and rich and lived under the shadow of a name bigger than life. But she was just as friendly as anyone I have ever known and she treated everyone as though she was thrilled to meet them. And it was not an act. I can spot a phony a mile away.

There was a man in front of me, waiting in line to meet her, who lived in Kentucky and who had been, and still was, a huge Elvis fan. He had with him a signed postcard from an Elvis concert he attended in 1971 that was signed by Elvis and a few members of his band. He told us he had waited all these years to finally meet Priscilla and have her sign it as well. He hoped she would, but understood if she could only sign the model horse that the organizers told us was the only thing she would sign and not to ask for anything else. He was so sincere and such a nice guy. He said he would simply ask her and if she said no he would not press the issue. We all hoped she would sign it.

Finally, when it was his turn to meet Priscilla, he showed her the postcard. She was stunned and happy to to see it. She ogled and awed and talked to him about his memories of that concert. Then, she asked for a special pen and signed away. All the people waiting, and there were quite a few, stood and applauded. I am sure that Priscilla wondered about that. But we were all so thrilled for him. And we all told her thanks as we went up to her. Thanks for being so kind to this man. And we meant it.

And we all realized, too, that she was very real. Not a joke as they portray her to be on TV and in the rags.

She was an illusion that turned to reality, not the other way around.

It was a good lesson. It made me stop to think about how I perceive things and to know that my mom was right when she would say to me, "Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see."

So we should all be cautious when we hear something about someone we don't know. We should not judge. We should remember that others are trying very hard to make us see things from their perspective, from their reality. And most times, it is only an illusion. Made up for some gain.

I am not sure what there is to gain by making someone else look bad. Perhaps it is to sell magazines or newspapers or whatever. Or to try to make themselves look better by putting others down.

But it is quite mean and I have to wonder what we have become as people who clamor for this misinformation, and view it as entertainment.

You know, we really have such a short time here on this planet. That is certainly a reality. And it is a real shame to waste it in this way.

I would much prefer to spend it the way Priscilla does; being real to ourselves regardless of what other's say.

And taking the time to make people happy.

The image is one thing and the human being is another...It's very hard to live up to an image, put it that way.
~~~Elvis Presley

When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
~~~Abraham Joshua Heschel

Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something.
~~~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Make it a practice to judge persons and things in the most favorable light at all times and under all circumstances.
~~~Saint Vincent de Paul

People can make us crazy.

2010-07-20T08:28:00.000-07:00

I like people. I really do.

But some people just drive me crazy.

I don't understand them. It is like they enjoy making other people miserable.

Perhaps it is because they are miserable themselves.

I don't know. But they sure do make life hard sometimes.

There are a lot of very unhappy people out there. I see them in stores, on the road, at work. Everywhere. Not that I don't have my own moments, I do. But some people make a point of aiming their unhappiness right at you.

People see right through people at times. I cannot tell you how many times I have witnessed someone at a check-out line in a store who doesn't acknowledge the person who is waiting on them. They don't make eye contact; they don't say thank you. They roughly grab their bag. And the cashier moves on to the next person who does the very same thing. I can imagine that it gets to be a drag after a while, being seen as a non-person. So when the cashier is less than polite to me, I try to remember that and try to treat them kindly. Usually I get kindness in return. Not always.

I think sometimes we are a society that feels hard done by. So we project outward our miserable feelings to others. Like 'why should I be nice, no one is nice to me'.

And those are the people who drive me crazy.

I even see it at work. You would think that hospice nurses are nice all of the time. Not true. Some are burned out, and for good reason. They are generally nice to the patients, as it should be. But they are not always nice to each other. And some of the administrators? I think they get enjoyment out of picking on every little thing we do wrong.

It is daunting at times.

I always have said that I like to work. I enjoy my work. It is the people I have to work for that make it hard.

Oh, well. Such is life.

The other thing that makes me crazy about people is how they complain all of the time. I mean, ALL of the time. About stupid things that are really meaningless. It is like they enjoy complaining, or talking about other's faults.

I wish I could show them what real problems are.

But I guess that is life. It cannot be avoided.

I personally like to surprise people. When my boss, who is a nice enough lady, but a real nudge, gives me a hard time, I look at her and apologize. Even when I know I did nothing wrong. It takes the wind out of her sails and she usually ends up apologizing to me for picking apart something that never even needed to be talked about in the first place. Like my charting. Or some boo-boo I made on my payroll input. She could drive me crazy if I allowed her to. But I don't. I choose to take away that power from her.

And I guess that is how I handle all the crazy people I come into contact with each and every day. I take away their power by not letting them get to me. Or by responding with kindness. Or by ignoring the ignorant driver who won't let me cut in by just imagining that they perhaps have to rush to the side of a sick child. That allows me to let them off the hook. It changes my perspective on things. It protects my own sanity.

Protecting our own sanity from the craziness of others is what we should be doing every single day. We spend way too much time wondering why people do what they do. We should instead be spending more time asking ourselves why we are doing it; why we are worrying about it, thinking about it, obsessing about it. Why we are letting it bother us so much.

We should let that go, because we will never really know, try as we may. And then we should look for ways to protect ourselves.

I love being around happy people. I love it when people acknowledge my presence. So I try to do that for others.

It doesn't always work. But it makes me feel better.

And really, that is the best we can hope for.

Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy. ~Cynthia Nelms

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~Dalai Lama

If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have a paradise in a few years. ~Bertrand Russell

Safety first.

2010-07-18T16:33:00.000-07:00

“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.”
~~~George Eliot

Sometimes, someone will ask me what attracted me to my husband. How I knew that he was the one.

My honest answer would be that he made me feel safe.

Feeling safe is something we don't think about a lot. But it is there. It is the thing that guides our lives much more than we know.

In hospice, most patients wish to die at home. Why? Because they feel safe there. And if they don't feel safe at home, they will express a wish to die at our hospice house or in the hospital.

Kids feel safe when they see mom or dad. Teens seek safety in numbers. There are safety precautions on every form of travel, in every pool we swim in, in every lake with lifeguards.

Safety is important. Feeling safe is important.

I think that many people do not feel safe. They are out there in this big old world and feel unprotected. They are afraid. They seek refuge in alcohol or maybe drugs to get rid of the feeling. That feeling of being alone, even in a roomful of people. It is sad.

I sat this weekend with a mom of 4 who was dying from breast cancer that she had been fighting for over a decade. Some of her kids only knew her as a mommy who was sick. But they all turned out great. Have great lives. Have gone to wonderful schools and graduated at the top of their class. And why?

Because she made them feel safe. Always. Even until the very end.

When you feel safe, you try more things. You feel as though you can do more because you have this safety net below you that will catch you when you fall. It is a wonderful thing to know that you will be loved if you fail, that you will be cared for no matter what. That no one will be disappointed in you for trying to do your very best.

But sometimes that safety net fails, and you will not trust it again. No matter who is holding it.

It is the kind of blunder that can ruin lives. Quite literally.

We all know someone like that.

Feeling safe doesn't mean that life will be fair, that people won't let you down, that you won't feel bad at times. Of course you will.

But having just that one sure thing in your life can make all of that seem less important somehow. You feel more centered and more confident. You get knocked down but there is always that helping hand to get you back on your feet.

I wish everyone had someone in their lives that made them feel totally safe.

The world would be a much kinder place.

The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.
~~~Maya Angelou

How much information do we really need to know.

2010-07-14T11:28:00.000-07:00

I wish some days I could just live in a bubble. A bubble that only allowed a small amount of reality to seep in each day. A bubble where bad things did not happen constantly, and where days seemed long and peaceful and not so rushed.

I am sure we all feel that way at times.

I feel like I used to live in that bubble. When I was young. When we did not have so much information in front of us all of the time.

I know, I sound old. Just like my parents sounded to me.

We live in an information world. We can know anything we want to know almost instantly. But we also hear about things we really don't need to know, also instantly. And constantly. Over and over and over again.

Sometimes it feels like a drug. Something that we feel we need. Something we can escape into.

And I don't think that is always such a good thing.

We hear about bad things. A lot. Things that stress us out everywhere we look. Sometimes it feels like there is no escaping it.

24 hour news programs on TV. Talk radio in the car. The Internet on our phone, in our laps, in restaurants and coffee shops. No escape. Not really.

And most of it is just simply junk news. I don't really care about a lot of it. Nor do I need to know most of it.

And how many times do I need to hear about the weather? Last time I checked, I could just simply walk outside and see for myself.

Our kids are getting too much information as well. Many times before they can even really comprehend it. And I think it adds too much unneeded stress to their lives. And I think; no, I know, that stress is quite dangerous to our health.

Many people talk about eating right and exercising. But I hear very little about tuning out. About getting away from all the information garbage that we are exposed to each and every day, for hours on end.

Sometimes we go up to our secluded house in New Hampshire. I love it up there. No Internet. No TV really, except to watch a movie. No cellphone reception. We rarely get any news up there at all. And we don't miss it.

I feel great up there; no pressure, lazy days even when there is work to be done. We talk more, we interact more. One night it was so quiet, I had trouble sleeping because I kept hearing my own heart beating.

And then we return home. We rush to the computer to see what we have missed. We turn on the TV, check the cellphones for messages. We want to be sure we have not missed anything.

And, of course, we haven't.

And background noise once again fills our lives.

We tune into what we really don't need to know and tune out what is most important. Namely, each other. And ourselves.

Not good. Not good at all.

So I think we should try to unplug occasionally. To live in the little bubble of our own lives. To tune out the unnecessary noise.

I think it is a very healthy thing to do. Part of a healthy lifestyle. Just like eating right, exercising and brushing our teeth.

We need to make it a daily habit.

“Information is not knowledge.” ~~~Albert Einstein

“I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.” ~~~Erma Bombeck

“The life of inner peace, being harmonious and without stress, is the easiest type of existence.”
~~~Norman Vincent Peale

Looks can be deceiving.

2010-07-10T08:02:00.000-07:00

I know a man, not well, but well enough, who might scare you if you saw him on a dark street corner. He is large and imposing, wears his hair in a pony-tail and has a beard. He is also a biker. Yet he is the kindest, gentlest man I have met by far. And he is a loving dad and husband. Also quite smart and well read. Interesting to talk to.

I know another man, the husband of a friend, who looks just about GQ perfect. Always impeccably dressed, well groomed with short hair. He works out, is tall and lean and has a wonderful job where he makes loads of money.

Yet he has an edge, is mean to his kids, is boastful and I cannot stand to be around him. He actually frightens me.

Another man I know I met in New Hampshire at a small town, local get-together. He looked like he had just been busy working on his carburetor; dirty hands and fingernails, stained work shirt, messy pants, work boots. A bit disheveled. He walked over to the piano at the Town Hall where we were gathered for a ham and bean supper. He started touching the keys, very gingerly at first, almost timid. My husband remarked that he was perhaps intrigued by the piano.

Well, he then sat down at the piano bench and started to play one of the most beautiful Mozart pieces I had ever heard. I was stunned. But the locals weren't; they had hired him to play.

I wish I could say that I never judge a book by its cover. But then I would be lying.

First impressions are made in mere seconds after we meet someone and we judge by what we see. And even words do not tell the whole story, as some folks are very good actors. Many worthy of an Academy award.

I meet so many people that I would never ever meet if I were not in the healthcare field. And I get not only to meet them, but I often get to meet their extended family and get invited into their homes, into their lives.

I drive up to many beautiful, large homes. Some are stunningly beautiful. And I think, wow. But inside tells a different story. Not always so pleasant.

Other times I drive to an address where I am almost afraid to walk down the block. And I think, uh-oh. But there I find a warm, welcoming family who love each other dearly.

It is so interesting to meet so many different people. To learn about their lives, to see past the facade. I learn so much. I am much more slow to judge now.

One time I was in the home of an older man who was actively dying. They lived in basic squalor, but they were a loving family. I was about to leave when suddenly a man appeared in the doorway, blocking my exit. He was big and bald and had an assortment of, lets just say, 'interesting' tattoos, that covered both arms, and I am sure, beyond. He was not smiling and looked at me in a way that caused my stomach to jolt, just a bit.

"What is going on with my dad?" he bellowed.

I stood there for a moment to compose myself. The rest of the family; mom, sister and cousin, stood behind me, eerily silent.

"Well," I said. "Why don't we sit down and talk about it."

We did. We sat down in the living room, with him right next to me on the couch, and I told him all about his dad and the dying process. He yelled at me a bit, vented for a while. The rest of the family sat with us, but remained silent.

Then he finally stopped yelling, looked at me in an odd way, reached over toward me, and started to cry.

Actually, he wailed.

"He is my best friend," he said, tears running down his face. "I love him so much. I hate the thought of losing him. He was always the best dad. He always had time for me and we liked to go fishing in the summer. What will I do now?"

The whole family, relieved that he did not cause a huge scene, huddled around him. They all hugged. We went in to see the dad. The son laid down in the bed beside his comatose dad and said, "Dad, I am really going to miss you."

I will admit, I was a bit scared. Apparently, he had been estranged from the family due to "anger issues." I spent some more time talking to him. He told me stories about some friends he had who were in jail, but that he never got into trouble with the law because, "I would never disappoint my dad like that."

So, I learned a great lesson that day; that looks can be quite deceiving. That life itself deceives us, and that we sometimes have to dig for the real truth about people and circumstances.

I will say also that I have little tolerance for people who make rude comments about others that they do not even know, simply based on what they see and perceive.

Good people on the inside are the ones that are the true salt of the earth. Looks matter little, it is really what is inside that counts. Money and power should mean much less than they do.

It always amazes me how much we all have in common. We all grieve. We all feel loss. We all get sad and frightened.

We all have moments of great joy and happiness, too.

We are all just simply human on the inside.

Too bad we lose sight of that so often.

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”
~~Paulo Coelho

“Judge a tree from its fruit, not from its leaves”
~~Euripides

"When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself."
~~Wayne Dyer

In search of perfection.

2010-07-09T07:37:00.000-07:00

A patient's family member and I were talking the other day and she asked me an odd question.

"What would you say is an example of the perfect death?"

I hesitated. She looked at me as I sat there in her well-appointed dining room. She waited. But I couldn't respond.

I was too busy searching for the perfect answer.

But there was none.

I hate the word perfect. I do not think that it even exists. But many strive for it none the less.

I used to get caught up in a bit of perfection seeking myself. I can remember when my daughter first started at her parochial school. She had a lovely uniform with pleats. Do you know that I spent hours ironing those uniforms, making sure the pleats were "just perfect."

What a waste of time. And did it make any difference? No. Absolutely not.

After that fit of insanity, I finally came to my senses. I now have even been known to pull them directly out of the dirty laundry hamper, fluff them in the dryer, and off to school she goes. No fuss. No muss. And guess what? The world didn't end. Things were just the same as when I painstakingly tried to make them perfect.

I am not sure what caused me to try to create that bit of perfection. It could be that I saw her going off to school in a perfect way as a sort of protection against the unknown. I may have felt that I had some control. And perhaps that is what drives us to seek perfection in the first place. Control.

But we really have none.

And who defines what perfect is anyway? Many times I will hear someone say, "What a perfect day," meaning; a beautiful, warm and sunny day. But to the person standing next to them, a perfect day may be a cloudy one, with a hint of rain in the air. To yet another, a snow day that stops the world.

Everyone seeks perfection at times, I know. We want the perfect party for our kids, the perfect wedding, the perfect vacation. But I often think that when we wish for that or search for that, we only set ourselves up to be disappointed. Because nothing is ever perfect in our eyes, even when it may appear so to others.

I myself, have given up on perfection. Since I became a hospice nurse, it really changed my viewpoint. Life is way too short to be worried about something we have no control over. To make ourselves that crazy and miserable over details that really do not matter is simply not worth it.

Now, I am in the "good enough" category. As long as I feel it is good enough, I am happy. And I no longer admire those who seek perfection. In their quest to control everything, they make too many miserable along the way.

When I was younger, I found a poem that I loved and have kept for decades that talked about perfection. I am not sure where I found it or who even wrote it, but here it is:

Friend, don't be a perfectionist. Perfectionism is a curse and a strain, for you tremble lest you miss the bull's eye.

You are perfect if you just let be.

Friend, don't be afraid of mistakes. Mistakes are not sins. Mistakes are a way of doing something different, perhaps creatively new.

Friend, don't be sorry for your mistakes. Be proud of them. You had the courage to give something of yourself.

It takes years to be centered. It takes more years to understand and be now.

Until then, beware of both extremes; perfectionism, as well as instant cure, instant joy and instant sensory awareness.

Remember this;
I am blessed with life.
I am blessed with a full and useful life.
I am alive.
I am.

And that person who asked me about the perfect death? I told her that each death is unique and perfect in its own way. It wasn't the perfect answer, but I felt that it was true.

The little voice inside our head.

2010-07-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

No, I am not talking about God, crazy people, our conscious or our parents. (Although our parent's voices seem to eerily creep into our heads frequently)

What I am talking about is that little voice inside our head that tells us that others may be talking about us. Judging us. Gossiping.

Wouldn't we all like to be a fly on the wall at times? To hear what other's say about us behind our backs?

And wouldn't they be shocked to hear what we have to say. Even about those closest to us.

We all do it. Most times it is not meant to be malicious. Many times it seems to me that we are all trying to judge our own opinions with what other's think. So we talk about things and people to get other's reactions. To see if we are all on the same page. If we have common ground.

But is that a good place to be? A good way to connect? I am not sure.

Sometimes it gets mean. And hurtful. Of course it is not meant to be heard by the person being talked about. Most people would be mortified to know that the target overhead the conversation.

And that leads me to wonder why then. Why people do it in the first place.

I know, I ask myself that very same question. And I am not always sure that I know the answer. However, I am constantly telling my daughter, who is 11, not to talk about people behind their backs.

Her response? "Mom, everyone does it."

And indeed she is right.

They do.

I have not met one person in my lifetime, including myself, who has not talked about another person in a thoughtless way at least once. Except my Grandmother, but she was in her 90's when I finally paid attention to what she was saying. And when I tuned in, it was always nice talk about things or flowers or poetry or art. She seemed to find good in everything and everyone. Maybe age does bring wisdom. Or maybe she had her fill of it all and decided that it was not worth it anymore.

Who knows, really.

When my dad was alive and in his late 70's, early 80's, after my mom passed away, he went to live in an Adult Community, an Assisted Living Center. It was anything but adult. The gossip. The nonsense. Everyone was kind of mean. It was like 7th grade all over again.

I see it still when I go to visit patients there. I just don't get it.

Even my dad jumped in. He would tell me stories about other residents. He would say that everyone was "old" or even "ugly". He talked about the staff as well. Perhaps he was bored, or angry at life. But it was quite disturbing to me.

He was the one that would always reprimand me when he overheard me talking about others. That was back when I would have those marathon conversations on the phone in my teens. He would tell me that it wasn't nice. To stop it. That it was a really bad thing to do.

When I complained and cried about other's talking about me, my mom would say, "Well, if they are talking about you then they are leaving someone else alone." I hated that advice. I would have preferred to have been the one left alone.

And I still do.

I am not sure why we have this little voice in our head that makes us a wee bit paranoid about what others are thinking. Or saying. And why sometimes thoughts that should clearly remain in our heads without a voice, come out of our mouths too loudly. Sometimes with much regret.

Do we really have to say that someone has gained weight? Or looks bad. Or seems different. Or bought something new yet again. Why state the obvious? Why are we always judging? Do we need to say these things to feel better about ourselves?

Why can't we just be happy for people? If they have a good life and seem content, why do they become fodder for gossip? Why tear them down? Jealousy? Anger?

And if they do have a bad run of luck or a fall from grace, where is our compassion?

I am not sure.

I do know that I try not to talk about people unless I can find something good to say. But I am not very good at always following that rule, try as I may.

And I always feel terrible afterwards. It is just not worth it. It makes me feel very bad about myself, never better.

So I guess that I have to come to terms with the fact that people will and do talk about me behind my back. And that I will talk about them as well.

And that little voice inside of my head that tells me not to worry about it? I ignore it. I still worry. And I know many others do as well.

I am not sure that I have any answers to this. I do know that some say to just 'toughen up'. But I am not sure that we can ever really do that. Many people just put on a fake bravado. Tough on the outside, weeping on the inside.

The only thing that I do know for sure is how it makes me feel. And it makes me feel bad. And sad. It does not make me angry, unless the gossip is directed at my daughter or my husband. Then the claws come out a bit.

And what I usually do is just retreat. Get away from people for a while. Heal my wounds a bit. Surround myself with my loved ones who accept me regardless of my faults or my weight or whatever.

I guess that is the best that we can do.

__________________________________________________

What is told in the ear of a man is often heard 100 miles away. ~Chinese Proverb

“If A equals success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y and Z, with X being work, Y play, and Z keeping your mouth shut.” ~Albert Einstein

“A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself” ~Lisa Kirk

The biggest liar in the world is They Say. ~Douglas Malloch

Can we ever be who we really are?

2010-06-30T04:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, it was all over the local news that a priest from the parish attached to my daughter's school had done something to someone that he shouldn't have. It wasn't a child that he touched, but a male adult. Yet a scandal none the less.

I thought about him, this priest. It was obvious to me that he was gay. It was also obvious to me that he loved being a priest, he loved gardening as evidenced by the beautiful garden at the church, he loved music. He was allowed to love those things. What he could not do was love who he wanted to love. Be who he was.

And that lead to disaster.

Then I thought about a lot of my hospice patients. How at life's end, all that pretense starts to slip away, and for the first time they become who they really are. Or they stay hidden, only revealing secrets to strangers about regrets over a life not fully lived.

It saddens me to know that we have to hide behind masks many times to fit into what "society" expects from us. Not just our sexuality, but other things as well. Many men see a role that they must play and forgo many things that may have interested them because, well, they just were not manly things. Women, too. We get stuck in roles that force us to become caretakers for so many and we leave behind some of our dreams, many of our own desires.

Perhaps that is why people have a mid-life crisis. Their kids are grown up and they finally realize that they are not living their own true life, not being their own true self. That their life was a lie, built on a set of expectations that never did belong to them. That time is finally running out.

I see it in kids as well. Many kids are lead down paths that their parents choose for them, never realizing the promptings of their own heart. And many kids will grow up trying to appease that parent, sometimes with disasterous results.

I have a saying that hangs, in of all places, the half bathroom on the first floor. In it, she, my favorite author Carol Shields says, " Just let go. Just be."

But can we simply let go and just allow others to be? Do we have to sit as judge and jury all of the time? Can we ever allow ourselves to "just be." I am not sure.

I will say that that priest should not have touched that man. It was wrong. But by not allowing him to be who he really was probably led him to that desperate act. It is a shame, really. Desires can and should be held back when people are adults. Teachers, priests, policemen, any adult really should be able to contain themselves, I know. But this is not what I am talking about.

I am talking about just being allowed to be who we really are. The honest self. I am not talking about the deranged or the mentally ill or the criminal mind. I am talking about the majority, the "normal folks" who have just been pushed down for too long. Maybe forever.

I am sure that many would be shocked to learn what people are really all about behind closed doors, behind that pretty facade and all of those smiling faces posted on Facebook of the happy family that is nothing short of miserable. That pretty house that holds many memories, but also great tragedy. The wedding pictures that look beautiful, but hide the true story.

I think you have to be quite brave to show the world the real you. It is easier to just plod along keeping your head down and going through the motions. Easier, but not fulfilling.

I am not sure what the answer is. I just know that I see a lot of pain and suffering that just does not have to be. Anti-depressants still the the number one prescribed medication. Cardiac disease the number one killer. Sad and heartbroken are many. But you will never know it. They hide behind their mask. Our masks. Many go from doctor to doctor with somatic complaints that haunt them. "What is wrong with me?" they ask. But the answer isn't a pill, or exercising or supplements. It is discovering who they really want to be, what they truly love, how they truly want to live. But it is much easier to take a pill. Changing a life seems too daunting.

It is hard work to let go. To just be.

Anyway, I feel bad about the priest. There won't be a good ending to this story. His true self has come out and it can never be contained again. Is that such a bad thing? I don't know. Perhaps he can leave the priesthood and find himself. One can only hope it leads to good, not bad.

So here is Carol Shield's full quote. I hope you like it. It is my favorite. But if you don't, that is okay too.

Go for long walks,
Indulge in hot baths.
Question your assumptions,
Be kind to yourself,
Live for the moment,
Loosen up, scream,
Curse the world,
Count your blessings,
Just let go, Just be.

The Power of One.

2010-06-24T16:22:00.000-07:00

At my daughter's school, they have a program called "The power of one." It is a program designed to show the kids what one person can do to make the world a better place. It is a good program and I really like it.

I was thinking about the power of one today as I was driving to work. But not in a good way. I was thinking about how one off-handed comment or one short remark can have the power to make our day miserable. Or how one small gesture can make our day great.

Think about that.

Say you are driving to work and in a hurry and someone cuts you off and perhaps gives you the finger. How does that make you feel? Certainly not good. It may have only lasted for less than a moment of your day, yet it has the power to cloud the other 23.99 hours. Amazing. What power! And you will most likely never encounter this person again the rest of your life.

Emotions are powerful. One gesture, one comment, one look can send us reeling. It really is the power of one.

But on the flip side, a kind gesture from a stranger can brighten our day. Good things can come from that power as well.

Think about how much time you dwell on things that happened in a moment past. Much of it is not even really about us. Someone else was having a bad day and we just got caught in the crossfire.

I have met people who are still not talking to a friend or relative because of a moment like that. A moment of nonsense and then a decade of divide. Most cannot even remember the incident. They just know that it caused a fission that has never mended. One moment. What power.

I think about moments a lot. Since I deal with the dying, I realize that anything I say or do at that time in someones's life will be remembered by the family, perhaps forever. That one moment has so much potential for either disaster or for comfort. It is daunting to even think about at times. I tread lightly. I speak thoughtfully. I am careful. I am never flippant.

But even I can make mistakes. And I have. And so have you.

We are only human. We all have bad days. It happens. We think, well, it was just a moment. It will pass. They will never remember. They will get over it.

Maybe so. But many times, maybe not.

I am always astonished at what adult children tell me about their parents. The small moments when something was said that stayed with that child forever. An innocent comment that had a long lasting effect. I usually think, "Uh-oh, what have I said lately to my own daughter."

Innocent jokes at the expense of others also have a lot of power. We may think they are funny, and the person to whom it was directed to may have laughed initially. But after it was over, they may have thought more about the cruelness of the joke. And that small moment may have caused more harm than anyone ever intended.

I know, some will say, people should just toughen up.

But most of us are not very tough at all. We may get hard, but that is different from being tough. Most of us are hurt by these things. It affects us. Even when we know that the person did not really mean it.

So, think about the power of one. That one comment, that one gesture, that one look. Think about how it can make or break someone's day. Perhaps even someone's life.

If you want to do good, use that power to do so. Hold open a door for a stranger. Tell someone standing in line that they look like they are in a hurry and let them cut in front of you. Send a lovely card that says, "I am thinking of you" to a friend or relative that you have not seen in a long time. Tell a co-worker how much you like working with them. Tell your kid that you think they are really neat and that you are so lucky to be their parent. Tell your spouse he looks handsome in that shirt. Let a stranger know that you love their outfit or their hairstyle. Tell a parent at the playground that their child seems like a really happy, nice kid. Pet someone's dog (after asking if it is okay) and say, "Wow, nice dog." Smile at people. Acknowledge them.

And then watch the smile creep over their face. Watch them look amazed that they were given a random compliment. Know that it will make them feel good about themselves most of the day, even though they may appear skeptical at first.

Think about how much power you have.

The power of one.

“Handle them carefully, for words have more power than atom bombs.”
~~~Pearl Strachan Hurd

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless."
~~~Mother Teresa

“A bad word whispered will echo a hundred miles”
~~~Chinese Proverbs

A very bad day, a very bad death.

2010-06-22T20:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a very bad day. A patient had a terrible death. I was angry. I wrote about it. But I just could not post it. It was too personal. I just couldn't share it.

This man who died, I did not know him well at all. He was not much older than me. He had a lovely family. The cruelty of his disease and his untimely death got to me. I still despair.

The man that died bled out from his disease. If you do not know what that means, you are lucky. It is one of the very worst ways to die. And we will just leave it at that.

I thought I would be really sad. But what I mostly am is angry. The clinic that he attended for his disease should have tried to prevent a death like this. Everyone is too focused on a cure that will never be. But death was certain and they blew it.

I am not sure his brother will ever get over the trauma of his death. The patient was outside, where he loved to be, when he started bleeding. We had no meds because the clinic would not refer him to hospice soon enough, even though I talked to them and told them I thought he may die soon. Instead, they called me urgently just two hours before his death to get there to help. His brother lifted him into the house. It was a messy scene. Very intense.

"He has more time" the clinic had said to me just one day earlier.

He did not. Time ran out.

Ultimately, by the grace of God, we were able to get him comfortable, to allow his sister and brother to see him peaceful for a time before he took his last breath. The journey there was the hard part. And it didn't have to be.
_________________________________________________

There is no good ending here. But it is a reminder that life is short and fragile at times. That the experts are many times wrong. That some things do not end well.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
~~~~Dylan Thomas

Create a Memory Day On Father's Day.

2010-06-19T08:26:00.000-07:00

Here is a scene I witness frequently; a family sitting around the house looking through piles of old pictures, post cards, travel information, trinkets. They are simultaneously crying and laughing. Silent and boisterous.

They are sorting through memories.

The only problem is, they aren't sure what all the memories are about. They really wish dad could sit here and tell them.

The only problem with that is, that right now, Dad is lying in the bedroom, comatose and near death. Everyone has gathered. They pull out pics hoping to find a few good ones to display at the funeral.

Now, if only dad were here to enjoy it. I would bet he would have had so many wonderful stories to tell.

So today, in honor of fathers, brothers, uncles, cousins or whomever, I encourage you to get out that box while they are still very much alive. Go through the memories now. Ask questions. Take notes. Understand what made dad, well, dad.

Start sorting through memories with your own kids, even if they are young. Start a tradition of story telling on Father's Day.

Or start some new memories.

You do not need an elaborate scrapbook for memory making. You can simply use a piece of paper and a pen.

After all, when it is all said and done, we really do only have our memories.

Don't wait. Take the time to do it now. Time has a way of getting away from us. There may not be tomorrow or 'later'. Don't "eventually" get to it. Do it now.

Celebrate life while everyone is living.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Years

We do not remember days; we remember moments. ~Cesare Pavese, The Burning Brand

Memory... is the diary that we all carry about with us. ~Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.
~Thomas Campbell, Hallowed Ground

Small losses fill buckets.

2010-06-19T04:39:00.000-07:00

I see a whole lot of very big losses in my job. Losing someone you love and have known your whole life tears a huge hole in your world. You grieve. And the world lets you grieve. You are expected to grieve.

But not so much for the little losses that happen to all of us all of the time. We can't grieve for those things. We won't allow ourselves to grieve for those things. We think that those things are just not important enough. We say things like, "Oh, well." We move on.

But do we?

Little losses certainly add up. And they can make you feel awful. Or at the end of your rope.

What do I mean by little losses?

Let's start with aging. Our own age and our parents and our children. Watching a parent we love grow old and frail is heart breaking. But we expect it somehow. People get old, right? Well, it is still a huge change. We often go from the one being cared for to the caregiver. And that is huge.

It can be a major loss for us. But we don't allow ourselves to grieve. We just move on, maybe make some jokes about aging, keep our true feelings at bay.

Empty nest syndrome? Well, it is a loss as well. We should grieve. I know everyone says we should be happy, we will have more time now, more freedom. That it is a good thing.

But it doesn't always feel good. It is another loss.

As is our own aging. Every decade we move further away from who we used to be. Maybe toward something better, some might say. But youth was fun. I know I miss it, even though I am still, by some, considered fairly young. But I know I am not. Not really. Can I grieve for this loss? No. That seems wrong somehow.

Losing possessions shouldn't make us sad, right? I mean, they are only things, right? Perhaps, but I know many people who still talk about something that meant a great deal to them that they lost. They don't exactly "grieve" for the item, but they come close enough.

A pet. Our hair. A family home sold. Our health. All things that happen during the normal course of our lives.

But they are losses. Lost along the way. Terribly missed by us. But not always mourned. Not always recognized for what they are.

Sometimes we have a lot of losses all at once. Our kids grow up, a parent gets sick, we may lose a job, a marriage fails, we may be diagnosed with a chronic medical condition like hypertension. Suddenly, it becomes overwhelming. Some seek out medical help in the form of prescriptions. Medications to help you sleep, to get you through the day. But how about just allowing yourself to grieve once in awhile. How many do that?

Society doesn't want us to grieve. Even death only allows a few short days of grief, then the world expects us to dust off our boots and jump back into the game, always moving forward.

I think that may be why Prozac and its cousins are the most prescribed drugs on the planet. And why heart disease kills more of us than any cancer.

We are sad and heartbroken. We just don't always recognize it. We are not encouraged to recognize it. We are just encouraged to move on.

I know, we can't go around morose all of the time. And I wouldn't want to. But when I am starting to feel bogged down, I allow myself to think about all that I have lost; my parents, pets, my daughter's dependence on me, changes in my body that I don't particularly like but that come with aging. I have lost some friendships along the way, perhaps due to my own indifference. I lost a favorite item recently. I have lost a work colleague that I enjoyed working with. All these things can add up to what we may simply call a bad day, a cloudy mood. But what they are are losses that have affected our world. I shouldn't take them so lightly. I should allow myself to grieve for them.

Even small losses, like the end of a TV series that we loved or something silly like that can make us feel unsettled for a time. When you have a rhythm in your life that is disrupted, it is still a change that affects you. You just have to recognize it, feel the loss, and move on.

But moving on without feeling the loss, without grieving it, can hurt us.

My mom always said, "Small drops fill buckets". And she was certainly right. Small, sometimes unrecognizable losses can add up and make us feel really bad. So, take the time to recognize the small losses you encounter before they add up and become overwhelming.

Before your bucket gets too full.

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.
~~~Norman Cousins

Sorrows cannot all be explained away in a life truly lived, grief and loss accumulate like possessions.
~~~Stefan Kanfer quotes

The garden is growth and change and that means loss as well as constant new treasures to make up for a few disasters.
~~~May Sarton